Going Public

I was never sure who I would tell about my dear angel baby Jeslyn. This all happened so fast, and, we never got the chance to tell anybody (except our families and our employers) about my pregnancy before we got the call about the concerns regarding my first trimester blood work screening. That made it so difficult for me, because I couldn't tell anyone. Well, I could tell people...but, what would I tell them? I could tell people I was pregnant, but, then I would have to sit there while they congratulated me on my pregnancy, asked me how far along I was, and how the pregnancy was going. But, can you imagine going through the motions of that conversation when you just got a phone call saying there could be something wrong with your baby? I was not even 11 weeks pregnant when we received that news, and I hadn't planned on telling anyone before that point anyway. Complicating things more, one week after we got the phone call about my blood, we had the ultrasound that revealed that Jeslyn had a cystic hygroma. Knowing that this birth defect is typically associated with Turners Syndrome, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13, I felt even less inclined to tell most people in my life about my pregnancy. Both the blood work and the ultrasound/CVS had become apart of this journey by the time I would have decided to tell everyone about my pregnancy (if the pregnancy was a typical pregnancy), so, I felt compelled to keep my pregnancy a closely guarded...secret. I hate using that word, but, up until today, that is how I've felt. Like I was keeping a secret. NOT because I was ashamed. NOT because I was not happy about my pregnancy. I kept my pregnancy to myself and to close family because I had no absolute truth about what was happening and about what was going to ultimately happen. There were a number of unknowns and things were just so up in the air. I just couldn't even deal with trying to explain what had happened up until that point to everyone I told I was pregnant. I was not in a space to answer questions, because, I didn't know the answers to some of my own questions. How in the hell would I attempt to answer other people's questions if I didn't have my own questions answered? Additionally, I just wasn't prepared to talk about the possibility of losing my child out loud. Not with anyone but my husband, really. Those outside my family circle who knew about the grim possibilities we were facing with Jeslyn only knew out of necessity (those who did know found out prior to the ultrasound and CVS - so, I knew less and was able to say some things without completely losing it).

As you might imagine...going public with Jeslyn's journey has weighed heavily on my heart. I did not share what had transpired with my pregnancy with most people in my life until we knew her diagnosis. The call we got from Pat with that news was like a dagger the size of the world being thrust into my heart. There is nothing worse than someone telling you that your child has an affliction that is incompatible with life. Nothing like it. Just absolutely, catastrophically devastating. The things you have to think about and the decisions you have to make nearly break you from the inside out. The weight that you feel on your chest and in your shoulders is almost too much to bare. So, I made the decision to let the ladies of my TV (my moms group) know that I was pregnant, that my baby girl has Trisomy 18, and that we had decided to terminate the pregnancy. In hind sight, I am grateful that I had enough courage to tell these women, because, the outpouring of love, support, and kindness I received from them was the start of my healing process. Letting these women share in my hurt, in my pain, and in my grief without a doubt opened the doors to the start of my very long journey of healing.

Deciding to go public with my pregnancy loss and the loss of Jeslyn was not an easy decision. I felt like it would be symbolic to make this blog public exactly one month to the day that my dear Jeslyn got her wings, but, I must say...I did not think it through when I had that thought initially. Making this blog public opens me up to many things I am not strong enough to deal with. It opens me up to criticism. It opens me up to judgement. It opens me up to questions. But, at the same time...it also opens me up to LOVE. To more SUPPORT. To more KINDNESS. To more UNDERSTANDING. It also gives me an additional outlet to channel my grief through, and, this fact is what chiefly swayed my decision in ultimately making this blog public. I want to take an active role in processing my grief, and, telling my story is most definitely a huge part of that. Equally important, is the fact that I also have an opportunity to reach out to other moms who have walked or are walking this path. Maybe they are walking it silently...but, nevertheless, I am able to reach out to them and show them that they are not alone. That there are other moms out there who have the same struggles that they have or have had. That there is another mom out there who understands and does not judge them. So, it is my hope that with this blog, I begin to slowly heal and work my way through the ebb and flow of grief. But, that I may also help someone else work their way through grief that they may be experiencing.