A Bittersweet Day

The Sweet:

Today Isla and I returned to swim class after a few weeks away. I was glad to take her back because she had been making really good progress with her alligator arms and with going under water. I had hoped that she wouldn't regress during our time away, and thank goodness, she didn't. She was very enthusiastic in class and was happy to jump into the water from the pool deck (standing up) while holding her alligator arms together. She did pretty well with kicking as well as the back float. Unfortunately, she was not into diving under the water to retrieve her ring. She'd had a bad experience with that before we took our break (she didn't do bubbles while under water and she swallowed a lot of it- coughed a ton, too), so I wasn't surprised that she was not into it. All things considered, she had a great class. It was really fun to see her go down the big slide into the pool. She created quite the splash, too. My hair got super wet, so, I knew I would have to wash my hair this afternoon. 

*Side note: If you know me, you know I pretty much NEVER wash my hair. Well, I wash it...just not often. ***black girl problems*** heh. It's a whole process to get it washed, combed out, blow dried, straightened, and styled. It can take hours. So, I was less than pleased when my hair got wet and I knew I'd have to wash it. To make matters worse...I'm not super good with doing my own hair - it's always a struggle. But, I do the best I can.

The Bitter:

At the end of class, one of my Gymboree clients and her son S happened to be sitting on the pool deck, waiting for their class to start. N recognized me, called my name, and said hello. I said hello back, but, because I know she is pregnant, I tried not to make it a long conversation where I'd have to stand there and talk to her...all the while, trying not to look at her belly (she's probably due soon - with a baby girl). I probably sounded awkward because she asked if I remembered who she was - of course I did. Again, I was just trying to be polite, but short...so I could get into the changing room as quickly as possible. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings or make her think I didn't want to socialize with her outside of Gymboree. Maybe one day I'll point her to this blog and she'll read and understand why I acted the way I did.

Once Isla and I were all done getting showered and dressed, we headed to Target. I go to Target ALL the time. In fact, our Target credit card (gotta get that 5% off) has become some what of a monthly bill for us. Sorry babe. This time though, I had a very small list of things to get so I wasn't going to get out of hand. One of the things on my list was Isla's bath soap. It's Aquaphor 2 in 1 and it works really well. It doesn't have any dyes or any artificial scents. We started using it when Isla was like 6 months old because her skin was really sensitive and it got irritated from any of the Johnson and Johnson products we tried to use (we'd gotten a bunch of it from our family and friends at our baby shower). Our pediatrician at the time suggested it as well as the ointment they have (for diaper rash or skin sensitivity) and we've used them both ever since. Anyway, the soap is in the baby section...and I couldn't avoid going there to get it. So I went, and as I walked through the section to get to the aisle with the soap I started to get emotional. All of the products that I won't need to care for my Jeslyn were starring me in the face and it hurt. I felt the grief and pain bubbling up in my chest, working its way up and out...and in that moment, I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. I wanted to scream because my child, my baby, is gone. I want so badly to need those products to care for her and to not feel what I feel when I am in this section of the store. But, I feel it...and it is the reality. Although I was hurting and needed to cry, I couldn't succumb to my hurt and my pain - I was with Isla. So I held it together, I quickly grabbed the soap and made a bee line for the office/stationary section 'cause I needed to pick up some index cards and a notebook for my microbiology class. 

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I know I must sound like a broken record. But, it's so prominent in my thoughts and in my feelings right now. I am smack dab in the middle of trying to figure out how to live with the decision I made...how to live with the reality that I have a living child and a child in heaven. There are so many layers to my grief and it complicates things to the nth degree. Sometimes I feel like there is going to be no end to this and I will always be in this space. This very difficult space. Erin, our grief counselor, says that although it doesn't feel like there is a light at the end of this very dark, haunting tunnel, there really is. I just have to get there...do the work, and get there. God, please help me get there. Please give me the strength to work through this and get there. Where there is.