Mom Is Coming to Town

This morning I received a call from the clinic that Pat referred us to for the termination procedure. After some talk and discussion, it was decided that the procedure would take place this Friday, 3/14. I am to report to the clinic at 8:45am.

Moving on (because that's all I can say about that right now)...

It's swim class day. Isla LOVES her swim class, and, we always go on Tuesday mornings at 10:30a. She has come such a long way as a swimmer, and, although she’s not quite swimming on her own yet, she’s well on her way. In her first swim session last winter and spring, she was so afraid to go underwater. She looked like a fish out of water (pun intended) and oh so scared. It was a struggle to get her to voluntarily submerge herself…which, I guess, means she didn’t voluntarily submerge herself. You kinda had to force her. But, that is the Isla of old, cause, now my girl relishes the chance to get to go underwater. She even jumps into the pool now. That is a BIG thing for her. She’s working on her kicks, her alligator arms, and learning to blow bubbles and hold her breath purposefully underwater. She is quite good at back floats, too. It’s a quick half hour class, so, once we were all done we came home for lunch. We were running late today, so, I decided to keep Isla awake until we left for the airport at around 2p…cause, my mom is coming to town.

My mom was the first person we told I was pregnant. The first thing she said was “what about nursing school?” That was kind of weird. But, when we explained that the baby would be here before I started school, she warmed up to the idea of me being pregnant. She was happy for us, just concerned…like any mother would be when their daughter is working on reaching her career goals and you all of a sudden find out she is knocked up. You’ll recall (if you read this post), that she was last here in January. We flew her up when we needed her to come and spend some time with Isla while we went to Seattle for the JT concert (guess who’s on the tv right now as I write this? Yup, Justin Timberlake himself in the movie “Friends with Benefits”), and now we are flying her out again to help out with Isla for the next week.

Isla fell asleep in the car, just as I thought she would, and we arrived to the airport about half an hour before we really needed to be there. So, instead of paying to park, I decided to park next to a tree in the Target parking lot nearby and let Isla sleep. While I sat there, quietly checking my email, I started to feel very emotional and I couldn’t hold it in…I just let it come out. I sobbed, as quietly as I could, so I didn’t wake up Isla. But, nevertheless, I cried. So many thoughts ran through my head. How can this be real? How can my baby have Trisomy 18? How is that possible? Why is this happening? How am I going to do this? I can’t do this.

It was nice that my Mom had arrived and I was happy to see her. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about how in just a matter of 3 days, the unthinkable would happen. I would no longer be pregnant, and, I will have went through with a procedure that took my child’s life. How the f*ck am I supposed to live with that for the rest of my life when it is morally against what I believe in? I am literally dying inside, trying to reconcile this horrific turn of events in my head, all the while, trying to keep it together and appear to be “okay”. As if she was in my head and knew exactly what I needed, my mom just talked…about things going on in California. About family. About things that had nothing to do with why she was here. It was just what I needed.

I had been texting with one of my friends, AM, and, she had asked if I wanted to get together. Her daughter S and my Isla are besties. They’ve known each other and played together since they were just under a year old. Boy was Isla excited when I told her that we were going to the park and AM and S were going to join us. When they showed up, Isla was so excited to see S. Their little embrace was adorable. They did the swings together, they walked along a retaining wall together, they did the slides together, they played in the grass together. It was so nice to see them playing, smiling, and just innocently happy. It brought me back to a different time – when things were easier and I wasn’t facing something so life changing, so devastating, so incredibly unfair.

After the park, we went out to dinner at a place called BJ Willy’s. Initially, when AM asked if we wanted to go, I just didn’t want to. I didn’t say this because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But, I was tired of pretending to be okay and really just wanted to go home. But, I sucked it up because the girls were having a great time and my Mom really wanted to go out. So, we did and it was just fine. The food was fine, the conversation was fine, By all accounts, everything was good. I was just preoccupied by thoughts of my daughter and what would transpire. I held it together, but, only by a thread. After dinner, we went to S's favorite (and our go to for frozen yogurt), Menchies. Everyone except my Mom and I had fro-yo. AM so graciously treated us, and everyone was pleased with their after dinner treat. I just didn’t feel in the mood for it though…shocker. We said our goodbyes and headed home.

I can’t remember why at this point, but, I remember after saying goodnight to my mom and retiring to our room, completely falling apart. Uncontrollably sobbing. Alberto, as he has continued to do, supported me, listened to me, held me, loved me. He did all the things a wonderful husband would do. He also shared his thoughts, fears, and emotions with me too. Thank God for him; I would not be able to do anything without his love and support. That, I am sure of.