Back to Work

Today, Alberto went back to work. I knew it would be difficult, because, I wasn’t ready for him to not be by my side yet. Alberto has been with me, every step of the way since this all started happening…exactly a month ago, today.

Wow. I’m just going to take a step back and say…wow. I can’t believe we’ve been going through this turmoil, through this purgatory, through this crazy nightmare for a month. It was exactly a month ago today that I got the call from Pat (genetic counselor) about my blood work and what it meant…or could mean for our child. I HATE that day, and, I’ll forever hate that day. F*ck February 19^th. F*ck it.

So…to make matters worse, I have a damn dentist appointment today. I’ve always liked the dentist. Seriously. I’ve never been one of those people who despise the dentist. I like my teeth and I like getting them checked on to make sure they stay nice and to make sure my smile stays nice, too. But, today was NOT the day. I honestly feel like I’ve had enough poking and prodding lately. The last thing I felt like doing today was having a dentist poking around in my mouth, shooting me up with novocain, and using all kinds of instruments I don’t like the sound of, doing things to my teeth. But, I went and I suffered through it. My dentist is actually a really nice man. He’s gentle, he’s attentive, and he’s good at what he does. It’s just…sitting in one place like that, not moving, and listening to my inner thoughts for two straight hours is not really what I need on this day. 

When it was over I was glad; I paid for my services, walked to my car, got in it…and I bawled. I don’t know why, but, I suspect that it was because I just miss feeling "normal". I miss having a growing baby in my belly. I miss having milestones to look forward to. I miss knowing that in about 7 months, we were going to have a little addition to our family. I miss being excited about the holidays and about seeing Isla being a big sister. This is my new "normal", and it down right blows. It's heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and absolutely unfair.

Eventually, I pulled it together long enough to start driving, and I decided I needed to make myself useful. So, I got some things done…I got a certified copy of our marriage license, bought some manila envelopes, drove to the post office, bought stamps, mailed off our passport renewals and a thank you note to a friend, and then I headed to Lowes. There I bought stuff we need to revamp our yard: moss killer and seed, an edger, and a few garden tools.

Then, it was time to go home and be with my thoughts again…damn it. 

However, shortly after I got home, Alberto came home. Just to be with me, because, he knew I wasn’t ready to be alone. So we laid together. He held me, we slept, and it was nice. I love this man. I really, really do. Sometimes…I really don’t know how I would ever live if I didn’t have him. He is the ying to my yang, he is my lighthouse in a bay of fog, he is my love…my forever, through thick and thin, ride or die love. I love you Alberto.