How Do I Answer That?

Today Alberto, Isla and I attended Isla's best friend's third birthday party. Isla was so excited to go because we'd been talking about it for a few weeks now. Here's her holding up the invitation when she got it in the mail...

The doc is in!

We arrived just in time to say our hellos to the birthday girl and all her guests before being whisked away into the gym to have some gymnastics fun. Isla knows this particular gym very well, as she takes gymnastics classes every Saturday at 11:15a there. In fact, this was her second time in the gym today, since it is a Saturday. Once the party leader lead us into the gym and showed us where to start the fun, the kids (and the adults) had a blast. They got to play in both the foam pits in the gym, jump/bounce on the many trampolines, jump/bounce in the bounce castle that was blown up specially for S's party...there was even a HUGE three person swing that the kids got to swing around in. Hell, I even did a cartwheel/round off. By all accounts, it was a fun birthday party (there weren't any babies in attendance - not sure if it was by design or it just ended up that way). And then it happened. Alberto and I were talking with one of the little guests parents - a dad. It was small talk, mostly...how do you know the birthday girl's parents, do you bring Isla to gymnastics here, where'd you come up with her name, yadda yadda. Then he asked, "do you just have the one kid?" In the moment I answered, "Yes, just Isla". But, the moment the words came out of my mouth, my heart sank and it burned something fierce. Did I really just say that? But, also...did he just ask me that? And, HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION?!?!?! How does any parent with an angel baby, a dead child, answer that question when some asks? 

I'm sure he wanted me to ask the reciprocal question to the question he asked me, which is: "how many kids do you have?". I didn't - I didn't want to know. Or, I didn't need to know because I already know. I knew his wife had just had a baby fairly recently. So, actually, I didn't need to ask. I didn't need to hear him tell me what I already know. After that, we were both distracted with our kids and the conversation was over, thank goodness. Although,  it wasn't over for me...I would play it over and over again in my head for the rest of the afternoon and into this evening.

Even now, as I write this post it bothers me. What I said bothers me; it hurts. I don't have one child - I have TWO. I have one living child, yes. But, I have two children, both of whom I love to the ends of the earth and beyond. So, I am left to ponder...how do I answer this question when it comes up again, because, it no doubt will. I want to tell the truth. I want to say: "I have two children - Isla, and Jeslyn - my angel baby in heaven". Maybe I will just answer that way? Saying only that and no more. No elaboration, or explanation. Just "I have two children - Isla, and Jeslyn - my angel baby in heaven". I think about her all the time and despite the fact that she isn't physically on this earth, she is my daughter. Forever and always, and I want to honor her whenever I have the chance. Speaking her name and telling people about her is another way to do that, in my eyes. 

So, despite the situation...despite whether the circumstances aren't such that I should talk of such things - I will. I will never again answer that I have one child...because I don't. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN. Two. And I will wear my mom badge for them both, proudly.