Day ONE

So...I'm back on the wagon again. The workout wagon, that is. A little over 2 years ago (when we moved to Oregon) I'd decided that I needed to get back to the old me. In the almost 2 years prior, I'd gained about 70lbs. Some of that weight I put on when I was pregnant with Isla and some of it I put on after I'd had her. I just got to a point where I realized a lot of my unhappiness was because I wasn't okay with what I looked like or how I felt. I was sluggish and tired all the time - not to mention I felt ugly. Just ugly. I couldn't even put on a pair of earrings and feel feminine. So, I made changes...lifestyle changes. I changed my eating habits and committed to working out at least 5 days a week. It look me 8 months, but, by the time I hit my "d-day" on Halloween 2012, I was 142lbs. Pretty good for me, 'cause, I'm not naturally a skinny girl. I'm built to be thick. 

Anyway, today I started my new weight loss journey. I don't know how much I've gained since I last knew my weight (2/26 I was 171lbs), and it doesn't matter. I'm not going to be scale obsessed this time around...I'm going to focus on eating better again and working out 5 days a week. If I do that, I know the weight will come off and I'll eventually start to fit into my clothes again. So, that's my plan...get back to the basics and get back to me. Making my health - both physical and mental (working out makes me feel better about myself) a priority again. 

Today I walked up Bull Mountain...where we live. It's a pretty gnarly hill and just walking up it is a challenge. I pushed Isla up this hill in her B.O.B. stroller all summer in 2012 and it definitely helped me lose the weight - it's a great workout. Once I got to the top of the hill today, I decided I felt good enough to run down it, and I did. It felt so nice to get out there and feel my feet and legs running underneath me. Freeing, really. I'm hoping my body isn't too sore tomorrow and that my muscle memory comes back sooner rather than later.

On another note...I really want to get back on my treadmill. Luckily, the weather is gorgeous right now (82 degrees in Oregon in April is a sort of miracle) and that afforded me the opportunity to walk/run outside. But, there's rain in the forecast as of Sunday and I DO NOT run outside in the rain. So, I am going to have to somehow get over the mental block I have with my treadmill. It's there, because when I got the call from our genetic counselor Pat about my blood work, I was on it. Damn negative association. Hoping that I can just buck up and do it. But, we'll see. 

Here are a couple pictures from my run today...

Love this tree lined street

My view on the way down the hill

BOOM

TMI Tuesday

My TV ladies do something called TMI Tuesday, courtesy of one MJ. Not that MJ, but, my MJ. She came up with the idea, and, I love her for it because I think it's added another layer to the friendships we've created via this mom's group, and, it's also fun, informative, and supportive. Today, however, was a topic that hits close to home for me. It was all about venting or whining about something that's going on with you lately. Clearly, I've got TONS to vent about. So, I decided I would share...just a little bit. The below is what I said:

"I feel so out of control...mentally and emotionally. My thoughts and my feelings are all over the place and I can't tell which was is up. I want my baby - I want Jeslyn safe and sound in my belly. I hate that she'll be missing form my physical life forever, I'm jealous of mothers who decided to carry their baby to term and got to eventually meet their child. Even if it was only for a few minutes. They got to see their precious baby's face, to kiss their tiny cheeks, to count and caress their beautiful fingers and toes. They have tangible evidence that their baby was here on this earth if only for a brief period of time. I have none of that. I have almost nothing tangible to show that my daughter exists...to show that the grief I feel because I lost her is real, valid, and important". 

There is so much more to my grief and to the thoughts and feelings that I have on a daily basis. This is just a part of it, although, it's a huge part of it. The decision we made never sat well with me, and, it still doesn't. I don't think it ever will. I'll never be "okay" with the decision that we made, because, we ultimately decided to end the life of our child. That hurts - like hell. I don't think that's something you ever can become "okay" with...the part about being the person who chose to terminate a pregnancy and my child's life, in one fail swoop. I love my baby and I loved her when we made the decision we made. Some people may not understand that, but, I was trying to parent her in that moment and I will try and parent my dead child for the rest of my life. I can only hope that, one day, I will forgive myself for the decision I made - for the decision we felt we needed to make. For the sake of Isla, for the sake of our family, and most importantly...for Jeslyn's sake.

But, with ALL that said - it is STILL HARD. This grief is so complex and multi-faceted. I feel like it will take me until I am old and grey to really grasp it and get a handle on it. And that, in and of itself is heavy and overwhelming. Until then, I try to keep it together in the light of the day. I try to be who I was before this all happened, even though I know I'll never be that woman again. I am a new woman...and some people may find it hard to be around this "new me". And that's okay because I don't really give a sh*t. Well, I don't give a sh*t about how most people feel about what I am going through. Some people, I do care about and try not to alienate with my new normal. I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. But, I guess I do it...so that I don't lose everyone in my life. So that my child still has friends. But, I gotta say...it's exhausting to put on a face for people. To hold it together and be pleasant and "okay" when inside, I am slowly crumbling...slowly dying a little bit more every day from the unbearable loss I've experienced. I really just want to do nothing...nothing but the things I do to help me get through the daily fight of grieving. But, I know I can't do that. I know I can't shut everything else out because I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a student, I am a friend. I am so many things and I have responsibilities. Things I HAVE to do. And I mostly do them - I try, anyway...and just do the best I can.

I've been told lots that it seems all consuming and like there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel right now because it's all still so raw and new. And yeah...I am definitely still in that space where it seems like I will be in this fog for the rest of my life. But, I know I am actively trying to work my way through this and all I can do is keep doing what I am doing and hope that I do make it to the other side where that damn light is. 

