Brief Encounters Support Group

Tonight was my first in-person grief support group session. I'd heard about Brief Encounters from our genetic counselor Pat (at Kaiser) and from our grief counselor Erin. I knew that I wanted to attend the meetings, but, wasn't sure when I would begin going. I didn't go the first time I had the opportunity (in March). but, I knew I wanted to go this month. It's only held on the 4th Thursday of every month, so, I'd had time to find child care for Isla in advance since Alberto wasn't going to attend with me - he's in class on Thursday nights. I was nervous about going all day. I didn't know what to expect, but, I'd hoped that I would be welcomed to the group with open arms and that it would be a positive experience for me

I stayed busy during most of the day...even throughout the afternoon. I was moving playing with Isla, moving while cleaning out kitchen, moving while doing Isla's laundry, and moving while making dinner for Isla and Alberto to eat. I feel like it was my nervous energy taking hold, because I felt like I just had to keep moving. It worked out pretty well, because, I finished all my "chores" just in time for Isla to sit down and start to eat her dinner on-time (at 6p). This was perfect because sitting down and doing something sort of distracts Isla from having a full blown meltdown when her sitter arrives. It's almost like she knew I was going to do something important though, because, for the first time ever there were NO tears. No "no, I want my mommy", no screaming...no nothing. We hugged and kissed, I said goodbye, and Isla calmly said "bye mommy". It was just the send off I needed.

As it tends to do in PDX, the rain was coming down fiercely. Traffic was going to be an issue if I took the route recommended initially by my GPS. So, I asked it to take an alternate route in order to avoid the delay is was forecasting. I'm glad I did, because I made it to Peace House (where the meetings for Brief Encounters are had) right on-time. If I hadn't re-routed myself, I would have been 10 minutes late. 

When I walked in, I didn't see a big group of people in the main meeting space like I'd imagined. There was a women sitting in a small sitting room off to the left - alone. She noticed me, asked me if I was there for a Brief Encounters meeting, to which I replied yes, and she said the meeting would be held in this smaller room. As I walked in, she explained that this particular meeting (specific to parents of pregnancies that have been interrupted due to medical reasons) was sparsely attended, so, the smaller space was more appropriate. Immediately, my heart sank. Sparsely attended? Why? Almost instantly my brain went to thoughts about how this meeting is sparsely attended because of the very controversial, hairy nature of the category to which I belong: parents who have decided to terminate a pregnancy and ultimately, decided to end the life of their child. Damnit. DAMNIT. See? This is what I DON'T NEED. I don't need to feel judged for the decision I made. Although there was no one there judging me directly, in that moment, I felt like the world was judging me and every parent who has had to make the heart breaking choice Alberto and I had to make. Because, even parents who've had to make the decision themselves can't even come out to a support group meeting like this and share their experiences and share their grief. Why? Probably because they judge themselves. Just like I judge myself. So crappy...gawd-damn stigma(s). I HATE stigmas. 

Given the fact that I was the only person to show up, I didn't have high hopes for this meeting. I didn't feel like it was going to give me the community I was looking for. The comrade from fellow parents who've lost their child to the anomaly that is T18...but, still...I am glad I went. 

The meeting started off with me getting to light a candle for my Jeslyn...my little angel, my love. It made me happy to have a symbol there of her - something tangible to share of her with the moderator of the group, Megan. She'd also lit two candles...one for each of the angel babies she has. Once we introduced ourselves, Megan went straight into her experience with losing her child - Shannon. She told me about everything...about her living daughters, about her experience with T21 and all the statistics she got to know personally, about the difference in her and her husbands thoughts and feelings about how to proceed with her pregnancy, about her experience with a very well known abortion clinic in Portland (which was the only option she was given when she went through losing Shannon - 10 years ago). She left no detail out, and, I appreciated her sharing her experience with me. When she was done, I felt compelled to lay it all out on the line for her. I too left no detail out, and, at the end of the meeting she knew everything about Jeslyn. How she came to be, how we found out about her diagnosis, how the day we lost her felt for me, how I've been in the days since losing Jeslyn...and everything in-between. She let me say anything and everything I needed to say, and, she understood IT ALL. Every single thing I said she'd felt and she's weathered before. It is so amazing, the feeling you get when you speak your truth to someone and they know EXACTLY how you feel because they've walked your path. Not for the same reason, but, that's almost even more amazing in a way. Her experience was different than mine, but, she is still able to 100% get where I am coming from. We even talked about my Dad and how he became a quadriplegic and how he died as well as my ex-fiance and how his accident played out (with respect to the grief I went through with that experience and how it lead me to Alberto) for me. It was 2 and a half hours of love, support, tears, joy, pain, sorrow, grief...it was everything I needed. Surprising, since it was just the two of us. But in the end, that didn't matter because I got the support I needed and I am thankful for that.

At the end of the meeting, Megan gave me the candle that I lit for Jeslyn, along with the candle holder that it sat in. I was s grateful that she let me take it - it's another tangible item that I can remember her by. 

Last but not least, she gave me a list (later in an email) of books that might be helpful for me in my grief journey. I thought I would list them here, just in case anyone might know someone else in their life who could benefit from them.

-We Were Gonna Have A Baby, But We Had An Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert (children's book)

-Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert

-Our Heartbreaking Choices: Forty-Six Women Share Their Stories of Interrupting a Much-Wanted Pregnancy by Christie Brooks (available on Amazon) [This book was compiled from women’s stories on AHeartbreakingChoice.com.]

-A Mother’s Dilemma: A Spiritual Search for Meaning following Pregnancy Interruption after Prenatal Diagnosis by Wendy L. Lyon (published by Pineapple Press Mullett Lake, MI)

-A Time to Decide, A Time to Heal: For Parents Making Difficult Decisions about Babies They Love by Molly A Minnick, Kathleen J. Delp, & Mary C. Ciotti (editor)

-Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis

A candle for my dear Jeslyn <3