Call Me Maybe?

...or email me? Or whatever. Just accept me into the program, Clackamas. Seriously. I really want to stop checking my email every FIVE minutes. I want to stop checking the nursing applicant thread to see if someone else that is waitlisted for Clackamas got a call or an email. I REALLY don't want to wait until orientation on 6/4 to find out. So, while I try to keep calm - you just call and/or email me. ASAP. Thanks ;-)

Manic Monday

School, grocery shopping, working out, cooking dinner, playing with Isla...it was a manic Monday. Oh, and nothing...I heard nothing from Clackamas today about acceptance into their program ;-( I'm over this day, and, ready to sleep it off. 

Intel on Nursing Programs

The other day, one of my mom friends told me that she was in contact with one of her friends...who just happens to be a current first year nursing student at PCC (one of the colleges I applied to - I'm # 20 on their waitlist). They had a conversation, and, she felt compelled to message me on Facebook about it. In a nutshell, her friend said that # 20 on PCC's waitlist (or any waitlist, for that matter) is actually a pretty good thing. Apparently, PCC offered seats to waitlisted applicants all the way to # 41 last year, and, went ALL THE WAY THROUGH their waitlist the prior year. Although I don't want to get my hopes up...that is pretty encouraging. It at least gives me a sliver of hope, and I guess that's all you need to get in. At the end of our message exchanges on FB, M said that it was okay for me to contact her friend about any questions I might have - so I did. I sent her a message with my info (where I applied, where I was waitlisted, any specifics I know about the process with each program. etc.) and asked her a few questions about her program. Basically, I asked her to tell me the pros and cons about the program at PCC from her vantage point. Valuable information, because, should I get offered a spot at both PCC and CCC, I could potentially use this information to make a decision on which program to chose. I sent that message Thursday, and, today I finally heard back from her. Well, sort of. She didn't answer all the questions I asked because she's studying for a midterm she has tomorrow. But, what she did do is provide me the link to a thread on a website written by applicants to Portland area schools. I immediately opened the link on my browser and got to reading. I couldn't STOP reading it. There is SO MUCH information on there. People share everything...their point totals, past experience, where they applied, if they got accepted, waitlisted, what their number is if they were waitlisted. I mean...it's all there. It's almost like you go through the entire process (from turning in applications up through all the notifications) with these people! It's incredibly addicting, and, it's making me feel like I have a fighting chance. Like maybe, just maybe, I might actually get to go to nursing school this fall. Since reading this thread, I've come away with a few conclusions that I think are pretty important:

1. Although I wasn't sure I wanted to go to nursing school this fall (because I have been feeling like I need to give Isla a sibling...which, I still feel), I know now that I DO want to go to nursing school.

2. PCC has been my number 1 choice for a nursing program since day one. However, after going through the application process (essay at PCC and essay/interview at CCC), CCC grew on me and after reading this thread (and hearing some things from current students), CCC just might be my # 1 choice now.

3. The waitlist doesn't mean "accepted", but, it doesn't mean "denied" either - I do have a chance at this still.

4. This process is brutal, and, I am just at the beginning of it. I could literally be waiting for a call into the final weeks of the summer

5. Even though this process is extremely competitive, the applicants are supportive, caring, and compassionate.

6. Getting my pre-reqs done and potentially getting accepted is the easy part. Nursing school is going to be DIFFICULT and DAUNTING. 

7. I CAN and WILL do this


Clackamas' deadline to respond (either accepting or declining a seat) was Friday, 5/16. That means that I could potentially hear about getting accepted into the program off the waitlist TOMORROW. Fingers crossed that I hear something sooner rather than later. 

Ladies Night IN

Tonight I am supposed to go to my friend W's house to hang with her and my other good friend J. I have been looking forward to it all week...I haven't seen W since my ladies weekend in February. But, even though I have been excited to see the ladies, I am having a tough time getting myself in gear. 

I started the morning off pretty productive. Alberto took Isla to a birthday party (Happy Birthday K!) and I stayed behind. I knew that there would be tons of moms with infants and babies n what not there, so, I decided not to subject myself to that just yet. I'm not ready for that at this point, and, that's okay. Anyway, while they were away I started sealing the tile in our master bathroom (long story short - our builder ripped our master shower and a few rows of tile out and replaced it) and cleaning our downstairs hall bathroom. I wasn't done by the time Al and Isla returned from the birthday party, but, I kept working and eventually finished both tasks. It's almost like I used all the steam I had on getting those things done, because, when I was done I didn't want to do much of anything else. I couldn't even muster up the motivation to shower...and I was funky. 

It was approaching the hour when I needed to leave to make it to W's house on time, so, I sent a text to J saying I wasn't sure that I was going to make it. I told her that I didn't know what was wrong, but, I didn't have any "get up and go". Being the amazingly understanding and supportive friend that she is, she said she understood, but, that she was bringing a plate of sushi (and she hoped that made me smile). See? This is why I LOVE her so...she knows me. She knows how much I LOVE my sushi. I'd be lying if I said that her mention of sushi didn't entice me, hehe

At some point, Alberto went to the store and bought a few frozen pizzas...and red vines, specially for me. He knows the way to my heart <3 I ate almost the whole box of them and I guess that somehow gave me what I needed to get my engines in gear because after I ate them, I prepared veggies to go with Isla's pepperoni, served her dinner, and decided I was going to take a shower. And I did. I took a shower, got myself dressed, and decided I wasn't going to flake on my friends.

Heading out the door now to what I hope is a good night.