Moms Gone Wild

That got your imagination running, huh? Well, we didn't get too crazy during our little getaway to the coast, but, there was definitely fun had by all. It was so nice to have some time with these ladies again. I haven't been seeing many of my TV ladies on a regular basis lately for different reasons. Mostly, because Alberto has school Monday through Thursday (from about 6-9ish) and I don't feel like it's kosher for me to get a babysitter to go out and drink with my friends while Al is at school. Also because lots of my mom friends are either pregnant with their second (and third if you were M about 3 weeks ago) or have a little one they just birthed. Well, I guess some of them aren't small anymore...between 6 months and 1 year old. But, it's still hard for me right now to see them.

Whoops - sorry for the Debbie Downer moment (these are the things that are in my head at any given moment). This is supposed to be a light, fun post. So, I'll get back to that.

The weekend started off just right. When ML and AM and I arrived at the coast (Cannon Beach), there were blue skies. BLUE SKIES PEOPLE. If you live in Oregon, you know how lucky that is, because, it's April and, well, the weather doesn't start to get predictable (in terms of sun - rain is always predictable) until AFTER the 4th of July. First on the agenda was to check out our digs. And man oh man were they...interesting, ha. First of all, the road to get to this place had massive pot holes. Not so fun when you're in a luxury vehicle like ML's - she's got a Land Rover (lucky lady, huh?). After navigating those puppies, we parked and walked up to what we thought was the front door, and, it was open. Like, ajar. We were immediately freaked out by that because we didn't know if the cleaning crew was still inside the rental or if someone else was in there. Luckily, neither of those things were the case and someone just carelessly left the door to this bedroom (the master) open. We were able to access the house from what I guess is the back door and we started to settle in. This place was, well, it was rustic. Charming, but, rustic. The pictures on VRBO (the rental site we'd used to find the place) did not accurately depict the very rustic nature of this rental. We'd talk about this ALL weekend, too, ha. But, whatever...it worked, and, it had a pretty nice partial ocean view.

Next up was lunch. We decided to sit down at Bill's Tavern. It was a nice lunch. The food was good, the conversation was good, my drink was good (I had a glass of wine - I think it was the first time I've ordered a drink while out at a meal since before I became pregnant with Jeslyn)...such a nice start to a weekend filled with drinks, good food, laughs, and just all around silliness. After lunch we walked around Cannon, just fumbling through the shops. We went into clothing stores, antique shops, wine bars, a toy store, and even a candy store. I bought mini gummy bears and a huge chocolate "I" for Isla as a gift.

When we got back to the house, I started dinner and while I was cooking away, the rest of the ladies arrived. There were 6 of us, so, a good group. After some chitchat and dinner (I made a delicious chicken enchilada soup), we walked down to the beach. It was gorgeous. We were all taking pictures - selfies, pictures of the sun and the water, of a certain lady's bare bum, ha. But at a certain point, I stopped and thought...about my baby. About what I'd lost. About how I would never get to watch a sunset with her on a beach, or how I'd never see Isla and her frolicking in the water together. Emotions just overcame me and I began to weep. I felt someone hug me...it was AM. We stood there looking at the water, just crying...no words. Just her embrace and the sound of the waves. And then D came to me...we also hugged while we looked out into the water. She said some lovely things to me, and, with that, I decided I would try and buck up and be happy - even though my heart was hurting.

That night was a pretty good night - we drank, ate, played games, we took a dip in the hot tub...we even joked about kissing each other (we even sent out texts to our husbands, asking if it was okay - too funny). We stayed up until almost 2am. Good, good times.

I didn't sleep well, but, that wasn't surprising. I woke up to ladies talking, breakfast being made...and to a lovely cup of joe. We sat and had breakfast, the 6 of us...it was so nice. I didn't notice it then, but, later in the day, ML told me that I'd poured myself some sparkling wine at breakfast. I wasn't thinking at the time, and, I was able to do it..all on my own. I was happy that I did, although, I wouldn't pour myself a drink at any other point during the weekend. Anyway, not long after we finished, the other ladies arrived. 2 more of our girlfriends decided to come for just one evening, so, they showed up around 11am. We all got showered and dressed and headed out to Seaside.

Seaside was so much fun. One of our TV ladies SB showed up (she'd moved out to the coast about a year ago) and it was so nice to see her again. We all went for lunch at a yummy place called Norma's. I had some delicious clam chowder, a salad, and a glass of bubbly. Everything was so tasty. After lunch we decided to explore the town. We played a fun game at fascination where you roll a ball into holes and try to get 5 lit lights in a row (4 or 5 of our ladies one a round - not me though, unfortunately), we visited a cute toy store where I bought Isla some neat toys, we tried on silly hats in a hat store, and then we went to the bumper cars. Man - those things were FAST. I must've been a target 'cause I got hit so many times. But, it was SO MUCH FUN...I felt like a kid again for the 5 minutes we were in that ring and the cars were zooming past each other. 

After our Seaside excursion, we headed back to our beach house and had another great night. There were tons of snack, drinks...lots of music, dancing, game playing, and overall silliness. I even kissed a girl! ha JM's lips were super soft and they tastes yummy, too. It was such a funny night. One of us, you know who you are, got a little crazy. None of us moms had ever seen her drunk, so, it was pretty hilarious to get to see her a little bit out of control. In all in all though, the night was a blast and I was sad it would be our last.

