Dreams

I had quite the dream last night. It was unsettling, upsetting, and just awful.

The night before I was texting back and forth with my friend MMT (might sound familiar...I've mentioned her before). She is so kind and understanding...amazing, really. I won't go into details about why she is a fellow baby loss mama, but, I will say that she is expecting her first rainbow baby and I am so happy for her. She let me know as soon as we began talking almost 3 months ago that she was expecting (so considerate of her). I was so grateful to her for not judging me about needing to hold off on meeting her because it was (and still is) difficult for me to be around pregnant women. But, I mean...who was I kidding? Of course she would understand - OF COURSE. She has been through this grief, continues to go through it, and is bravely working through it while also working on creating another tiny human. One of the things she wanted to talk to me about was attending a different Brief Encounters support group...different from the one I've been attending. It's usually a bigger group and is open to all types of infant and pregnancy loss - not specifically termination due to medical reasons. I'm not going to lie...I've thought about going before. But, I never looked into when the meeting was because I thought that I was supposed to go to the meeting specifically for my type of loss. MMT explained that that is not the case - I can attend both meetings if I so choose. However, she was very clear to say that although I may meet more women this way, and, I may be able to bond with some of them and create some relationships with mamas who know what I am going through (that obviously being a very positive thing, I think)...there may also be women there who don't understand why I (Alberto and I, really) made the choice I did and could potentially not be outwardly supportive about it. She also mentioned that the women may not outwardly share about their stories specifically and that the group dynamic and makeup can change from meeting to meeting. When she mentioned that, I said that it wouldn't be a problem because I totally can see why people may not understand why we chose to terminate Jeslyn's pregnancy, and, hell...sometimes, I don't understand why I made the decision and went through with it. Sometimes, I question and judge myself...and to this day, the decision we made doesn't sit right with me. But, I try so hard to continue to tell myself that the decision Alberto and I made was made out of LOVE...for Jeslyn and for Isla. It was not made lightly, and, there were many words spoken and tears shed in relation to it. We, in my humble opinion, made the "ultimate parental sacrifice"...we chose to end our daughter's life and shield her from any suffering she may have been enduring then and any she may have had to endure in the future. We chose to put the burden of the choice and the aftermath of that choice on us. We live with the burden so that Jeslyn didn't have to have the burden of hurting or suffering. Some people may call it selfish - I call it SELFLESS. Why? Because I didn't think of myself and the suffering, the pain, the anguish, the hurt, and the grief I would have to endure in making the ultimate parental sacrifice that I made. I only took into account my girls. 

After talking with MMT about the above and more, I went to bed. Apparently, my brain needed to play out the conversation I had with MMT in my dream, because, my dream was basically a recurring scene of someone who I know (who just announced her third pregnancy) denouncing me and calling me a "babykiller" because I chose to terminate Jeslyn's pregnancy. No matter where I was, she showed up with her son and proceeded to harass me and tell me how terrible my choice was and how she could never do that to her baby. She even went so far as to give her son some sort of pamphlet to give me...you know, pro-life propaganda. I was just so hurt, upset, sad, and distraught in my dream. It was like my heart was being ripped out of my chest over and over again. I couldn't get away from her, either! No matter what I did, she showed up and found a new way to tell me how incredibly selfish I am and how wrong I was for doing what I did. When I woke up...I was broken. Absolutely broken, and, I felt gutted. Upset. It was awful, how I felt, and, I don't ever want to feel that again. I have no idea if the person who was in my dream would ever think this...or if she'd have the audacity to come to me with her thoughts. But, for her sake and for mine - I hope my dream was just that...a dream.

Seriously though - mind, STOP. DO NOT, I repeated DO NOT allow me to have such a dream EVER, EVER again.

Sincerely,

Sensitive, grieving mother of two <3

PS - all those things people say about dreams? You know, "follow your dreams", "dreams do come true", "dreams reveal purpose"...FUCK THOSE THINGS. In this case, anyway. 

