Today we had our second grief counseling session. Since our appointment was at 2:30p, Alberto and I decided to have lunch together beforehand. It worked out nicely since my study session with classmates was a bust (hoping my friend and study buddy T gets better soon) and I was pretty much done trying to study around 12:30. Once I packed up, I drove from the PCC Sylvania campus to Alberto's plant in Hillsboro. We'd decided to go to Del Taco (I used to eat DT ALL the time in California - I've not had it since we moved to Oregon over 2 years ago) and since Alberto knows where it is, I followed him. Lunch was good...just like I remembered it. It felt pretty nostalgic eating chili-cheese fries, chicken spicy jack quesadilla, and a crispy shrimp taco (or two). I've been eating it for YEARS. On, and don't judge me...cause, yes...I ate it ALL. Whatevs.
We made it to our counseling session early and that made me nervous because Erin's office happens to be on the 3rd floor...in the OB/GYN dept. So annoying, because, there is a huge waiting area with lots of chairs that are often filled with pregnant women and postpartum women with their infants. Erin told us to check in and wait near the door next to to the check-in because it's as far away as we were going to get from all the pregnant women and women with babies. I purposely put my back to the large waiting area and tried to focus all my attention on Alberto. This worked, because before I knew it, Erin was greeting us and asking us to follow her back to her office.
This office was much nicer than the first space we met her in. Obviously, this was her home office and the other space was just a floating type office. Anyway, I won't go into too much detail about our session. Instead, I'm going to highlight the things that stuck out for me:
1. I am having a hard time with the decision we made. I've always known that I would struggle with the decision, because, it completely goes against my personal moral code. I've never been one to judge people about their own preferences when it comes to abortion, or, terminating a pregnancy. But, for me..personally, it's always been something I was 100%, completely against. Therefore, I took the appropriate measures in my adolescence and my early adulthood. You know, to prevent putting myself in a situation where I'd need to make that decision. But, that's what makes this so difficult and makes it hurt SO DAMN MUCH. I am married and in a very loving relationship. In fact, I am madly in love with my husband and the thought of carrying his child makes me proud beyond belief. I want to have another child...for myself, for my family...and maybe most of all, for Isla. I want so badly for her to have a playmate. For her to have a sibling to love on and cherish and grow with. She's actually expressed her want for a sibling with us, several times. One day, she even said to me "Mommy, can you make a baby?" (it broke my heart because it was after I'd loss Jeslyn). So, Jeslyn was very much wanted. I wanted her before I knew she was there, and, although I was scared and worried when I initially found out about her, I never not wanted her once I knew she was there. So...how do I reconcile the choice I made within myself when I WANTED and STILL WANT my child? Under normal circumstances, I would NEVER EVER EVER choose to end the life of my child. I know that both Alberto and I tried to make the best decision we could, based on our family...but, I know for certain that I didn't make the best decision for me. At the time, I didn't concern myself with how I would feel about it after the fact - I only knew that I thought it was what was best for Isla (because we didn't feel like we could explain what was happening to her without mentally overwhelming her or even confusing or hurting her). Erin said that we make the ultimate Mommy and Daddy sacrifice, and, I feel as though that is 100% true. We made the most difficult decision a parent could ever have to make, and, although I know that and I know that I did what I did out of love for Isla and Jeslyn...it still hurts, SO MUCH. This is something I will have to work on and work through with Erin's help. Starting the process of forgiving myself for making the decision I made.
2. It is completely okay for me to find it hard being around pregnant women and women with small babies, and for now, it is okay for me to avoid it. I've been feeling guilty about this, because sometimes I keep Isla away from activities to shield myself from what I know I am going to have to see. I've missed out on trips to the park because of this, on trips to OMSI, on birth parties...and, it's okay. I've come to term these encounters that I try to avoid "land mines". Erin liked my analogy, and, I call them that because when I see these things, my heart is completely blown into pieces because my baby is gone and I'll never get to carry her in a carrier. I'll never get to feed her nourishment from my breast. I'll never get to push her in a double stroller with Isla. I know all these things all the time and they are always on my brain, but, seeing babies and pregnant bellies in front of me makes these things come crashing into the forefront of my brain and it is all I can do not to scream: I WANT MY BABY!!!!!! Or to stop and bawl right there, on the spot. I try so hard not to get emotional in front of Isla because I want to protect her and be the mommy is has always had. So, until Erin and I figure out a way for me to deal with these emotions in the moment, I will avoid public places where I might see things like this.
3. For whatever reason, it has been difficult for me to drink post losing Jeslyn. It look me almost a month to take a sip of alcohol, and, I am not entirely sure why. Part of me feels like it's because if I drink, I am admitting that my baby is gone. Drinking is something I would NEVER do while pregnant, so, taking a drink is just another thing to me that proves that I am no longer pregnant and I look my child's life. I also think it's hard because although I know Jeslyn's T18 diagnosis had absolutely nothing to do with the drinking I did before I found out about being pregnant, I feel guilt about it. Before getting pregnant with Isla, I prepared. I stopped drinking months ahead of time, I'd started taking prenatal vitamins and eating well ahead of trying to conceive. I made sure that I took care of my temple and made sure that I was the best I could be for a pregnancy. That didn't happen with Jeslyn, and, I hate that. Even though I understand that there is an "all or nothing" period between conception and implantation where if drinking were a problem, it would likely result in a miscarriage and I would have never even known I was pregnant. I totally get that. But, still...I have guilt. At this point I have started drinking again, but, I can't bring myself to pour my own drink. Erin said it was interesting, and, to sit with it and think about it some more. So, I plan on doing that between now and our next appt (two weeks from today).
There are still so many things that I want to talk with Erin about, but...I know this is a process and things will come out as they need to. For now, I will keep writing things down that I want to talk about in therapy to make sure what I don't forget to talk about the things that are most pressing for me.
Oh, I also mentioned to Erin that I'd made this blog public and she's all for it. She loves that I've found another outlet for my grief and she encouraged me to continue writing and sharing my story if it's therapeutic for me. It is, so, I will keep writing.
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