A Slither of Happiness, a Flood of Sadness

The day started out like most Tuesdays and Thursdays. Isla and I affectionately call these days “Mommy and Isla days”. I wake Isla at 7:30a for breakfast, we eat breakfast in our bonus room while she watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Jake and the Neverland Pirates (her new fave). I know, I know…tv. But, I think she actually learns some things from these shows. I swear she learned the sound a sheep makes from Mickey Mouse. Anyway, Isla and I played for hours in our bonus room and in our downstairs great room. We played with her legos, we drew pictures on her chalkboard easel, we played inside her circus tent, we read books. We did a lot. Then I made her lunch and she ate well. This girl can put down some food when he’s eating something she enjoys. You should see her when she eats cereal…the mounds of cereal she gets on her spoon and fits in her mouth are incredible. After her lunch, we played for another half an hour, because, at about 1p is when it’s nap time.

Not long after I put Isla down for a nap, I started on getting myself something to eat for lunch. Luckily, all I was doing was re-heating a meal that one of the amazing moms from the moms group I’m apart of (shout out to my TV ladies) brought for us to eat. While I was in the process of doing this, I heard a sound come from my phone, so, I looked at it and saw one of those banner notifications from my gmail account at PCC go across the screen. I thought I saw the heading of the email say “PCC Nursing Program”. I immediately got hiccups, because, for as long as I can remember, whenever I get nervous, I get the hiccups. Weird, huh? I continued to finish making my lunch because there was no way that I was going to open that email yet. I’m one of those people that needs time to calm down, breathe and prepare myself for a possible disappointment before I look at test results, open an important email, or make a difficult phone call. By the time I sat down with my lunch, I couldn’t eat it because I was so nervous. I knew what I had to do…I needed to call Alberto. He has this way of calming me down and reassuring me that everything is going to be okay, no matter what. So, I called him and he answered, of course. He did what he always does and talked me down and assured me that no matter what happens, he loves me, believes in me, and is proud of me. Because I felt close to him (as close as I was going to get at this point in time, anyway), I decided to open the email while I had him on the phone. So, I opened it…and, 

I WAS CHOSEN TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ROUND OF APPLICANTS for the nursing program!!!! 

Holy sh*t. This is a big deal, because, I’ve been working towards this very moment for 6 terms. I’ve been working my ass off studying like a mad women and getting A’s. STRAIGHT A’s…but, make no mistake; I didn’t get those A’s without an overwhelming amount of blood, sweat and tears. Some days and weeks were pure agony, and, I am just so proud of myself for coming out on the other side having met my academic goals. That was a feat all its own. Making it to the next round of the application process at PCC is another feat all its own because 800-1,000 people apply to this program every.single.year. That means I was chosen to sit for the proctored essay (that’s what’s next – then based on points combined from the application and the essay, they pick the 100 applicants with the highest score to get into the program) from an average of 900 people. How crazy is that? I have absolutely no experience in health care and I somehow made it to the next round of applicants at the premier AASN (associates of applied science in nursing) program in my area. I’m going to say it again…HOLY SH*T! And thank goodness, because, right now I could not take another bit of bad news, another heartbreak, another reason to be upset and sad. 

I go in to do the proctored essay 4/15 and right now, I’m not nervous. I’ve always been a pretty good writer, or, so I’ve been told. But, I am sure I’ll be nervous when the day comes because I’m that kind of person, too. I always worry and stress and get nervous over important things. I am human, afterall.

After congratulations from Alberto and from my mom and sister (I called my Mom next), the momentary happiness went away, and I was back under my black cloud. I decided to watch one of my all time favorites: Sex and the City. Whenever I am feeling alone or down in the dumps, Sex and the City always gives me a break from what I am feeling because I adore Carrie Bradshaw and her three besties. They can make me laugh, giggle, and feel a little like myself again…if only for half an hour. Per episode, that is. But, I can never just watch one – kind of like that Lays saying (bet you can’t eat just one). Or, is it Pringles? I don’t know, but, you get the idea.