In the morning we woke up, chitchatted for a few hours while having a delicious breakfast, and then got ourselves dressed, all our things packed, and headed back into town (Cannon). We stopped at Sleepy Monk to get some coffee (AM LOVES it) and take a quick walk on the beach before we made our way back home. It was a nice day, and I am glad we decided to go down to the beach. The sun was out and shining bright through the scattered clouds. We took a ton of group photos, some of which you'll see below. We spent a good 45 minutes there and when we were all done, we jumped in the car and make the trek back home.

Such a wonderful weekend with some of the most lovely, beautiful, funny, caring, supportive women I know. Thank you all for a weekend to remember.

Friday @ Cannon with AM and ML

The sun setting on our first day in Cannon

Thinking about my angel baby...

Our digs for the weekend

Our ocean view...pretty nice, actually

A nice, cold flute of bubbly

Fascination...this game is addicting

Bummer cars...if you're ever in Cannon, you HAVE to go

LB getting her night started off right, ha

A couple beauties...JM and SB

Me and my Oregon Sis, AM

Me and AD...she's an undercover party animal, heh

Haystack Rock

Jumping for Jeslyn <3

Weekend Getaway

This weekend I am headed to the coast with my TV ladies. I know, I know...you're probably thinking, "Really? She's going on another ladies weekend?" I totally get it, and, I'm thinking the same thing. I feel terrible about the fact that Alberto hasn't gotten a weekend away to himself (not including work trips) since, well...never. I want so badly for him to have a guys weekend away at some point. I've actually been pushing him to plan something. But, I fear he'll never get away unless I plan it. So, I am thinking about doing that for him - maybe for sometime in October. I'm trying not to feel bad about going, because everyone I've told I am going away says the same thing "you need this". In a way, I do. But, I just wish Alberto had some time away too. 

Anyway, so yes...I'll be away again this weekend. That said, I won't be posting until Sunday evening, possibly Monday. But, when I do post, I'll post about my first Brief Encounters meeting (I went last night) and my beach getaway. 

Until then, have a good weekend everyone. 

Brief Encounters Support Group

Tonight was my first in-person grief support group session. I'd heard about Brief Encounters from our genetic counselor Pat (at Kaiser) and from our grief counselor Erin. I knew that I wanted to attend the meetings, but, wasn't sure when I would begin going. I didn't go the first time I had the opportunity (in March). but, I knew I wanted to go this month. It's only held on the 4th Thursday of every month, so, I'd had time to find child care for Isla in advance since Alberto wasn't going to attend with me - he's in class on Thursday nights. I was nervous about going all day. I didn't know what to expect, but, I'd hoped that I would be welcomed to the group with open arms and that it would be a positive experience for me

I stayed busy during most of the day...even throughout the afternoon. I was moving playing with Isla, moving while cleaning out kitchen, moving while doing Isla's laundry, and moving while making dinner for Isla and Alberto to eat. I feel like it was my nervous energy taking hold, because I felt like I just had to keep moving. It worked out pretty well, because, I finished all my "chores" just in time for Isla to sit down and start to eat her dinner on-time (at 6p). This was perfect because sitting down and doing something sort of distracts Isla from having a full blown meltdown when her sitter arrives. It's almost like she knew I was going to do something important though, because, for the first time ever there were NO tears. No "no, I want my mommy", no screaming...no nothing. We hugged and kissed, I said goodbye, and Isla calmly said "bye mommy". It was just the send off I needed.

As it tends to do in PDX, the rain was coming down fiercely. Traffic was going to be an issue if I took the route recommended initially by my GPS. So, I asked it to take an alternate route in order to avoid the delay is was forecasting. I'm glad I did, because I made it to Peace House (where the meetings for Brief Encounters are had) right on-time. If I hadn't re-routed myself, I would have been 10 minutes late. 

When I walked in, I didn't see a big group of people in the main meeting space like I'd imagined. There was a women sitting in a small sitting room off to the left - alone. She noticed me, asked me if I was there for a Brief Encounters meeting, to which I replied yes, and she said the meeting would be held in this smaller room. As I walked in, she explained that this particular meeting (specific to parents of pregnancies that have been interrupted due to medical reasons) was sparsely attended, so, the smaller space was more appropriate. Immediately, my heart sank. Sparsely attended? Why? Almost instantly my brain went to thoughts about how this meeting is sparsely attended because of the very controversial, hairy nature of the category to which I belong: parents who have decided to terminate a pregnancy and ultimately, decided to end the life of their child. Damnit. DAMNIT. See? This is what I DON'T NEED. I don't need to feel judged for the decision I made. Although there was no one there judging me directly, in that moment, I felt like the world was judging me and every parent who has had to make the heart breaking choice Alberto and I had to make. Because, even parents who've had to make the decision themselves can't even come out to a support group meeting like this and share their experiences and share their grief. Why? Probably because they judge themselves. Just like I judge myself. So crappy...gawd-damn stigma(s). I HATE stigmas. 

Given the fact that I was the only person to show up, I didn't have high hopes for this meeting. I didn't feel like it was going to give me the community I was looking for. The comrade from fellow parents who've lost their child to the anomaly that is T18...but, still...I am glad I went. 