[UPDATE - 5/18: It was a good night. There was laughter, tears, lots of drinking, food, and good company. We talked so much, I didn't get home until 4am on Sunday morning! Love those ladies]

First Time In A Long Time

Tonight Alberto and I went on our first date night since February. February 15th, to be exact. I remember that night clear as day...like it was yesterday. 

We started our night at one of our favorite places in downtown PDX: Noble Rot. It was our first date night place downtown and we loved it so much the first time, we visit it often. This time, it was just for appetizers and drinks. They have the most delicious onion rings and both Al and I had a taste for them that night, so, we knew immediately we would stop there first. Since I was pregnant, I couldn't drink...but, boy did the delicious non-alcoholic beverage I indulged in do a great job of making me forget about not being able to drink an alcoholic beverage. It was a ginger limeade. No joke...it might be the most tasty drink I've EVER had. It was THAT good. I enjoyed the first one so much, I ordered another one. We had a great time sitting there chatting, eating, and just being merry. I can remember feeling so good that night - like my life was just amazing. We'd just saw our second baby for the first time, we were told that our baby was healthy and growing nicely, that I was healthy, and things were great overall. I think the reason I remember this date night so well and think so fondly of it is because this date happened in our "sweet spot". That point in time when we were over the moon happy and excited about my pregnancy and the eventual arrival of our second child. Everything was just perfect. Little did I know...right? Anyway, after drinks at Noble Rot we headed over to Urban Fondue in one of my favorite downtown neighborhoods. It's off Glisan and 21st street, I believe...where another one of our favorite restaurants (Blue Olive NW) is. The food was underwhelming there, but, all in all it was a great night. I enjoyed being out with my husband and spending quality, couple time - just the two...well, just the three of us.  

My ginger limeade is on the left...yyyyuuuuummm.

Urban Fondue fare

Flash back to tonight...

We decided to ease into date night again with a low key night at the movies. We'd bought a Groupon for this placed called Cinetopia. It came with two movie tickets and a drink credit. Nice, since we love our cocktails ;-) Alberto chose "The Neighbors". He thought it would be a good idea for us to see a funny movie - I agreed. After dropping Isla off at my friend M's house (thank you so much M!), we high tailed it to the theater and started our night off with a few cocktails and an appetizer in bar right next to the theater. Spinach artichoke dip...it was pretty tasty. I had a class of a cabernet sauvignon and Al had a few beers. It was nice. Just like the last time we'd had a date night. It felt good to be with my husband. To focus on he and I and try to have a good time. I made this a priority, because, I'd had a grief counseling session earlier in the day and Erin, my counselor, told me that I needed to try to create some good things/memories for myself. Tonight, she said, was a prime example. She said that I needed to just push everything else away for a few hours and focus myself and my energy on being happy and present in these moments with my husband. I'm glad she said that because sometimes, I can get lost in punishing myself and feeling guilty for being happy or having a good time because I lost my child. I too have to convince and remind myself (like I remind others) that just because I am breathing, laughing, smiling, or having a good time doesn't mean I forgot about my baby. It doesn't mean I miss her any less or that I love her any less. It just means that I am trying to honor her by living my life and being happy...because that is what she wants for me. To remember her, love her, think of her, miss her, and honor her - but to be happy, too. So I am trying to do that - every.single.day.

Our movie started at around 7:20p, and, we had just enough time to have a drink (or two for Al) and our appetizer and then make our way into the theater with time to spare. We ordered more drinks, an order of fish and chips, and then settled into the movie. It was pretty funny. You know...that dumb, frat humor kind of stuff. But, it was just what we needed. Just what I needed. A stupid, silly movie to get my mind off of everything else going on in my life. I laughed, smiled, and for a few hours, I felt like my life was okay again. 

So, yay for date nights. Looking forward to the next one...we'll get another one on the 31st of this month :-)

A Low Week

Ever since I found out about not getting into the nursing program at PCC, I've been felling pretty low, scared and discouraged. I have been working towards applying to nursing school for almost two years now (taking all my pre-req classes). Putting in so much time, work, and tears...and now, I have nothing to show for it. I didn't get into either of the programs that I applied to, even though I did all I could do in terms of getting the grades I needed to make myself competitive. I know I am on the waitlist for both programs, and that gives me a chance. Sort of leaving the door open. But, not knowing and just waiting around, hoping to get a phone call is so tough. It's just another thing that's in limbo for us and I can't stand all the unknowns. I'm a planner at heart, and not knowing what's going to happen in our lives in the near future just completely stresses me out. How can I plan for anything if I have no idea what's coming? 

What's more is...I just keep thinking in my head - if I were pregnant, I could use that as a means to distract me from all the uncertainty floating around in our life right now, because, I would have something to look forward to. Jeslyn to look forward to. A definitive, amazing moment that I could count on happening. I mean...who doesn't look forward to birthing their baby and meeting the newest love of their life for the first time? But, I don't even have that. I don't have Jeslyn - I don't have nursing school. 

Right now, it just feels like so many things are being taken from me. I know I have a lot - I have my wonderful husband and a beautiful living daughter to love. And I am thankful for both of them. Very thankful. But, that is not enough. I want Jeslyn and I want to go to school to learn to be a nurse and do what I know I am meant to do - help people and families in their time of need. 

So, yeah...I'm feeling pretty shitty this week. 

