A Productive Day

Today felt like a very productive day for me. This is what I did:

*Woke myself up and got dressed for the day

*Woke my daughter up and dressed her for the day + got her off to school

*Made myself a lunch for school today – yup, for school (more on this in another post)

*Sat in an hour and twenty minute intro to microbiology lab and was able to keep myself from drifting away into sadness and depression

*Had a 45 minute conversation with someone who I met in my lab. She’s a very nice girl (she’s 21…makes me feel old) and she’s likely going to be one of my study buddies this term

*Sat in an hour and fifty minute intro to microbiology lecture and stayed focused and present

*Grocery shopped for the next few days (we’ll leave for California on Thursday morning)

*Sprayed our planter bed with Moss Off to prep it for tilling and planting (can’t wait to get those gerber daisies planted)

*Renewed our OMSI membership

*Watched one of my favorite shows, “Scandal”

*Picked up Isla from school; played with her for about an hour

*Cooked dinner and had it ready for Isla to eat just after 6pm (she DEVOURED it)

*Wrote a retro blog entry while Isla ate her dinner

*Bathed Isla and got her to bed

I did ALL of this today. Did I think about Jeslyn and miss her today? Absolutely. But, today I didn’t let missing her, my feelings about the decision we made, my grief, or the many things that have been running around in my head and coloring my emotions and interactions as of late stop me from being productive. I kept myself busy all day today, and, that worked for me. But, as I sit here and type this…I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, I can feel the sadness sinking in, I can feel the guilt bubbling up in my chest. It’s quiet, I’m alone…and I am not busy. Is this what my life is going to be like? Every time I am alone and not running around like a chicken with its head cut off I am going to be consumed with sadness, anger, guilt and grief? Will time heal my wounds and make me “normal” again? Or, is this my "new normal"?

I guess only time will tell, but, I have a hunch that time doesn’t really heal wounds and all it really does is put space between you and a life event and force you to figure out how to live with the grief, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, and the bevy of emotions you felt at the start.