I thought I nailed it...

Image credit: http://www.no-dice.net/

I guess I didn't. I got an email from Clackamas CC today about their nursing program. I didn't get in. I was placed on the alternates list. I got the email while I was at a play date with my friend D and his boys P and C. I immediately got hiccups the second I saw it in my Inbox. Because, well, whenever I get nervous I get the hiccups. I sent Alberto a text telling him that I'd gotten an email from them and told him I couldn't open. He asked me what I was going to do...I told him I'd wait until I got home to open it. Miraculously. I did wait until I got home. Isla and I greeted Alberto and then he mentioned the email. He was outside getting our grill in order because I'd marinated some carne asada and cut up some bell peppers to grill. His car was parked in our garage and he leaded on it (back to the car), gesturing for me to lean on him. He held me (my back to his chest) while I opened the email and we both read it at the same time. Alberto said to me "well, it's what you thought, right?". He'd said that because when I walked up to him to say hello I said I didn't think I got in. Initially I was disappointed...because, no one wants to be rejected. Right? Not being picked for something you worked hard for sucks. It just sucks. But, I wasn't crushed...I wasn't devastated. Not like I thought I'd be. Why, you ask?

So...I've been thinking a lot lately about having another baby. I'm sure you're thinking "But...you're still grieving the loss of Jeslyn. She hasn't even been gone 2 months yet". Trust me, I know exactly what you're thinking. I, too, have thought the same thing. In fact, I feel guilty for having thought about having another baby already. Because, I miss my Jeslyn so. I want nothing more than to have her safe in my belly, growing, thriving, and getting ready for her September arrival. But, you and I both know that is not going to happen...no matter how hard I wish and want for it to. I can only hold her in my mind and in my heart now, and, that makes me incredibly sad and it hurts fiercely, because my heart breaks for her every single day. 

Still, Alberto and I feel so strongly about adding to our family. If you know Isla, you know that she LOVES babies. Well, she loves other children - period. She thrives on communication and play with her peers and we want so badly to give her a sibling to love on, to play with, to grow with. She wants it too and has been very vocal about it. Just this week when we were at swim class (on Tuesday), we sat on the pool deck while we waited for our class to start, and Isla intently watched the class finishing up in the pool. Why? Because it was a class of babies and their grownups. She smiled so sweetly, grinning at the little ones kicking and splashing in the pool. She confided in me that she wanted a baby of her own. So, you see...putting aside my want and need to care for another newborn, Isla - my sweet girl, is longing for a baby of her very own. Specifically, a brother (she's told us several times that she wants a brother). 

How does all this tie into learning I didn't get into Clackamas' nursing program? Well, not going to nursing school this fall sort of opens up our calendar to begin trying for another baby whenever we feel it's right. There is no window to work in (to try and conceive so I would have the baby in the summer) and no pressure regarding being pregnant while in nursing school. It means I would be able to look for a job in the health care field, since I have no professional experience, and add that to my application for next year. It means if I am healthy and there is no scarred tissue or anything that might cause a problem with a pregnancy (I plan on scheduling an appointment to talk to my OB and get these things checked before we actively try), we can start trying now. Well, probably not now...we've discussed trying after we return from our solo vacation to Mexico in June. 

Lots of things in our life are up in the air, and nursing school is just one piece. I've still got to hear from PCC's program before we know for sure if I am going to nursing school or not. Alberto isn't sure about how he's going to go to school in the summer term (and that could have financial ramifications for us), my Mom is moving back to PDX soon, we're even throwing around the possibility of moving to another state. There's just so much to consider and weigh.

It's stressing me out not knowing where we're headed because being in this limbo period is something that is so difficult for me to handle. I am a planner by nature and not being able to plan for the future because I don't know what it holds is unsettling and puts me so far out of my comfort zone. But, all I can do it wait it out and get answers as they come. 

Wish me luck.