But, while I was working out in our yard today (trying to get our grass to grow) I found something. It was a fortune...probably from a fortune cookie. It said "Use your abilities at this time to stay focused on your goal. You will succeed". God works, doesn't he? I really needed to see that, because its so hard to stay focused sometimes. Especially in times like this...where it just seems like no matter what I do, my black cloud is always there - ready to rain on me. But, I am going to keep trying...to live, to be happy, to work towards my goal. For myself, for my family...and specifically, for Jeslyn. I know that one way I can honor her and her memory is to keep living. To keep striving to meet my goals and make her proud. So I will. Every.single.day. 

Unknown # 116

This is my enterotube. It was innoculated (that means I put bacteria into it) with my unknown bacterium...bacterium # 116. I've been working with this bacterium in my microbiology class, and, through different tests throughout the term, I've been trying to identify which bacterium I have. Today, I think I did it. With the enterotube. I interpreted my results, came up with a code, looked it up, and it gave me this: Serratia Marcescens. THIS IS MY BACTERIA! I know what it is. Pretty exciting, since I've been working on it all term and after looking at my prior test results and comparing them against the chart for this specific bacteria, they match up. I know, I know...I'm totally nerding out. But, so what. This stuff is cool :-)

Oh, and...I had an exam today and it sucked. I don't think I did well. Oh well :-/ On to the next. 

Didn't Get In

...to PCC's nursing program. FML. Seriously, FML. Two schools declined to admit me to their nursing program and now...what am I going to do? Well, I guess I'm going to move on to my contingency plans. I am going to take chemistry and statistics and prepare myself to apply to Linfield and OHSU's bachelors nursing programs for 2015. I am going to research different CNA programs and choose one to go to so I can get certified and get some experience. In other words, I am going to do whatever I can in the mean time to make myself a more qualified candidate and ensure that I'll get in to a nursing program next year. 

Oh, and, you know...work on making another baby. We've talked about that, and, both Alberto and I are on the same page with it. Although we're both still heavily affected by the loss of Jeslyn and we want nothing more than to bring her back and to have her here with us...the fact still remains: we long to add to our family. So, we will. Eventually. 

But, for now...I am just left feeling uneasy and scared. About our future and about where we're headed. Damn limbo - I know it all too well, and, I am sick and tired of it. Really. Crossing my fingers and hoping that somehow, I get a call from one of the programs I am waitlisted for and end up going to nursing school this fall.

Here's hoping...

Mother's Day 2014

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers...mothers of both living babies/child(ren) and angel babies. Those of us with angel babies carry a heavy heart today and every day. But, today...our hearts hurt just a little bit more than other days. For me, at least. 

I decided earlier in the week that I was going to do something today in honor of my baby girl Jeslyn. Since I've been working on my fitness and getting back to the healthy me again, I decided the best way to do that would be to run a race in her honor. How amazing it was to me when I got an email regarding the Run Like A Mother race being held in Hillsboro, Or...a town very close to us. I consulted Alberto to make sure I wasn't ruining any plans he had made and once he confirmed that I wasn't, I signed up. One of my TV ladies, D, was going to be running the race as well. So, I hooked up with her to let her know I'd be running it as well and she invited me to join her and the group of ladies from her mom's running club that were going to run the race as well. 

I woke up at 7am, got myself ready (I made a shirt last night with Jeslyn's name on it to wear), and headed to Hillsboro. It was early and it was chilly, but the sun was shining. It was going to be a gorgeous day to run a race. On the way to the race, I felt so emotional. I cried for my girl, because, I don't want to be missing her and grieving her loss. I want to be celebrating her and getting ready for her arrival. It feels so wrong to be trying to find ways to remember her by...and I hate that I have to run this race today to do that. I just want her here and with me. 

When I arrived, I stood in line to check in and get my race packet, and luckily I ran into Dawn. She got checked in and grabbed her race packet as well, and from that point on we were on the clock, waiting for the race to start. We met with the other ladies, talked, used the bathroom (gotta get it out before it's time to run) and took a few pictures to commemorate the occasion. As the start of the race got nearer, I got nervous. It's been a LONG time since I've run a race...almost 5 years. But, I was going to do it...for me, and for Jeslyn. For Isla, too...because although my heart is heavy and I am constantly thinking about my angel baby, I am also her mommy. And she is the baby who first made me a mom...something special, and, I love her endlessly for coming into my life and lighting it up on a daily basis.

About 8:40a, the race began. Boy...those first 10 minutes made me think "why did I do this again?" It takes my body a while to acclimate and get used to what I am doing, so, those first 10 minutes are pure agony. But, once I get my legs under me and they are warmed up, it's on...and it was. At a certain point (I was listening to music, of course - cause who runs without music?) I played Michael Jackson's "Bad", and it gave me the motivational lift I needed to hit my stride and start to really enjoy the run. I sang to myself, I pumped my fists...I was finally "in the zone". I was on a good pace, too, thanks to D. I hugged her closely on the course, staying 3 to 4 steps behind her for about the first half of the race. Once I hit my stride, I just went...and, next thing I knew I passed her and was comfortably cruising through the course. Before I knew it, I was coming up on the school again (where we started, approaching the finish) and I got excited because I knew Alberto and Isla would be there waiting for me. With that thought, I got a boost and started sort of sprinting....hustling towards the track and the finish line. Then, I saw them. I got the biggest smile on my face - I felt so happy to see their faces. I pointed at them and tried as best I could to speed up and finish strong. And I did finish strong...with my hands in the air, thinking about my girl. Once I crossed the finish line, I found Alberto (actually he probably found me - he sprinted to the finish line to take photos of me crossing it) and he walked up to me and hugged me tight. And then, I let it all out and I began to sob. Although I was happy that I'd finished the race, I was sad...I was hurt, and, my heart was bleeding for Jeslyn. I don't know when, but, at a certain point, Alberto let me go (probably to kiss me and look at me) and I fell to my knees and cried for her. I was just overcome with emotion, and, in that moment I felt her there with me. Isla asked me why I was crying, and I told her because I was happy and because I was sad. She saw her mommy crying and she was concerned. So at that point, I tucked Jeslyn in my heart, I pulled myself together, and tended to my child - like a mother would and should do. 

