A Low Week

Ever since I found out about not getting into the nursing program at PCC, I've been felling pretty low, scared and discouraged. I have been working towards applying to nursing school for almost two years now (taking all my pre-req classes). Putting in so much time, work, and tears...and now, I have nothing to show for it. I didn't get into either of the programs that I applied to, even though I did all I could do in terms of getting the grades I needed to make myself competitive. I know I am on the waitlist for both programs, and that gives me a chance. Sort of leaving the door open. But, not knowing and just waiting around, hoping to get a phone call is so tough. It's just another thing that's in limbo for us and I can't stand all the unknowns. I'm a planner at heart, and not knowing what's going to happen in our lives in the near future just completely stresses me out. How can I plan for anything if I have no idea what's coming? 

What's more is...I just keep thinking in my head - if I were pregnant, I could use that as a means to distract me from all the uncertainty floating around in our life right now, because, I would have something to look forward to. Jeslyn to look forward to. A definitive, amazing moment that I could count on happening. I mean...who doesn't look forward to birthing their baby and meeting the newest love of their life for the first time? But, I don't even have that. I don't have Jeslyn - I don't have nursing school. 

Right now, it just feels like so many things are being taken from me. I know I have a lot - I have my wonderful husband and a beautiful living daughter to love. And I am thankful for both of them. Very thankful. But, that is not enough. I want Jeslyn and I want to go to school to learn to be a nurse and do what I know I am meant to do - help people and families in their time of need. 

So, yeah...I'm feeling pretty shitty this week. 

But, while I was working out in our yard today (trying to get our grass to grow) I found something. It was a fortune...probably from a fortune cookie. It said "Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal. You will succeed". God works, doesn't he? I really needed to see that, because its so hard to stay focused sometimes. Especially in times like this...where it just seems like no matter what I do, my black cloud is always there - ready to rain on me. But, I am going to keep trying...to live, to be happy, to work towards my goal. For myself, for my family...and specifically, for Jeslyn. I know that one way I can honor her and her memory is to keep living. To keep striving to meet my goals and make her proud. So I will. Every.single.day.