The meeting started off with me getting to light a candle for my Jeslyn...my little angel, my love. It made me happy to have a symbol there of her - something tangible to share of her with the moderator of the group, Megan. She'd also lit two candles...one for each of the angel babies she has. Once we introduced ourselves, Megan went straight into her experience with losing her child - Shannon. She told me about everything...about her living daughters, about her experience with T21 and all the statistics she got to know personally, about the difference in her and her husbands thoughts and feelings about how to proceed with her pregnancy, about her experience with a very well known abortion clinic in Portland (which was the only option she was given when she went through losing Shannon - 10 years ago). She left no detail out, and, I appreciated her sharing her experience with me. When she was done, I felt compelled to lay it all out on the line for her. I too left no detail out, and, at the end of the meeting she knew everything about Jeslyn. How she came to be, how we found out about her diagnosis, how the day we lost her felt for me, how I've been in the days since losing Jeslyn...and everything in-between. She let me say anything and everything I needed to say, and, she understood IT ALL. Every single thing I said she'd felt and she's weathered before. It is so amazing, the feeling you get when you speak your truth to someone and they know EXACTLY how you feel because they've walked your path. Not for the same reason, but, that's almost even more amazing in a way. Her experience was different than mine, but, she is still able to 100% get where I am coming from. We even talked about my Dad and how he became a quadriplegic and how he died as well as my ex-fiance and how his accident played out (with respect to the grief I went through with that experience and how it lead me to Alberto) for me. It was 2 and a half hours of love, support, tears, joy, pain, sorrow, grief...it was everything I needed. Surprising, since it was just the two of us. But in the end, that didn't matter because I got the support I needed and I am thankful for that.

At the end of the meeting, Megan gave me the candle that I lit for Jeslyn, along with the candle holder that it sat in. I was s grateful that she let me take it - it's another tangible item that I can remember her by. 

Last but not least, she gave me a list (later in an email) of books that might be helpful for me in my grief journey. I thought I would list them here, just in case anyone might know someone else in their life who could benefit from them.

-We Were Gonna Have A Baby, But We Had An Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert (children's book)

-Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert

-Our Heartbreaking Choices: Forty-Six Women Share Their Stories of Interrupting a Much-Wanted Pregnancy by Christie Brooks (available on Amazon) [This book was compiled from women’s stories on AHeartbreakingChoice.com.]

-A Mother’s Dilemma: A Spiritual Search for Meaning following Pregnancy Interruption after Prenatal Diagnosis by Wendy L. Lyon (published by Pineapple Press Mullett Lake, MI)

-A Time to Decide, A Time to Heal: For Parents Making Difficult Decisions about Babies They Love by Molly A Minnick, Kathleen J. Delp, & Mary C. Ciotti (editor)

-Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis

A candle for my dear Jeslyn <3

NAILED IT

Image from: http://www.xeevents.com/

Today I had my second and last essay/interview at Clackamas Community College for the nursing programs I applied to for fall 2014 entry. Before heading out to CCC, I stopped off at home (from school - I have microbiology M/W from 9a-12:50p) to change my clothes and eat a quick lunch before making my way to the Harmony campus in Milwaukee. I wasn't sure what the drive would be like, but, it was actually fairly quick. I arrived about 25 minutes early. Once I got there, I realized I didn't know where the hell I was supposed to go. PCC's email with instructions for their essay process was very straight forward and had a building room and number...it even asked you to arrive 15 minutes early for check-in. The email from Clackamas had none of that. So, while I sat in my car in their parking lot, I called to confirm the building number for the health sciences and asked what I needed to do once I got into the building. Luckily, the women I spoke with was very polite and gave me instructions on how to get to where I needed to be.
Once I got to the waiting area, I sat down. I was the only person there...and for quite some time, too. I started to get nervous because I thought I might be the only person signed up for this time slot and I'd thought the interview was supposed to be a group interview. Luckily, I was not alone, and the other applicants started to make their way to the waiting room just before 2:45p (the start time). Once we were all present, our moderator lead us to a small computer lab. There were laptops set up on a table - about 10 of them. We got to sit down wherever we liked. The moderator asked us to read the paper sitting to the left of us...it was a piece of paper that had the prompt for the essay we needed to write. I won't go into detail about the question, but, I thought it was a fair question to ask for the time period allotted (we had 30 minutes). I started typing right away and I felt like I was on my way, writing a pretty good essay. When time was up, I'd just finished. I'd gotten a chance to write everything I thought I needed to write though. Heck, I even read through the thing from top to bottom before needing to press print. When we were all done, I felt so positive about the essay...it was nice to have good thoughts going into the interview portion. 

The interview went well, too. In fact, I feel like I nailed it. The four of us applicants sat down and took questions from 3 of the nursing faculty from CCC; Susan, Michelle, and Sarah. These women were so great. They were so welcoming and tried really hard to keep the mood in the room light. They even provided us candy to eat. At one point I asked if anyone had taken any candy from the bowls during the other interviews (none of the applicants, nor myself, had taken any at this point) and they said yes, some of the other applicants had. That lightened the mood some more, and we all pretty much let loose and took a piece. Again, I won't go into detail about the questions (I don't think I'm allowed to - although the process is over at this point), but, I think I answered all the questions I was given really well. I answered confidently, I answered using key words (like advocacy, prioritizing, time management, etc.), I elaborated on my thoughts, and I put my own personal touch on each of my answers. I really felt like the ladies of the panel were very receptive to what I said. Lots of nodding, smiles, and generally positive body language. They totally could have been receptive like this to most all the other (or maybe even all) applicants. I have no idea. But, I feel really good about it. 

We were told we would hear one way or another in the first week of May. I am both anxious and excited to find out. Until then, I will try and focus my efforts on doing better in microbiology. I got my first exam back and I got an 83%. Not stellar, but, good enough to put me in striking distance of an A in the course. Considering all that's gone on in the last few months and my current mental state, I'll take that any day of the week. 