Once I was sure that Isla was okay, we decided to indulge in the brunch the race hosted. We ate oragnes, apples, and fruit snacks. Both Alberto and I stashed away animal crackers for later, too. We found a booth with fun balls for Isla to play with, we visited with D and the women I'd started the race with. And, out of no where D comes to me and tells me that I placed in the race. I thought, "WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY!". Not only did I place, but, would you believe it if I told you I also beat my personal record...BY 3 MINUTES and 24 SECONDS? The last time I ran a 5k, I finished in 32:36. Here I am, out of shape, working my way back to the healthy me, and I beat my PR...blow it out of the water, really. Apparently, I finished 3rd out of 18 people in my age group (24-29), and 54th out of 315 participants. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. They were going to give out awards for those that placed so we stayed for that and once I got my award, we made our way home. 

The rest of the day was pretty quiet...I called my mom, we took a family nap, we played outside for a while. And, Alberto made us my favorite for dinner - shrimp scampi with linguine. SO GOOD. Oh, and I ate about 1lb of gummy bears. Those were good, too. All in all it was an emotional and tough day for me. But, considering the circumstances, it was as perfect a Mother's Day as I could've had. 

Thank you Alberto and Isla...you make my world shine and my life worth living. I love you both to the ends of the earth <3

PS - here are a few photos from the race and from our day

My girl and me <3

3rd Place...and that ain't bad.

Two of my favorites...fresh flowers and gummy bears!

Isla's gift...I LOVE the butterfly painting <3

Such a delicious dinner...thanks for cooking babe!

An Early Mother's Day Gift...

A sapphire stone, since both my and Jeslyn's birthstone is a sapphire

It's hard to see it, but, that says our precious baby's name <3

I love it - it's the perfect way for me to have Jeslyn close to my heart, always <3 Alberto bought it from a company called My Forever Child. If you know someone who has lost a child and they are looking for a beautiful piece of jewelry to remember their angel baby by, please send them to: http://www.myforeverchild.com/ There is so much to choose from, and, I have no doubt that they will find something gorgeous to represent their precious baby. Below is a poem that came on a card with my necklace, and, I loved it so much and felt compelled to share it with you. 

My Forever Child

You are a Precious Child

Created out of love,

a blessing from above.

I've adored you from the start,

and your little footprints touched my heart.

A single teardrop represents the millions I have cried.

My life never the same since you died.

I wish you could have stayed longer with me,

I'd watch you grow into all you could be.

Although we are apart,

You are always in my heart.

I dream of a joyful time when

we will be reunited once again.

Thoughts of you make me smile.

You will always be My Forever Child

~Susan Mosquera, all rights reserved

Tearful Friday

Such a tough day today. A tough, heartbreaking day. 22 weeks...I would have been 22 weeks pregnant with Jeslyn today. Instead, I am 8 weeks post losing her. 8 whole weeks it's been since I went through the most tragic, horrific experience of my entire life. 8 weeks since I woke up with my sweet Jeslyn in my belly and went to sleep the same night with an empty belly and a shattered heart. Oh how I miss my girl. I miss having her growing inside my belly...anticipating her beginning to kick, looking forward to my pudgy tummy turning into a round, hard belly bump. But, here I am...living in the aftermath of it all. Trying to pick up the pieces after grief chewed me up and spit me out - raw and jagged. 

I felt it today - the age I've gained since 3/14/14. Not that I haven't felt it before, but, today it was acutely on my mind. I feel old. I feel haggard. I feel broken. Just trying to get through the day to day on days like today is tough. But, today I was accountable to someone else. I had planned to meet my study buddy, T, for a study session...so, that is what I did. I can't say that my mind was 100% on studying while we were working. But, I tried my best. I learned some things, and, I hope I helped T learn some things.

...and then it happened. While I was on a walk, I sent a text to my Mom about how I've felt about her presence in my life during this difficult time. During my grief journey. And, she called me back...we talked, and it was the worst conversation I've had with my mom - ever. In.my.life. Just terrible, and, I've got to be honest - some of the things my Mom said to me were unbelievable. Many of those things were on the list of the worst things you can say to a grieving mother. And I just couldn't believe it. You know, since my Mom has been through something very similar to me. My older sister, Gloria, was still born in 1983. I never knew her, but, I knew of her...from the few times my mother spoke about her. I somehow thought she would have a greater understanding of what I am going through and that she would be a cornerstone of my grief. Not true. Instead, she doesn't really get it...and I don't know why. All I know is that I think my relationship with my mother is forever changed. I love her still, yes, of course...she is my mother. But, I know now that my Mom isn't someone I can confide in about the grief I am experiencing since losing Jeslyn. I know now that I can't expect from her what I thought that I could. I know now that my grief is something I will share with those who understand me and what I am feeling and don't expect me to "get over it" or to not "wallow in my grief". I know that some of my Mom's reaction to letting her know my needs is relative to her own grief. She's dealt with many things in her life - losing her child, losing a brother, and losing her husband. So, I know that she's got some things to deal with in her life before she can play an active role in supporting me through my grief process. So, until there comes a time when she's able to see past her own grief and help me get through mine, I am out. I am done. And that's okay. I am lucky in that I have a supportive husband, I have many supportive friends, and I even have women who support me who have stood in my shoes and walked my path. And that will have to be enough. 

