Today was a busy day. We started with strawberry picking @ Sauvie Island Farms and after Isla's nap, we decided to take her to the splash pad at Progress Ridge. Here she is having a blast...and being super sassy, hehe
We were having a good time watching Isla play in the water and play with other kids. But, then...all of a sudden, the splash pad became a magnet for pregnant women and/or women with small infants. It was overwhelming. There was literally no where that I could look and NOT see a pregnant women or a women holding an infant. I really tried so hard to focus all my attention on Isla, to be happy, and to somehow be "immune" to my surroundings. But, as people kept filing into the splash pad area, it's as if that black cloud of mine came swooping in and just took all of the air out of my sails. Slowly but surely, the air in my lungs was squeezed out, and I felt like I was sinking...sort of closing in on myself. Alberto could see that I was retreating and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was thinking about my baby, and he immediately knew that I was having a hard time. He put his arm around me and tried as best he could to lift my spirits. But, the damage was done and I was beyond recovering. Something happened...something specific, but, it's now escaped my mind. Or, maybe it wasn't something specific? Maybe I was just DONE. Done with seeing the pregnant bellies and the babies and I just couldn't take it anymore. Whatever it was, I told Alberto "I want to go home" and right away he picked up our things, grabbed Isla, and we walked towards our car. Thank goodness I had her towel...because, I couldn't help it. I just started sobbing...uncontrollably, into the towel. It didn't stop, either. Not until we were about 3/4 of the way home and I knew I was going to have to see Isla when we all got out of the car.
What's crazy to me is...we'd had a good day. A perfect day. And then, out of nowhere...BAM! My grief hit me and it hit me hard. I'm always grieving the loss of Jeslyn and my heart is always sad and I am always hurting. But, I guess I've been learning in small increments to deal with it on a daily basis. Even so, things like today prove to me that no matter whats going on in my life, how good things are, how busy I am, how good I get at managing my grief...my loss is ever present and it is real. There really is no "getting over" losing Jeslyn, no matter what anyone may think and no matter what anyone may say. My baby girl means the world to me, despite the fact that I never got to hold her, despite the fact that she never walked a day on this earth, despite the fact that I didn't get to do all the things a mother does with her child. Losing her hurts no less than having lost a child that was born into the world and died post birth. So, just like any mother that has lost her child...I get the privilege and the honor to love her and miss her, all the same. I say all this because days like today are both a blessing and a curse: a blessing, because I am blessed with love and the few memories I have of my Jeslyn. Cursed, because I will forever hurt and my heart will forever bleed for my heavenly angel Jeslyn.
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