Noah's Quest 2014

I found out about Noah's Quest at Brief Encounters (something I talk about a lot!), and as soon as I found out about it I knew it was something I wanted me and my family to participate in. Noah's Quest is a charity event that raises money for Brief Encounters (the non-profit organization that puts on the event) as well as other causes that are similar and/or helpful for those who have lost a child. It consists of a dove release, a 1k walk/run for kids, a 5k walk/run for kids and adults, and a 10k run for adults. There's also face painting, a kids zone (a play ground as well as a bounce house) and an informational booth with info on different resources for pregnancy/baby loss. This year was the 9th annual event, and the event itself is inspired by Carol and Cary, parents of Noah, who was born still on September 28th, 2005. When they created the event, they used it as an outlet for their grief and as a way to keep the memory of their son live. It's become much more than that though - it's a place for parents, friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, and anyone who has been touched by the loss of a child to honor and remember their loved one(s) life as well as share their grief and their story with other families experiencing something similar.

I'd been watching the weather in Sandy (where the event was held) all week, because today is the day I will run my first ever 10k. I've never run a race in rain, so, that was kind of worrisome to me. But, no matter...I was going to run the race, no matter what. Today's event started at 8:45a with a dove release which was very peaceful and sort of set the tone for the event. Following the dove release was the 1k walk/run for the kids. It was so cute to see the kids run their race. They were so excited and some of them were even competitive! Some of the littler kiddos rain with their parents and that was cute to see too. 

After the kids finished their race, we begun staging for the 10k race. For some reason...I wasn't nervous. I was very calm and ready. Maybe because I felt Jeslyn with me <3 Before I knew it, the race started and we were off. After the straight away came the first AND second hills. I was not happy, hehe Hills are my arch nemesis and I usually walk them. But, today I was running a race, and I had it in my head that I wanted to run the whole 6.2 miles. So, I ran those hills...or trotted up them, I should say. I wasn't running at the pace I wanted to going up those hills, but, I at least put one foot in front of the other and pushed onward. I thought several times about why I was running...to keep myself from quitting. I reminded myself over and over that I was running for Jeslyn. Running to remember her and to honor her. After I made it up the hills, the course was pretty flat for a while...until it was time to head into the forest. So, up another hill I went until I descended into the forest. It was beautiful - and muddy! But, it was fun to get to run through the trees and have a little cover from the light mist that was falling on me. I enjoyed running while I was in the forest, it felt serene. It felt like I had been transported to another place and I was alone and one with the world. Just me and my thought about my girl...until I ran up on yet another hill. I managed to trot up it and then down the other side, and, I thought I was home free with the hills at that point. But, nope! There was yet another pretty steep hill on the ascension out of the forest. The runner ahead of me stopped running and walked up the hill...I should've followed suit (to conserve a little energy). Instead, stubborn me decided I needed to trot up it. So, I did. But I was TIRED afterwards, that's for sure. I was happy to make it out of that forest and it turned out that that would be the last hill on the course. THANK GOODNESS! It was pretty smooth sailing after that point and since the course was a 5k that you run twice, I knew I would be coming up on the start line at some point and I would get to see Alberto and Isla and all the other wonderful families cheering us all on. I was so excited because seeing their faces would motivate me to keep going. Sure enough, I came up on Alberto and Isla at the straight away to the start line and they cheered me on and gave me the boost I needed to start the second leg of the race. I knew that as soon as I finished the straight away though, that I would have to run those two hills again. Dang it! ha As much as I wanted to run the whole race...when I got about a quarter of the way up the first hill, I had to walk. Disappointing, but, I needed the break...not just because I was tired, but, I could feel blisters starting to form on my feet. When I got to the top of that hill (maybe they weren't hills...just inclines? hehe) and turned the corner, I started running again. But, I ran up on the second hill/incline and again began walking. This is where the turning point came for me. From this point on, running was painful for me and it became a fight against my feet for the duration of the race. I walked/ran the rest of the race, grunting and wincing from the pain most of the way. At some point before I descended into the forest again, I stopped to tie my shoes tighter, hoping that would help with the rubbing. No such luck. On I went though, pushing through the pain as best I could. Pulling on thoughts of finishing for my girl for motivation. Although that helped to keep me going, I couldn't wait to get out of that forest! I knew I didn't have to fight anymore hills once I was out of it, and that I only had about 1.5-2 miles to go. On this last portion of my run, I passed lots of families/groups walking the 5k and they were so nice to cheer me on and give me more motivation to finish. With each step though, I felt the burning sensation from the blisters, and I couldn't get to the finish line fast enough! Finally, I was on the home stretch and Alberto and Isla were in my sights. I tried to pick up the pace and finish strong. I did, somewhat, heh. But, it didn't really matter, because...I WAS DONE! 1:03.33. Not the fastest, but, I completed the race and that was an accomplishment on it's own. I DID IT!!! For my baby. For my husband, for my Isla...and for myself. As soon as I could, I took my shoes off and there they were. Blood/pus blisters. OUCH! I didn't bring flip flops (wtf was I thinking?), so, I walked around barefoot the rest of the time. 