Anyway, yes...it is a tearful Friday today. For many a reason.

Pine Cones Aren't My Friend

Ugh...just my luck. So today when I was walking to my friend C's house to drop off Isla...well, let me re-phrase that. Today when I was rushing from my car to my friend C's door because it was raining and Isla didn't have a jacket with a hood (I guess I forget we live in PDX sometimes), I wasn't watching where I was going and I stepped on a pine cone. Yup, a pine cone...and I rolled my ankle. Luckily, I had my whits about me and was able to sat Isla down gently without dropping her or the things I was holding. But, I did quickly sort of drop to the ground and immediately grabbed my ankle to attempt to "rub it out", ha. I've rolled both my ankles several times over the years (I played volleyball in high school, so, I did it ALL the time), but, it's been quite a while since I last did it. I forgot what the pain feels like, and, it's not something that is pleasant. That's for sure. I wasn't in too much pain, so I could walk Isla into C's house, say hello, and drop her off. But, the kicker? The reason I was dropping Isla off was to go to the gym to meet my friend J for a workout class! Of course I roll my ankle the day I'm supposed to step foot in a gym and participate in a class. Just my luck. 

The good news? My ankle was strong enough to get me through the class. The bad news? I hated the class. It was an hour of something called belly, butt, and thighs. NOT my thing. It was a bunch of lunge type things, yoga/pilates stuff, and, generally things I am not motivated to do. I stayed for the duration of the class, since I was there with J and she was nice enough to invite me to come as her guest. But, it's not a class I would ever take again. I'm a cardio kinda gal...I like to run on a treadmill for a few miles, or, maybe even use the elliptical for 30-45 minutes. Once I'm done with my cardio, I love lifting. Free weights...you know, barbells and dumbbells. I love me some cable weights, too. I like the weighted machines as well. Basically, I like to do my own thing - run or do the elliptical on my own, and then strength train on my own. So, that's what I'm going to do. 

Even though I didn't like the class, it was nice to get to visit the gym because I'd planned on joining with another girlfriend in June. Although it doesn't have all the bells and whistles of a gym like 24 Hour Fitness, it has exactly what I need. Plus, it's really close to my house and it's only $9.99 (or maybe $9.95?) a month...with no contract. Can't beat that.

After the gym, J and I went back to her house and she made us juice. You know, homemade juice from her mack daddy juice extractor. It was SO GOOD. She made us a spicy pineapple juice (I think it had pineapple, jalapeno, cilantro, and maybe carrots?) and another fruity drink with strawberries, jalapeno, kiwi, basil, and maybe a few other things. I just loved it, and, it reaffirmed for me that I really, really want to try a juice cleanse. J and her husband have done it three times and they both lost between 9-20lbs over a 10 day period. I'll take that any day! Now, I just have to convince Alberto to let me buy the juicer J has...it's this one:

Isn't it beautiful? Well, it better be...it's $300+ dollars. BUT, I'd use it ALL the time, and, well..I want it. So, crossing my fingers that Alberto will let me get it in time to do a 10 day cleanse before we leave for our solo vacation to Mexico. Crossing my fingers!

Don't Assume...

...that because I am smiling that I am not hurting.

...that because I appear to be "okay" on the outside, that I am not really a mess on the inside.

...that it's okay to ask me specific details about how I lost Jeslyn. Everything I want you to know is here, on my blog.

...that it's okay to ask me whether or not Alberto and I will try again for another baby - unless I bring it up first.

...that if/when I am pregnant again, I am over the loss of Jeslyn.

...that I don't want you to ever bring up Jeslyn; she's my daughter and I would love to share how much I love and miss her with you.

...that because I am grieving, that means you can't ever ask anything of me. If I love you, I am always willing and ready to help in any way that I can.

...that you can't tell me your problems or that your problems are minor in comparison to mine. Tell me your problems and I'll listen, because, we all have them and mine are no more important than yours.

...that I don't need your help. Sometimes, it's hard to ask for help. So, don't wait for me to ask...offer to help in whatever way you can.

...that Isla is a method for me to "get over" or "deal with" my loss of Jeslyn. They are two separate children and I love them both unconditionally.

...that it's okay to ask me "how are you doing?" It's safe to say you don't really want to know the answer to that question, because, it's not a simple answer. So, just don't ask the question. Instead, tell me what you're up to, how you're doing, and that you're here for me no matter what.

...that because I am grieving, that I can't have moments of joy or happiness.

...that grief is linear. It's not. I have good days and bad days, happy days and very sad, painful days. 

...that grief has a timeline - it doesn't. Grief is very personal and it's a journey that belongs to the griever and the griever only. 

...that you "understand" and "know what I am going through" because you've lost a loved one. Grief is grief, but, there is a difference between losing a friend, a parent (which I have), and a child. Unless you've lost a child, you don't know what I am going through and you don't understand. So, don't pretend to. Just be there for me.

...that I think you should understand what I am going through (my feelings, my emotions, my reasoning behind my behaviors). It's okay to say "I don't get it". I won't hold it against you. In fact, I welcome and appreciate your honesty. 

...that I will ever be who I was before I lost Jeslyn. I won't and can't ever be the same. 