I don’t know when it happened, but, at some point in the afternoon a light switch was flipped and I just felt sad. Overwhelmingly sad. Alberto noticed and asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn’t know. I just knew that I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness. I mean, obviously it has something to do with Jeslyn. 

[Wait...yes, that is our Angel Baby's name: Jeslyn. I don't exactly remember when we came to an agreeement that this is what we would call our dear daughter. But, that is her name and it means "blessed".]

But, nothing happened specifically that triggered it. I was just in a haze and I honestly didn’t know why. Because Al suggested it earlier in the day, we decided to go and have frozen yogurt after dinner to “celebrate” my getting chosen to move on to the next round of the application process at PCC. So, as discussed, we packed ourselves up and headed to Menchies – our spot for frozen yogurt. I just didn’t feel in a celebratory mood, but, whatever…we were there, so we were going to have the frozen yogurt. Isla was delighted, and, it’s always nice to see her happy. We finished up pretty quickly and headed back home because Isla’s 8p bedtime was quickly approaching. While on the way home, that sadness just came bubbling to the surface, but, I just started crying in the car. I always try to keep it together in front of Isla, so, I pulled it together before we made it home. But, as soon as she was down, the waterworks started. I just couldn’t stop crying. We were supposed to watch “The Wolf of Wall Street” (it was on pause, as a matter of fact), but, I just couldn’t stop crying. I started thinking about why I was crying (Alberto was doing all these things…going to the bathroom, getting his work clothes ready for the next day so I was alone lying in bed), and, I think it was for a number of reasons related to Jeslyn. But, one thing in particular was getting to me: did God take away my baby because he’s going to give me nursing school? Would he do that? Would he make me choose one over the other? Because, if I had to choose, nursing school WOULD NOT BE MY CHOICE!!!!!! I would choose Jeslyn a trillion times over!!!!!! F*ck nursing school!!!! There’s always nursing school. But, Jeslyn…I only got one shot at her, and, she’s gone. She’s gone. Why couldn’t I have both? I could’ve done it. I could’ve done nursing school AND have my child here with me. Really, God…I could have done both. I would have done both, gladly. But, now…I don’t have a choice. And, nursing school isn’t even guaranteed yet.

Yup, this was definitely why I was crying, because, how can I feel happy and celebrate about reaching this step and moving closer to my goal in becoming a nurse when I feel like God took my baby away so that I could reach this goal? I know I am not supposed to question Him, and, I know that His will is His will. But, man…I just want my daughter. I JUST WANT MY DAUGHTER, DAMN IT!!!!! I just want her back in my belly, safe, and healthy. I want to feel her kicking (I never got a chance to feel that), I want to gain the weight, be uncomfortable, have constipation. I want to experience all the milestones of pregnancy, and, try to deliver my baby via a VBAC and prove to myself that I can do it. I want my baby back and all the things that come with growing her little life inside of me.

Instead of that, I have this…this grieving, this heartbreak, this profound sadness and hurt. Oh, and the possibility of going to nursing school. I should be grateful for that…for having the possibility of going to nursing school, and, I guess I am. No, I am, under all that I am dealing with and going through; I am. But, it just doesn’t feel good right now because my baby, my dear daughter, is dead…and so are all the plans that I’ve made in my head for her and our family with her in it.

At some point, I stopped crying and we eventually watched “The Wolf of Wall Street” - it was good. But, that wasn’t a surprise to me…Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio are like the Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen of cinema. They’ve not made a bad movie yet, in my humble opinion. This movie was no exception. And for what, like three hours, I was whisked away into the crazy life and times of Jordan Belfort. Good gawd. What it must’ve been like to be him and be in his world. I’ll never know what a life like that is like, but, I do know that Leo was fabulous in this movie and it gave me a few hours of relief from my damned black cloud. So thank you Leo…your acting never ceases to amaze me.