While we waited for all the walkers/runners to finish, I lit a candle for Jeslyn in the tent with the memorial candles. It always feels good to light a candle and watch the flame burn in remembrance of my girl <3 We also took pictures and I ran around and played with Isla (she all of a sudden wanted to be a runner like mama - so incredibly cute!) too. After everyone was done with the race, Pat Schwiebert talked about what this event means and she read off some really awesome magnets. My favorite? "Warning: grief zone ahead". She is so inspirational, and I enjoyed listening to her words. While she was speaking, it began to rain rather hard...and, I couldn't help but think it was all of our babies crying on us. Letting us know that they felt loved, honored, and remembered. With the rain, Pat and Carol decided it was time to unveil the memorial walkway. Carol and some of the kids in attendance picked up the rocks and the blanket that was covering the walkway and then they walked across it, revealing the walkway for everyone to see. It was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. I laid eyes on Jeslyn's brick immediately. My heart swelled with pride and joy and I was happy. So happy and so proud to have a brick there for my baby among all the other amazing angel babies' bricks. We took a few pictures as a family and a few pictures with Jeslyn's brick. We also talked to a few mamas (so lovely to see you MMT!) and tried to find bricks for mamas who couldn't make it out. After about a half an hour, Isla began to get restless, so, we decided it was time to make our way home. 

It was such a lovely event, and, I am so grateful to have been apart of it. I feel like I am part of a bigger cause...and that is to bring awareness far and wide about baby loss, and, to honor the life of my baby and the lives of all the other sweet angel babies in the process.


Here are a few photos from today :-)

Pat Schwiebert of Brief Encounters speaking before the dove release

My loves before the race

Ready to run for Jeslyn <3

My ugly runner face...my feet were killing me!

Almost finished!

With my Isla after I finished.

Jeslyn's brick <3

Showing big sister her little sister's brick.

Me with my girl and Jeslyn's brick <3

Family <3

A little blurry, but this is part of the course in the forest.

Jeslyn's memorial candle (bottom center)

15 Weeks

...that's how long it's been. It's been 15 weeks since I lost my baby. I can't believe that it's been that long since that horrific day, and, my Jeslyn has been gone now longer than she was alive.

I'm feeling it today. I feel the weight of losing my baby and the weight of facing life without her in a fierce way.

I miss you, Jeslyn. Mommy misses you so much.

...and I love you. More than any words in a sentence can ever say. 

I wish, with every fiber in my being that you were still here with me...

safe in my tummy, growing, thriving, and...living. 

Although you rest safely in the heavens above, know that you will

always live on in spirit. In my heart and in my memory. You will

forever be my baby girl and I will forever be your mommy.

A Second Brief Encounter

So, I've mentioned Brief Encounters before in a past post. It's a great place (the website) to go for resources about pregnancy and infant loss. But, it's also a safe and judgement free place to go and meet with other women and men who are apart of the pregnancy and infant loss community. They have meetings for parents of infant and pregnancy loss (including early pregnancy losses), meetings for parents of pregnancy interruption due to medical reasons (this is the group I go to), meetings for parents of subsequent pregnancies and/or parents that are trying to conceive, and they even have a group for parents who struggle with fertility and are trying to adopt. In addition to the meetings, there is also a support line that you can call if you need to talk...(503) 699-8006. I feel so lucky to have such a great resource available to me, and, I am grateful to both our genetic counselor Pat and our grief counselor Erin for sharing it with us. 

