Tearful Friday

Such a tough day today. A tough, heartbreaking day. 22 weeks...I would have been 22 weeks pregnant with Jeslyn today. Instead, I am 8 weeks post losing her. 8 whole weeks it's been since I went through the most tragic, horrific experience of my entire life. 8 weeks since I woke up with my sweet Jeslyn in my belly and went to sleep the same night with an empty belly and a shattered heart. Oh how I miss my girl. I miss having her growing inside my belly...anticipating her beginning to kick, looking forward to my pudgy tummy turning into a round, hard belly bump. But, here I am...living in the aftermath of it all. Trying to pick up the pieces after grief chewed me up and spit me out - raw and jagged. 

I felt it today - the age I've gained since 3/14/14. Not that I haven't felt it before, but, today it was acutely on my mind. I feel old. I feel haggard. I feel broken. Just trying to get through the day to day on days like today is tough. But, today I was accountable to someone else. I had planned to meet my study buddy, T, for a study session...so, that is what I did. I can't say that my mind was 100% on studying while we were working. But, I tried my best. I learned some things, and, I hope I helped T learn some things.

...and then it happened. While I was on a walk, I sent a text to my Mom about how I've felt about her presence in my life during this difficult time. During my grief journey. And, she called me back...we talked, and it was the worst conversation I've had with my mom - ever. In.my.life. Just terrible, and, I've got to be honest - some of the things my Mom said to me were unbelievable. Many of those things were on the list of the worst things you can say to a grieving mother. And I just couldn't believe it. You know, since my Mom has been through something very similar to me. My older sister, Gloria, was still born in 1983. I never knew her, but, I knew of her...from the few times my mother spoke about her. I somehow thought she would have a greater understanding of what I am going through and that she would be a cornerstone of my grief. Not true. Instead, she doesn't really get it...and I don't know why. All I know is that I think my relationship with my mother is forever changed. I love her still, yes, of course...she is my mother. But, I know now that my Mom isn't someone I can confide in about the grief I am experiencing since losing Jeslyn. I know now that I can't expect from her what I thought that I could. I know now that my grief is something I will share with those who understand me and what I am feeling and don't expect me to "get over it" or to not "wallow in my grief". I know that some of my Mom's reaction to letting her know my needs is relative to her own grief. She's dealt with many things in her life - losing her child, losing a brother, and losing her husband. So, I know that she's got some things to deal with in her life before she can play an active role in supporting me through my grief process. So, until there comes a time when she's able to see past her own grief and help me get through mine, I am out. I am done. And that's okay. I am lucky in that I have a supportive husband, I have many supportive friends, and I even have women who support me who have stood in my shoes and walked my path. And that will have to be enough. 

Anyway, yes...it is a tearful Friday today. For many a reason.