On another note, I just want to give a quick shout out to my friend AM. She so generously agreed to pick Isla up from school today since I was away at my interview. She took Isla home with her and Isla got to play with her bestie from way back, Ms. S. I arrived at AM's house around 5:30ish and Isla and I stayed and played (and had a lovely dinner made by AM) until just after 8p. Thank you again for hosting us, AM. Isla and I always enjoy spending time with you gals and we're both looking forward to spending more time with you both <3

A Bittersweet Day

The Sweet:

Today Isla and I returned to swim class after a few weeks away. I was glad to take her back because she had been making really good progress with her alligator arms and with going under water. I had hoped that she wouldn't regress during our time away, and thank goodness, she didn't. She was very enthusiastic in class and was happy to jump into the water from the pool deck (standing up) while holding her alligator arms together. She did pretty well with kicking as well as the back float. Unfortunately, she was not into diving under the water to retrieve her ring. She'd had a bad experience with that before we took our break (she didn't do bubbles while under water and she swallowed a lot of it- coughed a ton, too), so I wasn't surprised that she was not into it. All things considered, she had a great class. It was really fun to see her go down the big slide into the pool. She created quite the splash, too. My hair got super wet, so, I knew I would have to wash my hair this afternoon. 

*Side note: If you know me, you know I pretty much NEVER wash my hair. Well, I wash it...just not often. ***black girl problems*** heh. It's a whole process to get it washed, combed out, blow dried, straightened, and styled. It can take hours. So, I was less than pleased when my hair got wet and I knew I'd have to wash it. To make matters worse...I'm not super good with doing my own hair - it's always a struggle. But, I do the best I can.

The Bitter:

At the end of class, one of my Gymboree clients and her son S happened to be sitting on the pool deck, waiting for their class to start. N recognized me, called my name, and said hello. I said hello back, but, because I know she is pregnant, I tried not to make it a long conversation where I'd have to stand there and talk to her...all the while, trying not to look at her belly (she's probably due soon - with a baby girl). I probably sounded awkward because she asked if I remembered who she was - of course I did. Again, I was just trying to be polite, but short...so I could get into the changing room as quickly as possible. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings or make her think I didn't want to socialize with her outside of Gymboree. Maybe one day I'll point her to this blog and she'll read and understand why I acted the way I did.

Once Isla and I were all done getting showered and dressed, we headed to Target. I go to Target ALL the time. In fact, our Target credit card (gotta get that 5% off) has become some what of a monthly bill for us. Sorry babe. This time though, I had a very small list of things to get so I wasn't going to get out of hand. One of the things on my list was Isla's bath soap. It's Aquaphor 2 in 1 and it works really well. It doesn't have any dyes or any artificial scents. We started using it when Isla was like 6 months old because her skin was really sensitive and it got irritated from any of the Johnson and Johnson products we tried to use (we'd gotten a bunch of it from our family and friends at our baby shower). Our pediatrician at the time suggested it as well as the ointment they have (for diaper rash or skin sensitivity) and we've used them both ever since. Anyway, the soap is in the baby section...and I couldn't avoid going there to get it. So I went, and as I walked through the section to get to the aisle with the soap I started to get emotional. All of the products that I won't need to care for my Jeslyn were starring me in the face and it hurt. I felt the grief and pain bubbling up in my chest, working its way up and out...and in that moment, I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. I wanted to scream because my child, my baby, is gone. I want so badly to need those products to care for her and to not feel what I feel when I am in this section of the store. But, I feel it...and it is the reality. Although I was hurting and needed to cry, I couldn't succumb to my hurt and my pain - I was with Isla. So I held it together, I quickly grabbed the soap and made a bee line for the office/stationary section 'cause I needed to pick up some index cards and a notebook for my microbiology class. 

                                                 ***

I know I must sound like a broken record. But, it's so prominent in my thoughts and in my feelings right now. I am smack dab in the middle of trying to figure out how to live with the decision I made...how to live with the reality that I have a living child and a child in heaven. There are so many layers to my grief and it complicates things to the nth degree. Sometimes I feel like there is going to be no end to this and I will always be in this space. This very difficult space. Erin, our grief counselor, says that although it doesn't feel like there is a light at the end of this very dark, haunting tunnel, there really is. I just have to get there...do the work, and get there. God, please help me get there. Please give me the strength to work through this and get there. Where there is. 

Sushi Date

For the life of me, I can't get enough sushi. It's something I crave day in and day out...I could seriously eat it every.single.day. So, when my friend M and I (her husband J works with Alberto - that's how we met) decided to get together to talk about our fitness plans for the coming months, I had only one suggestion on a restaurant: Sushi Hana. It was perfect because Mallory hadn't been there before, so it would be a new experience for her...and, it's really close to the PCC Sylvania campus. Oh, and did I mention that it's like my favorite sushi place?

When I got done with my first microbiology test (don't think I did super well - probably a high C, low B at best), I hopped in my car and drove the quick 5 minutes to meet M. She was already there when I arrived, which was perfect. I joined her at the sushi bar and watched as the little plates of delightful yumminess passed me by. I started with salmon nigiri and had much, much more. I don't even know the names of everything I had, but, I ate a ton. Hey - don't judge me...I skipped breakfast this morning.

While enjoying our sushi, M and I talked about everything. I mean, what didn't we talk about? We discussed my nursing school application status, we talked about how micro is going, we discussed M's job and how that is going for her, about her upcoming visit to So Cal and to Idaho (where she's from), we talked about how amazing my husband is and how he's been the best support for me on this very tough journey in becoming Jeslyn's mama. And, then M got emotional...because she thought about how what happened to me was her worse nightmare (we'd begun lightly discussing her and J's plans to someday have a baby). Sometimes, even though I am feeling emotional and want to cry, I can't when someone I care about is hurt and/or crying. That's what happened with M. Even though I could feel the grief welling up in my chest and it beginning to bubble up into my eyes...the second I saw that M was getting emotional and tearing up, it stopped bubbling. I think part of the reason why that happens is because I am such a nurturer and protector, and when I see someone I care about hurt, I just forget about my own feelings and immediately tend to theirs. And that is what I did in this situation, too. M was so sweet and so understanding about everything that I had told her about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about my Jeslyn. It's so nice to be able to talk about her with someone who may not understand, but, gives me the space and time to lay everything out...no matter how long it takes. She's a good listener, and, I so appreciate that about her.