Tonight was my second meeting...I missed the meeting in May because I couldn't get a sitter for Isla. Luckily though, the moderator, Megan, remembered who I was. Not immediately, but, when she looked at Jeslyn's name on the sign in sheet it jogged her memory. That made me smile. When she realized who I was, she was so excited to see me again. She asked how I was doing, and I told her I've been doing better than I was doing the last time we met...and that I'd been making some strides in my grief journey since then. I also told her how Alberto and I just got back from a week vacation in Mexico. She said that it was interesting to get to see me again further along in my grief journey because I look like a completely different person. Apparently, I don't look like death anymore! ha No, seriously though...she'd said that when we last met things were still so very new and my emotions, thoughts, and feelings were so raw. Rightly so, because when I met her at the first meeting I was only 6 weeks post losing Jeslyn. When you're in it and you're going through it, every moment of every day, it's tough to see the change, you know? I mean...I know that I've been slowly but surely finding ways to deal with and process my grief (this blog being one of those ways), but, to know from an outsiders perspective that the healing that I've been working so hard on is actually making a difference really helps. It gives me the encouragement I know I sometimes need to keep working towards that time when I will regain back most (not all) of my "former self", learn be "okay" in social settings that currently make me cringe, learn to effectively deal with the emotions I have when I come into contact with those land mines I've been referring to, and overall, learn to live with the grief I'll forever feel. 

We talked about many things in group tonight...we all shared some of our story (which I wont recount here...it's important to keep the stories of the people who share in group private), we talked about things that are currently difficult for us, we talked about the baby loss community in general (and how it' helped us process our grief), as well as how those around us (family, friends, co-workers) have hindered or helped us on our journey. There were many things I could relate to...but there were some things I couldn't relate to as well. And that's OK. Sometimes it's helpful to hear someone else's perspective or their feelings on something they went through that I didn't go through. It just goes to show that grief has no gender, no color, no specific way that it affects any one person...it's multifaceted, every evolving, and non-discriminating. I take comfort in this, because, it gives me the freedom to grieve in my own way and not feel judgement for the things that I do, the feelings and thoughts that I have, as well as how long it may take me to get to that place that I mentioned above.

My take home message from group tonight was this: grief comes in many shapes, sizes, and forms. I need to be patient with myself and not allow other people's expectations of where I should be on my grief journey color my own thoughts about it. The best thing I can do is to be kind and gentle to myself, and allow myself to do whatever I need to do to get through the day. 

I struggle with giving myself the time and the space to grieve in my own way. A lot of the reason why is because I sometimes feel like I am punishing those around me when I do take the time I need to be away from people and things, or I decline to do certain things (i.e. kids birthday parties or group playdates) in order to protect myself from those damn land mines that blow me to pieces, or I feel like I am disappointing someone because I'm not living up to their expectations. But, honestly...to hell with worrying about others and how they feel about how I am handling my grief. This grief is MINE and MINE alone. Only I can decide how to deal with it. So, with that in mind...I have to do whatever I need to do to make it bearable for ME. Everyone else will have to deal with their own shit (and please do deal with it on your own - you're an adult and you're responsible for your own feelings, thoughts, and emotions). 

I came cross the below in my newsfeed on Facebook, and, I feel like it's the perfect way to end this post. So, for all my baby loss mamas/daddies out there (whether I know about your loss or not)...this is for you <3

Mexican Getaway

***I'm officially caught up! This is the first post in "real-time"...so, from now on, I won't be including the date of the post in the body of my post. 

Well...what can I say? It was an amazing week. And we needed it - so bad. 

