Don't Assume...

...that because I am smiling that I am not hurting.

...that because I appear to be "okay" on the outside, that I am not really a mess on the inside.

...that it's okay to ask me specific details about how I lost Jeslyn. Everything I want you to know is here, on my blog.

...that it's okay to ask me whether or not Alberto and I will try again for another baby - unless I bring it up first.

...that if/when I am pregnant again, I am over the loss of Jeslyn.

...that I don't want you to ever bring up Jeslyn; she's my daughter and I would love to share how much I love and miss her with you.

...that because I am grieving, that means you can't ever ask anything of me. If I love you, I am always willing and ready to help in any way that I can.

...that you can't tell me your problems or that your problems are minor in comparison to mine. Tell me your problems and I'll listen, because, we all have them and mine are no more important than yours.

...that I don't need your help. Sometimes, it's hard to ask for help. So, don't wait for me to ask...offer to help in whatever way you can.

...that Isla is a method for me to "get over" or "deal with" my loss of Jeslyn. They are two separate children and I love them both unconditionally.

...that it's okay to ask me "how are you doing?" It's safe to say you don't really want to know the answer to that question, because, it's not a simple answer. So, just don't ask the question. Instead, tell me what you're up to, how you're doing, and that you're here for me no matter what.

...that because I am grieving, that I can't have moments of joy or happiness.

...that grief is linear. It's not. I have good days and bad days, happy days and very sad, painful days. 

...that grief has a timeline - it doesn't. Grief is very personal and it's a journey that belongs to the griever and the griever only. 

...that you "understand" and "know what I am going through" because you've lost a loved one. Grief is grief, but, there is a difference between losing a friend, a parent (which I have), and a child. Unless you've lost a child, you don't know what I am going through and you don't understand. So, don't pretend to. Just be there for me.

...that I think you should understand what I am going through (my feelings, my emotions, my reasoning behind my behaviors). It's okay to say "I don't get it". I won't hold it against you. In fact, I welcome and appreciate your honesty. 

...that I will ever be who I was before I lost Jeslyn. I won't and can't ever be the same. 

Grief is a multifaceted, difficult, painstaking process. Like I said above...it's not linear and there is no time limit. It's often one step forward and two steps backwards for me, and, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. Some days I don't know which way is up, and, it's all I can do to get through the day. Other days, I am making blankets, taking Isla to play dates, going on 3+ mile runs, cooking dinner, and studying for school all within a 24 hour period. It's literally the luck of the draw these days people. I know that might sound exhausting and unpredictable...and, it is. It's both those things, and, there isn't a damn thing I can do about it right now. Except to roll with it, be present, and do the best I can on a daily...sometimes hourly basis. All I ask from you is that you love me no matter what. That you support me no matter what. That you give me the space to grieve in my own time and not disappear on me. Love and respect me enough to give me the space I might need, but, to come back to me with open arms when it's time. 

Maybe I don't do this enough, but, I want to take this time to say that I love each and every one of you that take the time to check on me, give your time to me, be patient with me, support me, and love me. Grief can sometimes make or break relationships, and, I have been lucky enough to not need to say goodbye to any friendships in my life because of my grief. So, THANK YOU ALL for being the amazing people that you are. Having you all in my life has certainly given me something to be thankful for often. 

I leave you with this...it about sums it up for me.

...thinking of you T and M <3