"I feel so out of control...mentally and emotionally. My thoughts and my feelings are all over the place and I can't tell which was is up. I want my baby - I want Jeslyn safe and sound in my belly. I hate that she'll be missing form my physical life forever, I'm jealous of mothers who decided to carry their baby to term and got to eventually meet their child. Even if it was only for a few minutes. They got to see their precious baby's face, to kiss their tiny cheeks, to count and caress their beautiful fingers and toes. They have tangible evidence that their baby was here on this earth if only for a brief period of time. I have none of that. I have almost nothing tangible to show that my daughter exists...to show that the grief I feel because I lost her is real, valid, and important".
There is so much more to my grief and to the thoughts and feelings that I have on a daily basis. This is just a part of it, although, it's a huge part of it. The decision we made never sat well with me, and, it still doesn't. I don't think it ever will. I'll never be "okay" with the decision that we made, because, we ultimately decided to end the life of our child. That hurts - like hell. I don't think that's something you ever can become "okay" with...the part about being the person who chose to terminate a pregnancy and my child's life, in one fail swoop. I love my baby and I loved her when we made the decision we made. Some people may not understand that, but, I was trying to parent her in that moment and I will try and parent my dead child for the rest of my life. I can only hope that, one day, I will forgive myself for the decision I made - for the decision we felt we needed to make. For the sake of Isla, for the sake of our family, and most importantly...for Jeslyn's sake.
But, with ALL that said - it is STILL HARD. This grief is so complex and multi-faceted. I feel like it will take me until I am old and grey to really grasp it and get a handle on it. And that, in and of itself is heavy and overwhelming. Until then, I try to keep it together in the light of the day. I try to be who I was before this all happened, even though I know I'll never be that woman again. I am a new woman...and some people may find it hard to be around this "new me". And that's okay because I don't really give a sh*t. Well, I don't give a sh*t about how most people feel about what I am going through. Some people, I do care about and try not to alienate with my new normal. I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. But, I guess I do it...so that I don't lose everyone in my life. So that my child still has friends. But, I gotta say...it's exhausting to put on a face for people. To hold it together and be pleasant and "okay" when inside, I am slowly crumbling...slowly dying a little bit more every day from the unbearable loss I've experienced. I really just want to do nothing...nothing but the things I do to help me get through the daily fight of grieving. But, I know I can't do that. I know I can't shut everything else out because I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a student, I am a friend. I am so many things and I have responsibilities. Things I HAVE to do. And I mostly do them - I try, anyway...and just do the best I can.
I've been told lots that it seems all consuming and like there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel right now because it's all still so raw and new. And yeah...I am definitely still in that space where it seems like I will be in this fog for the rest of my life. But, I know I am actively trying to work my way through this and all I can do is keep doing what I am doing and hope that I do make it to the other side where that damn light is.
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