While we were going through the very difficult weeks of getting the initial news regarding my blood work being "concerning", having the ultrasound and CVS, getting the results of the CVS, and eventually losing Jeslyn...I decided that if we were going to lose our baby, we needed to GET AWAY. Somewhere, anywhere, somehow...we needed to take a vacation. Luckily, Alberto was all too happy to oblige my request and we sent an email to our wonderful travel extraordinaire Barbara (check her out if you're ever in need of a full service travel agent - she's fabulous) to help us pull something together. A few days after we lost Jeslyn, we finalized our travel plans, settling on Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. The resort we chose, Secrets Vallarta Bay, was actually the same resort we were going to vacation at when we'd planned to get away in March of last year. We ended up cancelling that trip because I quit my job and we decided to be financially responsible adults (you know, use our vacation money to help float our boat in the absence of the income we'd lost due to me quitting). Kinda ironic that we took a vacation this year and I still am not working...but, whatever. Right? We needed it and I am so glad that we did it. 

We left in the wee hours of the morning on 6/14 (1:20a, to be exact) and arrived in Puerto Vallarta around 1:45p local time (they are 2 hours ahead of us here in PDX). It was a gorgeous day and we couldn't have been happier to be in paradise. We were greeted with welcome champagne and chilled, lemon scented towels. VIP ALL the way, hehe After our quick check-in, we went up to our room and, just as I expected it to be, it was gorgeous. The king sized bed was beautiful and comfy, the bathroom was modern and had those fun bowl basins that sit on top of the granite countertops for sinks, there was a huge jetted soaker tub, and a dream shower...outfitted with a rain forest shower head and separate multi-setting detachable shower head. Not to mention (well...I'm going to mention it, hehe) a nice, deep shower bench. And the view? Just lovely. We could see the entire resort from our balcony...and the ocean was in full view - plus, it was close enough to hear it with the sliding glass doors shut. Magnificent, really. The whole thing was just...perfect. Naturally, the first thing we did was go down to one of the restaurants for lunch. We choose Oceana, because it was poolside and we could see the ocean from our table. The fish tacos and the shrimp fajitas we had were delicious. We had our first drinks in Mexico at lunch, too! We toasted to the wonderful week ahead of us. And that it was...absolutely, positively, wonderful. 

I won't bore you with a detailed recount of everything we did - or brag about it, I should say. But, I will say that this trip was exactly what we needed, and, it's the happiest I've been in a LONG time. We did tons of relaxing...we lounged in the pool and on our pool side lounge chairs. We drank all day and ate some amazing meals. We read a lot, met some awesome people and chatted and hung out with them all week. I even played beach volleyball and it was a blast! We took a few excursions, too. On Monday we visited the most beautiful beach I've ever seen @ Las Calates...we snorkeled there, too. On Wednesday we swam with the dolphins...that was an unforgettable experience that we would recommend for children and adults alike. On Friday, we went back to Las Calates in the evening for a candlelit dinner and a show called Rhythms of the Night - it was so much fun! We even got to take in a World Cup game between Mexico and Brasil...that was exciting and kind of disappointing, too. You know, since Brasil tied with Mexico. The weather was perfect for 90% of the week. There was a pretty crazy storm with intense rain/thunder/lighting...but, it was in the evening and we got to sit in the indoor/outdoor lobby and listen to/see it all! There was one really loud thunder clap - it was so loud that I screamed and the live band stopped playing their music. But, we were all safe and after that, the storm let up. Miraculously, there wasn't a cloud in sight when we woke up the next morning!

All in all, it was the perfect trip, and, I wouldn't change a thing about it...not even coming back home. I missed my Isla SO much, and, I was grateful to get to hug her and see her little beautiful face again ;-) It'll be a long while until we get to do another solo trip like that again, so, until then...I will relish the memories we made and look forward to new and different adventures.

Here are a few highlights from our week away!

The resort...this was the adults only, Secrets side

This is the adults/children Now Amber side...we could enjoy this part of the resort,too

Our first selfie ;-)

First drinks @ lunch!

Our first sunset <3

The beach @ Las Calates...just breathtaking

Nothing better than lounging in a chair with a book and a mimosa

Swimming with Nemo the dolphin!