When our conversation moved away from Jeslyn, it moved into talking about our fitness goals...which, was the reason we decided to have lunch in the first place. This would kinda be our last hoorah meal, or so I'd like to think. We talked about the different gym options in our area, and, we settled on Crunch fitness. I like this option because it's only $9.99 a month. This makes me not feel so bad about joining a gym, cause, I'm lucky enough to have free weights and a treadmill in the comfort of my own home. But, it's been difficult for me to get back on my treadmill because my journey as Jeslyn's mama took a turn for the worse the last time I got on it (that's another story for another time). We decided that since the rest of this month and May is going to be busy for both of us, we'd plan to join in mid-June. Until then, we're supposed to work on our fitness at home. Our goal is to get together at least once a week to work out together. I'm excited to get back on the right track with my weight, cause, Lord knows I've gained way too much (probably 30lbs now). So, after my ladies weekend (I know what you're thinking - ANOTHER ONE?!?!), I am going to rededicate myself to eating right and working out...and, hopefully muster up the courage to get back on the horse. Or, you know...get back on my treadmill. 

Easter 2014

What an amazing Easter Sunday we had. Isla was just the cutest thing ever when she woke up in the morning. It was almost like she didn't immediately know it was Easter. But, once she climbed out of her bed, she just stood there...and then, when her brain clicked and she remembered, she came running over to me. Both Alberto and I said "It's Easter Isla - happy Easter!" and she got so excited. We took her potty and then we let her run into the bonus room to find her basket. She was so delighted with all the treats and sweets inside it. She wanted to eat all the candy we filled the eggs with, of course (jelly beans, skittles, gummy bears, chocolate kisses, and malted eggs). We let her have a few pieces here and there while she fumbled through what the Easter Bunny had left for her. She loved all the puzzles (she got 5 total - a huge hand made wooden one from Melissa and Doug, and two different kinds of the cardboard ones...all Disney Jr shows she likes), her sand toys, the toys for her playdoh, the safety scissors as well as the dot-a-dot art dotters she got. It was so fun doing the puzzles with her. We bribed her to have break fast (with candy, heh) and after that, Alberto played with her for a little while while I went out into our backyard to hide the eggs we'd dyed the day before. I also hide some of the plastic eggs we'd put candy in (I took all the candy out and ate it, hehe). Once I was done, I got our camera and we all headed outside for Isla's egg hunt. She LOVED it, and, it was so adorable seeing her discover each egg. Whenever she found on, she's say "hhhuuuuuhhhh!" and she'd pick it up and say "I found another one!". Once she found all the eggs in the backyard, she noticed there were eggs on the stairs leading up to the front yard. She asked to look for eggs in the front yard, which was perfect because we had a surprise waiting for her in the garage...her brand new, pink, Disney Princess Mustang (power wheel)! She was so excited. It was the cutest thing ever to see her drive her little car. It's going to take some practice, but, she'll eventually get the hang of it. We visited with our neighbors and friends M & T for a while and then we came home for lunch and a nap (for Isla). 
Later I cooked us an awesome dinner and we enjoyed it as a family. Here are a few photos of our day:

Isla's Easter Loot

Silly faces

Enjoying her dotters

Playdoh toys

Playing with eggs, waiting to go egg hunting 

Finding eggs in the backyard 

Eggs galore 

Cruising in her new ride

Easter dinner 

My Family <3

Although we had a very nice Easter...as always, I can't help but feel like something is missing. I am fine, emotionally, a lot of the time. And I've been having more good days than bad as of late. But, inevitably, the moments come when I stop moving (I am always moving...always busy) and I think about what has happened to me. When I allow myself the time to think about what I've lost. When let myself think about how incredibly sad I am that Jeslyn will not be here in my arms in late summer/early fall and what that means for every day I will live for the rest of my life. How every holiday, there will be someone missing. And there it is again...my black cloud, stopping by to remind me that although it's been a good day, my black cloud is never far from me. For I have lost my child and the sadness (although I will eventually learn how to live with it on a daily basis and be "okay") I feel will NEVER go away. 

Oh Jeslyn...I love you and I miss you in my tummy every.single.day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that things could have been different - that you were still in my tummy, and that we'd have a date in the very near future where I would birth you into this world and hold you close. Please know that no mater what, you are my daughter and although we have not met yet, we will be together in the end. Until then, your Grand Daddy will take good care of you for me <3

The Night Before Easter

I've been waiting to do this with Isla since she was born. I love doing these things with her, because it reminds me of my own childhood and I love starting traditions with her and traditions for our family. 

Today is the first time we got to dye Easter eggs. So much fun. Isla LOVED it and she did so well. Of course she got eager at times and wanted to pull the eggs out of the dye before they were ready. She also had a bad habit of dropping the eggs while she was working with them (using the magic marker or putting stickers on them). Oh well, we all had fun and I think the eggs we did turned out great. It'll be fun to watch her hunt for them in the back yard. 

