Proctored Essay

Today I took a proctored essay for one of the nursing schools I applied to. I had every intention of preparing myself to take this essay ahead of time. I found out on the 25th of March that I had been chosen to move on to the second round of the process, so, I've had plenty of time to do research on health care issues, to think about what kind of nurse I want to be and why, and to practice my writing skills via a mock proctored essay. And like I said, I'd planned on doing ALL of this ahead of today. But, life...well, it got in the way. Studying for quizzes in my current class, writing posts for this blog, spending time with my family, grieving the loss of my baby. You know, life. It got in the way. So, I somehow was not able to carve out the time to prepare myself for an extremely important essay, and, it showed in my writing. Did I spend time this morning researching and writing down different fields of nursing and deciding which fields I was interested in? Yup. Did I research the current state of the nursing field in my region? Uh huh. Did I think of reasons why I feel I am qualified to be chosen as student in PCC's nursing program? You bet. But, none of this helped me during the essay writing process. With the exception of one question, the other questions were relevant questions (2 of them) and one of them I'd thought about before (it had to do with qualities that I possess) and the other I hadn't thought about before (values I look for in a team member). I felt like I had good qualities to describe myself that were important qualities for a nurse to possess (leadership, compassion, persistence, and self-confidence) and good values that team members should have as well (trustworthiness and accountability). But, my problem is...I didn't do a good job of giving an example where I showed my ability to be a leader - unfortunate, because it was my opening paragraph. I do feel like I used a pretty good example for why I believe a nurse needs to have compassion (related it to my encounters with nurses during a personal experience in a hospital setting). I was also fairly pleased with my explanation as to why persistence is necessary as well as self-confidence. But, then I didn't end the essay well...I don't feel like I went into enough detail in my values that team members need to possess. I also wanted to add a third value - loyalty. All in all, I'm sure it's not the worst essay the panelists are going to see. But, it's certainly not the best. I felt like I needed to write a stellar essay to get a spot in the 80 students they'll choose for the program and I didn't do that. I'm bummed, but, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I have been through hell and back in the last 2 months and truthfully, I am not in a great place mentally. If I don't get in, I will chalk it up to my overall lack of focus right now. Because, who am I kidding...I have been unable to focus on many things in my life right now. For example, I should be focused on studying for my first microbiology exam right now. But, I'm not. I'm blogging because right now, my top priority is to process my grief and writing this blog helps me in achieving that. 

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On another note, something happened to me this evening. While sitting at our dinner table and eating the pasta salad I made for Alberto and I for dinner, I felt a raging cramp in my nether region. It was intense, but quick (I actually made a sound out loud when I felt it - it took me off guard). At the time, I didn't think anything of it because I was eating and preoccupied by that. But, I felt it nonetheless. A short time later, I was getting Isla ready for bed and I felt another cramp. After I finished with Isla, I stood up (I was sitting on the floor in our bonus room) and instinctively pulled my pants down to take a peak at my underwear...there was blood there. When I realized what this could be, my heart sank. After the D&E procedure, I bled a small amount. But, not much. I'd stopped wearing pads about two and a half to three weeks ago because I wasn't really bleeding anymore. So, to look down and see blood tonight was a surprise to me. I walked over to the bathroom to go potty and when I wiped myself, there was more blood. I also just felt crampy in my lower tummy. Is this really happening? Have I started my cycle again? I wasn't expecting to start it so soon...it's only been a month since the procedure. I figured I had at least another 2 to 3 weeks before I had to deal with this. At this point I still don't know if this is my period, but, the thought of my cycle starting again makes me so sad. It hurts so bad, because, it's something else that reminds me that Jeslyn really is gone...that she is no longer in my belly, and the day will never come when I get to see her on this earth, love on her, or hold her in my arms. I HATE this...I really, really hate it. I hate that my child is gone and that I am bleeding again. I hate that it has been 32 days since I had to make the worst decision of my life. I hate that we were supposed to have our big anatomy and gender reveal scan this Friday, but instead, we'll be meeting with our grief counselor to discuss losing our daughter and the grief that remains. I F*CKING HATE THIS. 

At least I have Alberto. At least he knows, without skipping a beat, when I just need him to hold me and let me cry. At least I can count on his embrace and his gentle, sweet kisses on my forehead...at least in the midst of all this heartache and pain, I have him to help keep me afloat. Thank God for him. Thank God for him.