My favorite dinner @ Capers...beef filet was delicious ;-)

This is what I did most of the week...it suited me well.

Me and my love...we had a great time!

Leaving On A Jet Plane!

*** June 14th, 2014

Alberto and I are headed to Puerto Vallarta today...for an entire week, ALL ALONE. I can't believe we're going on a vacation without Isla - OMG! But, I know she's going to be in good hands with my Mom while we're gone. I came up with this bright idea to give her a gift every day that we're gone. So, she'll have something to look forward to every day. She's going to get Bucky (Jake's ship - yeah, the pirate), a new interactive laptop, the Jolly Roger (yup - Cpt Hook's ship), roller skates, hula hoops and new sidewalk chalk, a creative ice cream Lego Duplo set, new sand toys and a couple new watering cans, and a Buzz Lightyear figurine! I asked my mom to take photos of each day, so, I'm excited to get to see her face when she opens up all the toys. I also came up with a schedule for my Mom and Isla as well. I planned something for them to do mostly everyday (my Mom will get some alone time while she's at school from 8-3p Mon/Wed/Fri). They'll go to the park (a different one each time) a couple times, they'll go to Jenni and Tommy's Kids Unplugged (an indoor play place), they'll go to gymnastics, they'l go do a fun craft @ Lakeshore Learning, and they'll also go to one of the local splash pads, too. Since I'm so "type-A", having a plan for them helps to ease my anxiety about leaving her for 8 days and 7 nights. Plus, it makes it easier for my Mom...she doesn't have to plan anything! 

Crossing my fingers that all goes well and that my Mom doesn't want to kill Isla by day 2! hehe

Obviously, I won't be posting while we're away. But, much like I did with our California trip, I will do a recap and post some photos from our trip when we return. 

Until then...ciao! Wait - that's Italian. Despedida! Apparently, that's "goodbye" in Spanish. I had no idea! 

Sssshhhhhh!!! It's A Secret.

*** June 12th, 2014

Since Alberto doesn't read this blog, I can post allllllllllllll about his Father's Day gift(s)! I knew, kind of right away, what I was going to get for him. He bought me this wonderful necklace to remember Jeslyn by for Mother's Day. So, I felt like I wanted to get him something special to remember Jeslyn by for Father's Day. I knew I couldn't get him jewelry...it's just not practical for him. Out of nowhere, the idea came to me: I'll get him a custom engraved letter opener! It's a perfect gift for him because he loves to open the mail and it'll make it easier for him. Plus, he'll get to see Jeslyn's name every time he uses it. I honestly don't think I could have come up with a more practical gift to memorialize our sweet girl. So, I ordered it for him from Things Remembered. 

Now that I had a gift for him from me, I felt like I needed to get a gift for him from Isla. Something different, something we haven't done before. A friend of mine mentioned going to a paint/ceramic studio to make a gift for her husband, and I liked the idea. But, I didn't know what we'd make for Alberto since he doesn't really drink coffee. My friend mentioned they have all kinds of different things (beer mugs, plates, picture frames, etc.), so I thought I'd give it a try. What the hell, right? So, today Isla and I went to Color Me Mine and we made daddy a great mug! He can drink beer in it...he can drink water or juice in it, too. It's the perfect sized cup! 

Below are a few photos of our studio time and of the custom letter opener I bought for Alberto ;-)

I'M GOING TO NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*** June 11th, 2014

The title of this post is pretty self explanatory, but, just for fun I am going to say it again...

I AM GOING TO NURSING SCHOOL!!!!

I cannot believe it. Seriously, I absolutely cannot BELIEVE it!!! 

