Urgent Care

Yesterday my eye was looking worse for wear. I didn't notice anything in the morning when I got ready for the day, but, I did notice it when I went to the restroom during my pre-counseling lunch date with Alberto. It was RED. Alberto didn't tell me, either...not until I said something after noticing it. After our counseling session, I looked at it again in the mirror when I went to the restroom and it looked worse from just 2 hours before (because it was even more red). Luckily, there wasn't any pain associated with the redness. But, it progressively got worse in color throughout the afternoon/evening...when we went to bed, it was blood shot. I'd decided then that I would be going in to urgent care this morning to get it looked at, because, I was concerned it could be pink eye. If left untreated, pink eye can progress into some not good things...blindness, even.

So I woke up around 8a this morning, woke Isla up and got her breakfast, and made some coffee. Lucky for me, Alberto was woken up by a work call at about 8:30a (lucky because I didn't have to wake him). I went in to say hello and kiss him, and when I did, I mentioned my eye. We discussed our plans for the weekend and it seemed best if I go to urgent care this thing this morning. So I got things ready for Isla (just in case I wasn't back before it was time to leave for gymnastics), got myself ready, said my goodbyes, and I took off.

I made it to Kaiser 5 minutes after 9a...right after urgent care opened for the day. After I got checked in, I sat down to wait for them to call my name and in less than 5 minutes, I was called. That was nice - I thought I might be in there for a while. The nurses assistant (NA) took me back to an exam room and took my vitals. My BP was 128/60, my resting heart rate was 63 (pretty darn good), my oxygen saturation was 99% (again, good), and my temp was 97.6 (it's always lower than 98.6). So all good stuff. Then the NA asked me why I was there and I explained what's been going on with my eye. Then...she asked me an unexpected question: "you're pregnant, right?" My heart sank...along with my head, and away went any minute happiness I had had. My black cloud reared its ugly head and it was all I could do to fight back tears. I answered her, saying "no I am not pregnant - I was, but I am not now" and she said that she was sorry for the mixup and that she would change that in my chart. I didn't look at her again after that...I just looked at the ground. She said she would go and let the doctor know I was ready to be seen and then she left. I immediately started crying and sent a text to Alberto to let him know what had happened. He said he was sorry and that he couldn't believe it had happened. I couldn't believe it either, since I needed to be referred to the downtown women's clinic (by Kaiser) to have the procedure done...which means Kasier must've noted it in my file somewhere. Also, Alberto and I are currently in grief counseling...another thing that I am sure is noted in my file. I don't know how it happened, but, it hurt...like a dagger in my already broken and battered heart. 

When the doctor came in, she asked me a few questions about my eye (what kind of work I do, has there been any debris near my eyes or was there the possibility of shrapnel of any kind getting into my eyes - all no's) and then she looked at it with the ophthalmoscope. Her diagnosis must've been pretty simple, because as soon as she was done looking at my eye through the ophthalmoscope, she said I have conjunctivitis (pink eye). Which, I thought to be the case. I'm not sure how I got it, but, she prescribed an antibiotic eye drop, said I needed to use it 4 times a day for a week, and that was it. She shook my hand, said have a great day, and she left. The NA came back to reiterate what the doctor said, give me my aftercare paperwork and told me to go to the pharmacy to grab the eye drops. We said our goodbyes, I headed to the pharmacy to get my prescription, and within 5 minutes I was on my way home. Gotta love the one-stop-shop nature of Kaiser. 

I was able to make it back home in time to get Isla dressed and ready to go to gymnastics. I even packed her a lunch as well (since we'd planned on running some errands after her class). We'll get ready to leave in a little while since class starts at 11:15a. I'm looking forward to studying my flash cards for my first microbiology exam while Isla has fun in class. 

On another note...what happened this morning reminds me of something we talked about in our grief counseling session yesterday. I said that I feel like being in public is liking walking around, avoiding land mines. Seeing a pregnant women with a big belly is a land mine. Seeing a mom with a small infant in a carrier is a land mine. The NA this morning asking me if I was pregnant is another land mine. When these things happen, they blow up my heart and make me want to bleed my emotions all over the place. They hurt so bad, and, I avoid going in public so that I can spare myself the pain and hurt that comes with stepping on one of these land mines. But, I find myself thinking...is this my life now? Staying indoors and avoiding life and what comes with living it in order to protect myself from the things I know I will see when I am out and about? It's so hard to stay indoors, because I have Isla to think about...I can't keep her cooped in and avoid playdates, parks, storytimes, birthday parties and the like forever. I know this. But, it's so much easier for me to just avoid it. And for now, I think I will continue to avoid it whenever I can (as I said in my last post). This all is still so raw for me and whatever I can do to get through these first few months, I will do. However, I trust in our grief counselor Erin and I know that she will help me to learn how to navigate these land mines and deal with my feelings and emotions in these moments. I look forward to the day when I can put those tools to use and be "okay" when I am in public and feel like I no longer need to hide myself away.