A Second Brief Encounter

So, I've mentioned Brief Encounters before in a past post. It's a great place (the website) to go for resources about pregnancy and infant loss. But, it's also a safe and judgement free place to go and meet with other women and men who are apart of the pregnancy and infant loss community. They have meetings for parents of infant and pregnancy loss (including early pregnancy losses), meetings for parents of pregnancy interruption due to medical reasons (this is the group I go to), meetings for parents of subsequent pregnancies and/or parents that are trying to conceive, and they even have a group for parents who struggle with fertility and are trying to adopt. In addition to the meetings, there is also a support line that you can call if you need to talk...(503) 699-8006. I feel so lucky to have such a great resource available to me, and, I am grateful to both our genetic counselor Pat and our grief counselor Erin for sharing it with us. 

Tonight was my second meeting...I missed the meeting in May because I couldn't get a sitter for Isla. Luckily though, the moderator, Megan, remembered who I was. Not immediately, but, when she looked at Jeslyn's name on the sign in sheet it jogged her memory. That made me smile. When she realized who I was, she was so excited to see me again. She asked how I was doing, and I told her I've been doing better than I was doing the last time we met...and that I'd been making some strides in my grief journey since then. I also told her how Alberto and I just got back from a week vacation in Mexico. She said that it was interesting to get to see me again further along in my grief journey because I look like a completely different person. Apparently, I don't look like death anymore! ha No, seriously though...she'd said that when we last met things were still so very new and my emotions, thoughts, and feelings were so raw. Rightly so, because when I met her at the first meeting I was only 6 weeks post losing Jeslyn. When you're in it and you're going through it, every moment of every day, it's tough to see the change, you know? I mean...I know that I've been slowly but surely finding ways to deal with and process my grief (this blog being one of those ways), but, to know from an outsiders perspective that the healing that I've been working so hard on is actually making a difference really helps. It gives me the encouragement I know I sometimes need to keep working towards that time when I will regain back most (not all) of my "former self", learn be "okay" in social settings that currently make me cringe, learn to effectively deal with the emotions I have when I come into contact with those land mines I've been referring to, and overall, learn to live with the grief I'll forever feel. 

We talked about many things in group tonight...we all shared some of our story (which I wont recount here...it's important to keep the stories of the people who share in group private), we talked about things that are currently difficult for us, we talked about the baby loss community in general (and how it' helped us process our grief), as well as how those around us (family, friends, co-workers) have hindered or helped us on our journey. There were many things I could relate to...but there were some things I couldn't relate to as well. And that's OK. Sometimes it's helpful to hear someone else's perspective or their feelings on something they went through that I didn't go through. It just goes to show that grief has no gender, no color, no specific way that it affects any one person...it's multifaceted, every evolving, and non-discriminating. I take comfort in this, because, it gives me the freedom to grieve in my own way and not feel judgement for the things that I do, the feelings and thoughts that I have, as well as how long it may take me to get to that place that I mentioned above.

My take home message from group tonight was this: grief comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. I need to be patient with myself and not allow other people's expectations of where I should be on my grief journey color my own thoughts about it. The best thing I can do is to be kind and gentle to myself, and allow myself to do whatever I need to do to get through the day. 

I struggle with giving myself the time and the space to grieve in my own way. A lot of the reason why is because I sometimes feel like I am punishing those around me when I do take the time I need to be away from people and things, or I decline to do certain things (i.e. kids birthday parties or group playdates) in order to protect myself from those damn land mines that blow me to pieces, or I feel like I am disappointing someone because I'm not living up to their expectations. But, honestly...to hell with worrying about others and how they feel about how I am handling my grief. This grief is MINE and MINE alone. Only I can decide how to deal with it. So, with that in mind...I have to do whatever I need to do to make it bearable for ME. Everyone else will have to deal with their own shit (and please do deal with it on your own - you're an adult and you're responsible for your own feelings, thoughts, and emotions). 

I came cross the below in my newsfeed on Facebook, and, I feel like it's the perfect way to end this post. So, for all my baby loss mamas/daddies out there (whether I know about your loss or not)...this is for you <3