Grief is a multifaceted, difficult, painstaking process. Like I said above...it's not linear and there is no time limit. It's often one step forward and two steps backwards for me, and, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. Some days I don't know which way is up, and, it's all I can do to get through the day. Other days, I am making blankets, taking Isla to play dates, going on 3+ mile runs, cooking dinner, and studying for school all within a 24 hour period. It's literally the luck of the draw these days people. I know that might sound exhausting and unpredictable...and, it is. It's both those things, and, there isn't a damn thing I can do about it right now. Except to roll with it, be present, and do the best I can on a daily...sometimes hourly basis. All I ask from you is that you love me no matter what. That you support me no matter what. That you give me the space to grieve in my own time and not disappear on me. Love and respect me enough to give me the space I might need, but, to come back to me with open arms when it's time. 

Maybe I don't do this enough, but, I want to take this time to say that I love each and every one of you that take the time to check on me, give your time to me, be patient with me, support me, and love me. Grief can sometimes make or break relationships, and, I have been lucky enough to not need to say goodbye to any friendships in my life because of my grief. So, THANK YOU ALL for being the amazing people that you are. Having you all in my life has certainly given me something to be thankful for often. 

I leave you with this...it about sums it up for me.

...thinking of you T and M <3

Random Sweet Words and a Blanket

After swim class today, Isla and I went to JoAnn's fabric to buy fleece fabric for her knot blanket. Alberto and I have been complaining forever about the baby blankets we've been giving Isla at night. They're always bunched up in a pile either on the floor or in a corner of her bed - definitely not keeping her warm. So, I thought today would be the perfect day for us to go and pick out the perfect fabric for her new comfy blanket. It was pretty simple to pick the fabric...I thought it was going to be a nightmare since Isla is rather indecisive these days. You know the whole "I want that! No, I want that one. No, this one!" deal. Luckily, she was easy going today and we chose the cutest purple, pink, teal, and white colored owl fleece. We also chose a pink solid fleece for the opposite side of the blanket. They look so nice together. 

Once we got our fabric cut and paid for it, we headed out into the parking lot to make our way home for nap time. While we were getting loaded into the car, a woman parked near us started to walk towards our car (saw her outta the corner of my eye - I was strapping Isla into her carseat). I finished strapping Isla into her car seat and started to make my way to the trunk of my car to load our stroller, and the lady stopped me and said "I just wanted to tell you that you're a very patient mother and your daughter is going to grow up into a wonderful person". I told her thank you and went about my drive home. I thought about it the whole way home, and, let me just say...there's nothing like someone displaying a random act of kindness or dropping some random, sweet words on you, just because. I feel like it's the sincerest form of flattery...when someone is watching you without you knowing, and, the are compelled to approach you and tell you what am awesome job you're doing at whatever it is that you're doing. It felt so nice to have that woman tell me that I am patient with Isla, because, I've been working on it A LOT. I've not been super patient with her in the past, and, I've yelled at her more times than I care to remember. She's so darn smart though, so, sometimes I forget that she's only 3 and she doesn't always know how to express her frustration or voice her wants and/or needs. Apparently, making a conscious effort to work on my patience has paid off, and, I am just so glad for it. Isla deserves to have a patient, loving, and caring mama and I will do whatever it takes to make that a reality for her.

OK - now, on to my blanket. It took me longer than I thought it would to make it...almost 2 hours. But, I am super pleased with how it came out! I used the below super easy video to get a few quick tips and tricks, and, before I knew it, it was done and ready for Ms. Isla to cuddle with. I put it on Isla before she woke up from her nap and she was thrilled with it! She requested that I lay it on her floor and let her lay and play on it. So, I did. She was so adorable, heh I felt so proud that I'd made her a comfy, cozy blanket to use and she actually appreciated it. I washed it this afternoon (after she was done playing with it) and and now, Isla is currently asleep with it for the first time. Can't wait to see if it's still on her when she wakes up in the morning. 

Lastly, here are a few pictures of the blanket for your viewing pleasure:

Gotta make sure both pieces of fabric are the same size (and cut as necessary)

You cut a rectangle out of each corner and then cut 4 inch strips every 1.5 inches

The final product!

Isla waking up with her blanket after nap ;-)

Cuddling with her new blanket <3

Goodnight, sleep tight!

Cinco de Drinko?

It's Monday, so, that means I started my day off at school. I was sort of apprehensive to go to my lab today because last Wednesday, I took my first practical exam. I didn't feel great about it - but, I knew I did okay. But, you know me...okay is never good enough. When my professor handed my answer sheet back, I immediately got nervous because I saw purple writing ALL over it. It was everywhere, so, I automatically thought it was filled with corrections and that I likely did worse than I thought I did. It was going to be a busy day in lab today, as we had 10 different medias to inoculate (that means I had to spread my unknown bacterium in 10 different kinds of tubes - filled with different kinds of broths) and I wanted to make sure to do my best. So, I decided to wait until I was done inoculating everything before I looked at my practical. Surprisingly, I did well...I scored 91.5/100. There was a half a point taken off for a question that included a drawing that didn't ask us to label it (the points were deducted because I didn't label my drawing), so, I'll get the half a point for that and end up with a 92/100. Not my best outing on a practical, but I'll take it. Unfortunately, the positive feelings I had regarding my practical were short lived - as soon as I got into the lecture portion of my class, I had to take a quiz that I probably got a 6/10 on. FML. But, as I've done all term (and I'll continue to do it), I won't be hard on myself. I am doing the best I can right now, and, that's all I can ask of myself.

