Today Alberto and I will go to our first grief counseling session. I have been looking forward to going, but, I am also nervous. I have only been to one counseling session in my life and that was for a completely different reason. I didn't take much away from it, and, I haven't thought much about it since. So, needless to say, I don't have much in the way of experience with something like this. Not knowing what to expect makes me nervous...also, thinking about what kinds of things we're going to be talking about makes me uneasy as well. Obviously we will talk about losing Jeslyn and our feelings and emotions surrounding that, but, what else will we talk about? That is another aspect of my nervousness, because, I don't know how far into our past our counselor will want to go to get to know us. There are things about my past that aren't super comfortable to talk about. All of this considered, I am going into this knowing and fully expecting to dredge up some of my past up, because our counselor is probably going to want to get to know who we are as people and how our lives prior to losing Jeslyn will mold or playe a role in dealing with our grief. I know that we need this...probably me more than Alberto, so, I am willing to do whatever I need to do to work through this grief and hopefully learn some tools to deal with it in the moment. You know, like when I am in public and I see a pregnant mom and I want to scream, close my eyes and cry, and turn to walk in the other direction. Or, you know...those moments when I am paralyzed by my thoughts of what happened on the day that we lost her and it is all I can do not to completely lose it in front of whoever I am with.
Anyway, it has been my goal to work on my grief as much as I can, in as many ways as possible. Writing this blog is one way I've worked on my grief. Reading other baby loss blogs is another way. Joining pregnancy loss websites and Facebook groups is another way. I also plan on attending an in-person support group for parents who have had to make the difficult decision we did due to medical reasons. Taking an active role in working on my grief is so important to me, because, I need to be "okay". I need to be able to function in my life, despite the horrible tragedy I've been through...for myself, for my husband and our marriage, and most importantly, for Isla. She is and has been my number one priority during this journey and I need to be able to be her mom...her present, loving, affectionate, all-hands-on-deck mom. I can't do that if I am constantly in a dark place where all I want to do is climb into my bed and hide under the covers. So, this is why I've been doing everything I can do to work on and work through the grief I've been immersed in since losing Jeslyn. Since the day we found out about the concerns with my blood work, really.
Wish us luck...
[Update: 4/1, 10p]
I think our counseling session went well. It was difficult to be back in the perinatology clinic where I had the CVS done, but, our counselor Erin was very sensitive to this and lead us into her office through a different entrance. We started out with very general things. Erin told us about the "business" of grief counseling. Just some things about the process, our privacy, etc. She also told us a little bit about herself as well. How she's been working in pregnancy and infant loss grief for 12+ years and she's been in social work/grief counseling for about 20 years. This was comforting to me, because, I know she's been doing this for quite some time and is very experienced not only in grief counseling, but specifically in pregnancy and infant loss. She has counseled many couples (and probably single moms and/or dads) through the process of grief and I know she has a wealth of knowledge and has heard many different stories. I immediately felt like I could trust her and that she was a good fit for us. Alberto and I talked about a lot of things in our session. We talked about our individual support systems, about how we support one another, things that may have been said to us (by others) that was not helpful. We talked about our past and how we came to be, our move from Southern California (and my depression and isolation associated with that), about how we planned for and conceived Isla (and my depression and isolation associated with that), about losing my Dad, about how we conceived and didn't plan for Jeslyn (and my initial reaction to that).
One of the things I specifically brought up to talk about was the guilt I've been feeling regarding Isla not helping me grieve the loss of Jeslyn. It has been said to me (from several people...and if you're one of those people, I don't blame you) that I am lucky to have Isla to hold on to and focus on during this difficult grief process. I know it seems like a nice thing to say, and, maybe to some going through this it is. Because, she is absolutely a blessing, I am so thankful that I am her mom and I love her to the ends of the earth and beyond. But, for me...telling me to focus on her and use her as a source to get me through grieving the loss of Jeslyn isn't a nice thing to say because that is not the case for me. See, one of the reasons I wanted to have another child was FOR Isla. She had been asking us for a sibling for quite some time, and, we were so happy to give that to her. To have that taken away is devastating, and when I look at her, my heart breaks into pieces because she'll never get to know Jeslyn. She'll never get to play with her, love on her, or grow up with her. She doesn't even have a clue that Jeslyn even existed. What's more is...I try really hard to be the mom I've always been to Isla when I am in her presence. That means I can't feel what I want to feel and express my emotions when I am with her. I have to put on my brave face and hide away my feelings and emotions. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Also, Isla and Jeslyn are two separate babies of mine. Having one doesn't have anything to do with the other. I love them both, independently. So, unfortunately, Isla isn't a source of relief when it comes to my grief. She is another layer of my grief, and, it's something I need to work on. In the meantime, if you see me and you choose to talk to me about losing Jeslyn and my grief...please don't utter the words "At least you have Isla to focus on and to help you get through the grief". Just tell me that you are here, you love me, and you want to help me in whatever way you can. That is all.
Anyway, we crammed a lot into that first session and at the end, I felt lighter. I felt like this was going to be good for us...for me. Sadly, we aren't scheduled to return until the 18th. But, that's mostly our fault since we're headed to Southern California to celebrate Isla's 3rd birthday in a few days. Until we meet again, Erin instructed us to write down anything we feel like we need to talk about with her for our next meeting (since those things tend to fly right out of your head when you enter a session). I've already got a list.
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