Cinco de Drinko?

It's Monday, so, that means I started my day off at school. I was sort of apprehensive to go to my lab today because last Wednesday, I took my first practical exam. I didn't feel great about it - but, I knew I did okay. But, you know me...okay is never good enough. When my professor handed my answer sheet back, I immediately got nervous because I saw purple writing ALL over it. It was everywhere, so, I automatically thought it was filled with corrections and that I likely did worse than I thought I did. It was going to be a busy day in lab today, as we had 10 different medias to inoculate (that means I had to spread my unknown bacterium in 10 different kinds of tubes - filled with different kinds of broths) and I wanted to make sure to do my best. So, I decided to wait until I was done inoculating everything before I looked at my practical. Surprisingly, I did well...I scored 91.5/100. There was a half a point taken off for a question that included a drawing that didn't ask us to label it (the points were deducted because I didn't label my drawing), so, I'll get the half a point for that and end up with a 92/100. Not my best outing on a practical, but I'll take it. Unfortunately, the positive feelings I had regarding my practical were short lived - as soon as I got into the lecture portion of my class, I had to take a quiz that I probably got a 6/10 on. FML. But, as I've done all term (and I'll continue to do it), I won't be hard on myself. I am doing the best I can right now, and, that's all I can ask of myself.

Moving on...

Today is also Cinco De Mayo, aka "a reason to drink" day to most people I know. As I've mentioned before, I have had a hard time pouring myself a drink. I really don't know why...or maybe I do? I somehow feel like pouring myself a drink is connected to my feelings of guilt regarding Jeslyn's T18 diagnosis. Even though I know that the drinking I did early in my pregnancy (like before I knew I was pregnant) doesn't have anything to do with why Jeslyn's cells did not divide properly and because they didn't divide properly is why she had T18. Nevertheless, I still think about it and there is still a connection for me. What's weird though (to me, anyway), I can drink a drink...I just can't pour it. It's almost like I can pass the blame on to someone else if something bad were to happen because they poured me the drink. I know that sounds dumb...but, I really don't know how to explain it. Alberto has been really accommodating with me about this, and, has poured me a drink whenever I have asked him to. Although, there have been times when he's gotten frustrated with me and told me he wasn't going to do it forever. Anyway, the other day (maybe it was yesterday), I poured a drink for Alberto...but couldn't pour one for myself. Baby steps, I guess?

I told myself this afternoon that I needed to pour a drink for myself and for Alberto today, because, it is OK for me to pour myself a drink. It is okay for me to enjoy having a cocktail, because, the truth is...I am not pregnant anymore and I am not harming anyone or anything by indulging in a cocktail (depending on the way you look at having a casual drink). I honestly think that is it. It's like pouring a drink for myself was another thing that proves to me that Jeslyn is gone. I mean, I know she is gone...and it hurts like hell. I HATE the fact that she's gone and that I have to admit that to myself over and over again through different things happening to me (like my period coming). I try to hold on to whatever I can to prove that she was here, I guess...and not pouring myself a drink is one of those things. But, like I said - I told myself it was time tonight and I did it...I poured myself and Alberto a glass of wine, consciously doing it. Thinking about doing it and then choosing to do it. Alberto was proud of me and I am proud of myself. Another step...further away from Jeslyn, but, closer to healing and learning how to live with my loss. 

***

Isla has been asking for me to make this soup...I think it's her favorite. It's a Lemon Chicken Orzo soup and it's darn tasty. She eats an entire bowl of it, and, even downs the broth after shes eaten all the veggies, chicken, and pasta out of her bowl. I love this soup because it's like a complete meal. It has so much nutrition in it, and, even better, my kid loves it. There's nothing better than making a meal that my kid begs for and then actually eats. Oh, and it's something Alberto and I can eat and enjoy. It really doesn't get any better than that. Interested in making it? Here's the link to the recipe. I change a few things...I use spinach instead of celery, I only use the zest and juice of one lemon and I add about 10-11 cups of chicken broth (or I use 8 cups chicken broth and two cups water with a little chicken bouillon in there). If you make it, let me know how it turns out and if you love it as much as we do.

http://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/lemon-chicken-orzo-soup/

PS - here are a couple photos of my babe enjoying her dinner ;-)

The final product

Large spoonfuls, and, she eats every bit of it

Down the hatch!