Moving on...

Today is also Cinco De Mayo, aka "a reason to drink" day to most people I know. As I've mentioned before, I have had a hard time pouring myself a drink. I really don't know why...or maybe I do? I somehow feel like pouring myself a drink is connected to my feelings of guilt regarding Jeslyn's T18 diagnosis. Even though I know that the drinking I did early in my pregnancy (like before I knew I was pregnant) doesn't have anything to do with why Jeslyn's cells did not divide properly and because they didn't divide properly is why she had T18. Nevertheless, I still think about it and there is still a connection for me. What's weird though (to me, anyway), I can drink a drink...I just can't pour it. It's almost like I can pass the blame on to someone else if something bad were to happen because they poured me the drink. I know that sounds dumb...but, I really don't know how to explain it. Alberto has been really accommodating with me about this, and, has poured me a drink whenever I have asked him to. Although, there have been times when he's gotten frustrated with me and told me he wasn't going to do it forever. Anyway, the other day (maybe it was yesterday), I poured a drink for Alberto...but couldn't pour one for myself. Baby steps, I guess?

I told myself this afternoon that I needed to pour a drink for myself and for Alberto today, because, it is OK for me to pour myself a drink. It is okay for me to enjoy having a cocktail, because, the truth is...I am not pregnant anymore and I am not harming anyone or anything by indulging in a cocktail (depending on the way you look at having a casual drink). I honestly think that is it. It's like pouring a drink for myself was another thing that proves to me that Jeslyn is gone. I mean, I know she is gone...and it hurts like hell. I HATE the fact that she's gone and that I have to admit that to myself over and over again through different things happening to me (like my period coming). I try to hold on to whatever I can to prove that she was here, I guess...and not pouring myself a drink is one of those things. But, like I said - I told myself it was time tonight and I did it...I poured myself and Alberto a glass of wine, consciously doing it. Thinking about doing it and then choosing to do it. Alberto was proud of me and I am proud of myself. Another step...further away from Jeslyn, but, closer to healing and learning how to live with my loss. 

***

Isla has been asking for me to make this soup...I think it's her favorite. It's a Lemon Chicken Orzo soup and it's darn tasty. She eats an entire bowl of it, and, even downs the broth after shes eaten all the veggies, chicken, and pasta out of her bowl. I love this soup because it's like a complete meal. It has so much nutrition in it, and, even better, my kid loves it. There's nothing better than making a meal that my kid begs for and then actually eats. Oh, and it's something Alberto and I can eat and enjoy. It really doesn't get any better than that. Interested in making it? Here's the link to the recipe. I change a few things...I use spinach instead of celery, I only use the zest and juice of one lemon and I add about 10-11 cups of chicken broth (or I use 8 cups chicken broth and two cups water with a little chicken bouillon in there). If you make it, let me know how it turns out and if you love it as much as we do.

http://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/lemon-chicken-orzo-soup/

PS - here are a couple photos of my babe enjoying her dinner ;-)

The final product

Large spoonfuls, and, she eats every bit of it

Down the hatch!

How Do I Answer That?

Today Alberto, Isla and I attended Isla's best friend's third birthday party. Isla was so excited to go because we'd been talking about it for a few weeks now. Here's her holding up the invitation when she got it in the mail...

The doc is in!

We arrived just in time to say our hellos to the birthday girl and all her guests before being whisked away into the gym to have some gymnastics fun. Isla knows this particular gym very well, as she takes gymnastics classes every Saturday at 11:15a there. In fact, this was her second time in the gym today, since it is a Saturday. Once the party leader lead us into the gym and showed us where to start the fun, the kids (and the adults) had a blast. They got to play in both the foam pits in the gym, jump/bounce on the many trampolines, jump/bounce in the bounce castle that was blown up specially for S's party...there was even a HUGE three person swing that the kids got to swing around in. Hell, I even did a cartwheel/round off. By all accounts, it was a fun birthday party (there weren't any babies in attendance - not sure if it was by design or it just ended up that way). And then it happened. Alberto and I were talking with one of the little guests parents - a dad. It was small talk, mostly...how do you know the birthday girl's parents, do you bring Isla to gymnastics here, where'd you come up with her name, yadda yadda. Then he asked, "do you just have the one kid?" In the moment I answered, "Yes, just Isla". But, the moment the words came out of my mouth, my heart sank and it burned something fierce. Did I really just say that? But, also...did he just ask me that? And, HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION?!?!?! How does any parent with an angel baby, a dead child, answer that question when some asks? 

I'm sure he wanted me to ask the reciprocal question to the question he asked me, which is: "how many kids do you have?". I didn't - I didn't want to know. Or, I didn't need to know because I already know. I knew his wife had just had a baby fairly recently. So, actually, I didn't need to ask. I didn't need to hear him tell me what I already know. After that, we were both distracted with our kids and the conversation was over, thank goodness. Although,  it wasn't over for me...I would play it over and over again in my head for the rest of the afternoon and into this evening.

Even now, as I write this post it bothers me. What I said bothers me; it hurts. I don't have one child - I have TWO. I have one living child, yes. But, I have two children, both of whom I love to the ends of the earth and beyond. So, I am left to ponder...how do I answer this question when it comes up again, because, it no doubt will. I want to tell the truth. I want to say: "I have two children - Isla, and Jeslyn - my angel baby in heaven". Maybe I will just answer that way? Saying only that and no more. No elaboration, or explanation. Just "I have two children - Isla, and Jeslyn - my angel baby in heaven". I think about her all the time and despite the fact that she isn't physically on this earth, she is my daughter. Forever and always, and I want to honor her whenever I have the chance. Speaking her name and telling people about her is another way to do that, in my eyes. 