Here are a few photos of the first of many years dyeing Easter eggs the night before Easter:

Super excited to dye some eggs

Me and my girl

Workin' it

My loves <3

So impressed with her egg, hehe

Our eggs, minus one that over boiled :-(

Urgent Care

Yesterday my eye was looking worse for wear. I didn't notice anything in the morning when I got ready for the day, but, I did notice it when I went to the restroom during my pre-counseling lunch date with Alberto. It was RED. Alberto didn't tell me, either...not until I said something after noticing it. After our counseling session, I looked at it again in the mirror when I went to the restroom and it looked worse from just 2 hours before (because it was even more red). Luckily, there wasn't any pain associated with the redness. But, it progressively got worse in color throughout the afternoon/evening...when we went to bed, it was blood shot. I'd decided then that I would be going in to urgent care this morning to get it looked at, because, I was concerned it could be pink eye. If left untreated, pink eye can progress into some not good things...blindness, even.

So I woke up around 8a this morning, woke Isla up and got her breakfast, and made some coffee. Lucky for me, Alberto was woken up by a work call at about 8:30a (lucky because I didn't have to wake him). I went in to say hello and kiss him, and when I did, I mentioned my eye. We discussed our plans for the weekend and it seemed best if I go to urgent care this thing this morning. So I got things ready for Isla (just in case I wasn't back before it was time to leave for gymnastics), got myself ready, said my goodbyes, and I took off.

I made it to Kaiser 5 minutes after 9a...right after urgent care opened for the day. After I got checked in, I sat down to wait for them to call my name and in less than 5 minutes, I was called. That was nice - I thought I might be in there for a while. The nurses assistant (NA) took me back to an exam room and took my vitals. My BP was 128/60, my resting heart rate was 63 (pretty darn good), my oxygen saturation was 99% (again, good), and my temp was 97.6 (it's always lower than 98.6). So all good stuff. Then the NA asked me why I was there and I explained what's been going on with my eye. Then...she asked me an unexpected question: "you're pregnant, right?" My heart sank...along with my head, and away went any minute happiness I had had. My black cloud reared its ugly head and it was all I could do to fight back tears. I answered her, saying "no I am not pregnant - I was, but I am not now" and she said that she was sorry for the mixup and that she would change that in my chart. I didn't look at her again after that...I just looked at the ground. She said she would go and let the doctor know I was ready to be seen and then she left. I immediately started crying and sent a text to Alberto to let him know what had happened. He said he was sorry and that he couldn't believe it had happened. I couldn't believe it either, since I needed to be referred to the downtown women's clinic (by Kaiser) to have the procedure done...which means Kasier must've noted it in my file somewhere. Also, Alberto and I are currently in grief counseling...another thing that I am sure is noted in my file. I don't know how it happened, but, it hurt...like a dagger in my already broken and battered heart. 

When the doctor came in, she asked me a few questions about my eye (what kind of work I do, has there been any debris near my eyes or was there the possibility of shrapnel of any kind getting into my eyes - all no's) and then she looked at it with the ophthalmoscope. Her diagnosis must've been pretty simple, because as soon as she was done looking at my eye through the ophthalmoscope, she said I have conjunctivitis (pink eye). Which, I thought to be the case. I'm not sure how I got it, but, she prescribed an antibiotic eye drop, said I needed to use it 4 times a day for a week, and that was it. She shook my hand, said have a great day, and she left. The NA came back to reiterate what the doctor said, give me my aftercare paperwork and told me to go to the pharmacy to grab the eye drops. We said our goodbyes, I headed to the pharmacy to get my prescription, and within 5 minutes I was on my way home. Gotta love the one-stop-shop nature of Kaiser. 

I was able to make it back home in time to get Isla dressed and ready to go to gymnastics. I even packed her a lunch as well (since we'd planned on running some errands after her class). We'll get ready to leave in a little while since class starts at 11:15a. I'm looking forward to studying my flash cards for my first microbiology exam while Isla has fun in class. 

On another note...what happened this morning reminds me of something we talked about in our grief counseling session yesterday. I said that I feel like being in public is liking walking around, avoiding land mines. Seeing a pregnant women with a big belly is a land mine. Seeing a mom with a small infant in a carrier is a land mine. The NA this morning asking me if I was pregnant is another land mine. When these things happen, they blow up my heart and make me want to bleed my emotions all over the place. They hurt so bad, and, I avoid going in public so that I can spare myself the pain and hurt that comes with stepping on one of these land mines. But, I find myself thinking...is this my life now? Staying indoors and avoiding life and what comes with living it in order to protect myself from the things I know I will see when I am out and about? It's so hard to stay indoors, because I have Isla to think about...I can't keep her cooped in and avoid playdates, parks, storytimes, birthday parties and the like forever. I know this. But, it's so much easier for me to just avoid it. And for now, I think I will continue to avoid it whenever I can (as I said in my last post). This all is still so raw for me and whatever I can do to get through these first few months, I will do. However, I trust in our grief counselor Erin and I know that she will help me to learn how to navigate these land mines and deal with my feelings and emotions in these moments. I look forward to the day when I can put those tools to use and be "okay" when I am in public and feel like I no longer need to hide myself away. 

Grief Counseling Session # 2

Today we had our second grief counseling session. Since our appointment was at 2:30p, Alberto and I decided to have lunch together beforehand. It worked out nicely since my study session with classmates was a bust (hoping my friend and study buddy T gets better soon) and I was pretty much done trying to study around 12:30. Once I packed up, I drove from the PCC Sylvania campus to Alberto's plant in Hillsboro. We'd decided to go to Del Taco (I used to eat DT ALL the time in California - I've not had it since we moved to Oregon over 2 years ago) and since Alberto knows where it is, I followed him. Lunch was good...just like I remembered it. It felt pretty nostalgic eating chili-cheese fries, chicken spicy jack quesadilla, and a crispy shrimp taco (or two). I've been eating it for YEARS. On, and don't judge me...cause, yes...I ate it ALL. Whatevs.