So, despite the situation...despite whether the circumstances aren't such that I should talk of such things - I will. I will never again answer that I have one child...because I don't. I HAVE TWO CHILDREN. Two. And I will wear my mom badge for them both, proudly. 

What A Terrible Idea

So...don't tell your husband that instead of hiring a lawn maintenance company, you'll do all the yard work. Because, then you get stuck doing this...

The aerator 

I had to get it down ALL these steps...to where you very faintly see Alberto standing...

After all those steps, I'd finally made it to the back lawn. 

Yes - I aerated BOTH of our lawns today. The front and back lawns. The front wasn't really an issue. It's flat and it's easily accessible. The machine is so powerful and you've got to have some finesse with it, making sure not to let it pull you along. I finished it rather quickly. The backyard lawn, however, is not easily accessible. I had to get this 200lb machine down the steps in our backyard to get to the lawn, and then get it BACK UP to the front yard all my myself. So hard, so heavy, and SO STUPID. It took me a long time to get that damn thing back up to the front yard. Not before I took a break to get some fuel in me though. I literally ran out of gas trying to get that thing back up and had to stop and get some food in my belly to make it happen. I was so relieved when I did though. I told Alberto when I did get it back up and he said "OK Mrs Independent". You bet your ass I am Mrs Independent! ha Although, I did need help from neighbors to get the aerator out of and back into my car.

The moral of the story is: don't try to aerate your lawn by yourself. Make your husband help you.

I am EXHAUSTED. FML.

I thought I nailed it...

Image credit: http://www.no-dice.net/

I guess I didn't. I got an email from Clackamas CC today about their nursing program. I didn't get in. I was placed on the alternates list. I got the email while I was at a play date with my friend D and his boys P and C. I immediately got hiccups the second I saw it in my Inbox. Because, well, whenever I get nervous I get the hiccups. I sent Alberto a text telling him that I'd gotten an email from them and told him I couldn't open. He asked me what I was going to do...I told him I'd wait until I got home to open it. Miraculously. I did wait until I got home. Isla and I greeted Alberto and then he mentioned the email. He was outside getting our grill in order because I'd marinated some carne asada and cut up some bell peppers to grill. His car was parked in our garage and he leaded on it (back to the car), gesturing for me to lean on him. He held me (my back to his chest) while I opened the email and we both read it at the same time. Alberto said to me "well, it's what you thought, right?". He'd said that because when I walked up to him to say hello I said I didn't think I got in. Initially I was disappointed...because, no one wants to be rejected. Right? Not being picked for something you worked hard for sucks. It just sucks. But, I wasn't crushed...I wasn't devastated. Not like I thought I'd be. Why, you ask?

So...I've been thinking a lot lately about having another baby. I'm sure you're thinking "But...you're still grieving the loss of Jeslyn. She hasn't even been gone 2 months yet". Trust me, I know exactly what you're thinking. I, too, have thought the same thing. In fact, I feel guilty for having thought about having another baby already. Because, I miss my Jeslyn so. I want nothing more than to have her safe in my belly, growing, thriving, and getting ready for her September arrival. But, you and I both know that is not going to happen...no matter how hard I wish and want for it to. I can only hold her in my mind and in my heart now, and, that makes me incredibly sad and it hurts fiercely, because my heart breaks for her every single day. 

Still, Alberto and I feel so strongly about adding to our family. If you know Isla, you know that she LOVES babies. Well, she loves other children - period. She thrives on communication and play with her peers and we want so badly to give her a sibling to love on, to play with, to grow with. She wants it too and has been very vocal about it. Just this week when we were at swim class (on Tuesday), we sat on the pool deck while we waited for our class to start, and Isla intently watched the class finishing up in the pool. Why? Because it was a class of babies and their grownups. She smiled so sweetly, grinning at the little ones kicking and splashing in the pool. She confided in me that she wanted a baby of her own. So, you see...putting aside my want and need to care for another newborn, Isla - my sweet girl, is longing for a baby of her very own. Specifically, a brother (she's told us several times that she wants a brother). 

How does all this tie into learning I didn't get into Clackamas' nursing program? Well, not going to nursing school this fall sort of opens up our calendar to begin trying for another baby whenever we feel it's right. There is no window to work in (to try and conceive so I would have the baby in the summer) and no pressure regarding being pregnant while in nursing school. It means I would be able to look for a job in the health care field, since I have no professional experience, and add that to my application for next year. It means if I am healthy and there is no scarred tissue or anything that might cause a problem with a pregnancy (I plan on scheduling an appointment to talk to my OB and get these things checked before we actively try), we can start trying now. Well, probably not now...we've discussed trying after we return from our solo vacation to Mexico in June. 

Lots of things in our life are up in the air, and nursing school is just one piece. I've still got to hear from PCC's program before we know for sure if I am going to nursing school or not. Alberto isn't sure about how he's going to go to school in the summer term (and that could have financial ramifications for us), my Mom is moving back to PDX soon, we're even throwing around the possibility of moving to another state. There's just so much to consider and weigh.

It's stressing me out not knowing where we're headed because being in this limbo period is something that is so difficult for me to handle. I am a planner by nature and not being able to plan for the future because I don't know what it holds is unsettling and puts me so far out of my comfort zone. But, all I can do it wait it out and get answers as they come. 

Wish me luck.