We made it to our counseling session early and that made me nervous because Erin's office happens to be on the 3rd floor...in the OB/GYN dept. So annoying, because, there is a huge waiting area with lots of chairs that are often filled with pregnant women and postpartum women with their infants. Erin told us to check in and wait near the door next to to the check-in because it's as far away as we were going to get from all the pregnant women and women with babies. I purposely put my back to the large waiting area and tried to focus all my attention on Alberto. This worked, because before I knew it, Erin was greeting us and asking us to follow her back to her office.

This office was much nicer than the first space we met her in. Obviously, this was her home office and the other space was just a floating type office. Anyway, I won't go into too much detail about our session. Instead, I'm going to highlight the things that stuck out for me:

1. I am having a hard time with the decision we made. I've always known that I would struggle with the decision, because, it completely goes against my personal moral code. I've never been one to judge people about their own preferences when it comes to abortion, or, terminating a pregnancy. But, for me..personally, it's always been something I was 100%, completely against. Therefore, I took the appropriate measures in my adolescence and my early adulthood. You know, to prevent putting myself in a situation where I'd need to make that decision. But, that's what makes this so difficult and makes it hurt SO DAMN MUCH. I am married and in a very loving relationship. In fact, I am madly in love with my husband and the thought of carrying his child makes me proud beyond belief. I want to have another child...for myself, for my family...and maybe most of all, for Isla. I want so badly for her to have a playmate. For her to have a sibling to love on and cherish and grow with. She's actually expressed her want for a sibling with us, several times. One day, she even said to me "Mommy, can you make a baby?" (it broke my heart because it was after I'd loss Jeslyn). So, Jeslyn was very much wanted. I wanted her before I knew she was there, and, although I was scared and worried when I initially found out about her, I never not wanted her once I knew she was there. So...how do I reconcile the choice I made within myself when I WANTED and STILL WANT my child? Under normal circumstances, I would NEVER EVER EVER choose to end the life of my child. I know that both Alberto and I tried to make the best decision we could, based on our family...but, I know for certain that I didn't make the best decision for me. At the time, I didn't concern myself with how I would feel about it after the fact - I only knew that I thought it was what was best for Isla (because we didn't feel like we could explain what was happening to her without mentally overwhelming her or even confusing or hurting her). Erin said that we make the ultimate Mommy and Daddy sacrifice, and, I feel as though that is 100% true. We made the most difficult decision a parent could ever have to make, and, although I know that and I know that I did what I did out of love for Isla and Jeslyn...it still hurts, SO MUCH. This is something I will have to work on and work through with Erin's help. Starting the process of forgiving myself for making the decision I made.

2. It is completely okay for me to find it hard being around pregnant women and women with small babies, and for now, it is okay for me to avoid it. I've been feeling guilty about this, because sometimes I keep Isla away from activities to shield myself from what I know I am going to have to see. I've missed out on trips to the park because of this, on trips to OMSI, on birth parties...and, it's okay. I've come to term these encounters that I try to avoid "land mines". Erin liked my analogy, and, I call them that because when I see these things, my heart is completely blown into pieces because my baby is gone and I'll never get to carry her in a carrier. I'll never get to feed her nourishment from my breast. I'll never get to push her in a double stroller with Isla. I know all these things all the time and they are always on my brain, but, seeing babies and pregnant bellies in front of me makes these things come crashing into the forefront of my brain and it is all I can do not to scream: I WANT MY BABY!!!!!! Or to stop and bawl right there, on the spot. I try so hard not to get emotional in front of Isla because I want to protect her and be the mommy is has always had. So, until Erin and I figure out a way for me to deal with these emotions in the moment, I will avoid public places where I might see things like this.

3. For whatever reason, it has been difficult for me to drink post losing Jeslyn. It look me almost a month to take a sip of alcohol, and, I am not entirely sure why. Part of me feels like it's because if I drink, I am admitting that my baby is gone. Drinking is something I would NEVER do while pregnant, so, taking a drink is just another thing to me that proves that I am no longer pregnant and I look my child's life. I also think it's hard because although I know Jeslyn's T18 diagnosis had absolutely nothing to do with the drinking I did before I found out about being pregnant, I feel guilt about it. Before getting pregnant with Isla, I prepared. I stopped drinking months ahead of time, I'd started taking prenatal vitamins and eating well ahead of trying to conceive. I made sure that I took care of my temple and made sure that I was the best I could be for a pregnancy. That didn't happen with Jeslyn, and, I hate that. Even though I understand that there is an "all or nothing" period between conception and implantation where if drinking were a problem, it would likely result in a miscarriage and I would have never even known I was pregnant. I totally get that. But, still...I have guilt. At this point I have started drinking again, but, I can't bring myself to pour my own drink. Erin said it was interesting, and, to sit with it and think about it some more. So, I plan on doing that between now and our next appt (two weeks from today).

There are still so many things that I want to talk with Erin about, but...I know this is a process and things will come out as they need to. For now, I will keep writing things down that I want to talk about in therapy to make sure what I don't forget to talk about the things that are most pressing for me.

Oh, I also mentioned to Erin that I'd made this blog public and she's all for it. She loves that I've found another outlet for my grief and she encouraged me to continue writing and sharing my story if it's therapeutic for me. It is, so, I will keep writing.