I went for a run around 10:45am this morning and came back around 11:45a. When I ran up to my front door, the door was locked. So, I decided I would sit on the porch and check my email (from my cell) while I cooled down. Next thing I knew, I saw an email from Allied Health Admissions and I immediately got excited! I opened it up and saw that it said "Dear Jennifer, Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you admission to the 2014-2015 Associate of Applied Science Nursing Program"!!!!! I could not hold in my excitement, so, I started screaming and running around my front yard. I was screaming "YES!!!", "I DID IT!!!", "OMG!!!", "WWWHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWHHHHOOOOO!!!" I guess my Mom heard me, because she opened the door and said me what was wrong and I told her nothing was wrong, because, I AM GOING TO NURSING SCHOOL!!!! hehe She was very excited and proud of me, and, she told me she knew I would get in. The very next thing I did was call Alberto and tell him. He basically said I told you so, hehe He has always believed in me and has 100% maintained that I would get in...and, he was right! Next I called my bestie J and then my study buddy/friend T. I sent out many texts to everyone who means anything to me and to anyone and everyone who knew that I was waiting to hear about getting into nursing school. 

It still feels unreal. Like it was a mistake or something. But, as far as I know it's not...I sent my letter of intent in (you can see it below) and CCC confirmed they got it. So, I guess I am officially a student nurse at Clackamas Community College come fall 2014!!!

Final Exam

***June 9th, 2014

You know when you take a test and it could go either one of two ways: a. you aced it or b. you totally failed it? Well, that's exactly how I feel my microbiology final exam went today. I was so stressed out leading up this test. Why, you ask? Well...I knew it was going to be 100 questions, plus some short answer essays. SERIOUSLY?!?? I had no idea how in the hell I was going to even finish the exam, let alone do well on it. However, I did get some good news on Friday regarding the essay portion being extra credit. But, still...100 questions in 1 hour and 50 minutes? That's a feat for me, because I am a slow test taker. I also have test taking anxiety, so, that doesn't bode well for me either. To make matters worse, I ended up talking a lot about Jeslyn to my classmate (who is also going through losing a baby). Its never a bad thing to talk about Jeslyn...especially to another baby loss mama. But, I got super emotional, cried, and generally couldn't concentrate on studying. No fault of my classmate - but, you know, not the greatest thing to have happen when you're trying to study for an exam.

Anyway, it's over now and I did the best I can do. I'm sure I likely didn't ace it, and, probably didn't do well enough to get an A in the course either. And, that's OK because getting an A was never my goal. With everything that's been going on in my life, I just wanted to at least get a B. I think I did well enough to do that (I only needed a 69% on the final to maintain my current B), so, that's a win for me. What I do know is...it's officially SUMMERTIME FOR ME!!!! Even better, Alberto and I leave for Mexico (a solo vacation...can you believe it?) in 5 days!!

The second I walked out of class and dropped the load of stress that has been on my shoulders, this song popped into my head ;-) 

She's bbbbbbbbbaaaaaccccccckkkkkkkk!!!!

***June 7th, 2014

My Mom is back - for GOOD this time! I am so thankful that she's here. Even though we were recently at odds with one another, and, she's said some things to me that I'll never forgive her for...she's my Mom and I love her. More importantly, she's going to spend time with Isla. I've wanted Isla to have a close relationship with her Granny since before she was born. I want her to call my Mom when she's older...to send her emails, text messages, take her out to lunch. I want her to look up to my Mom and to value the relationship she has with her. So, having her here, living with us (for the foreseeable future) warms my heart. I know it'll be a transition - for us all. But, I sincerely think it's for the best for us all. Not to mention...should I get into nursing school --- FINGERS CROSSED --- she will be doing us a big favor looking after Isla while I am away at class and clinicals. 

So..... Welcome back, Mom!

CCC Orientation

*** June 4th, 2014

Ugh...isn't it amazing when you know something, and, you just know it beyond a shadow of a doubt? Well...that's the feeling that I got when I left the orientation at Clackamas Community College today. Seriously...I knew, 100%, I needed to be a part of the 2016 CCC Nursing Cohort. 

OK - so, maybe I should back up just a bit. At this point, I am still on the waitlist. So, there has been no change on that front. But, after having attended the orientation today, an even bigger fire in my heart at been lit for CCC's program. For whatever reason, I have been fighting the feeling I had about wanting to go to CCC after the interview I took part in (during the application process) because it was so great. Maybe it was because my allegiance has always been to PCC? I guess I have that feeling because I've taken all my pre-reqs at PCC, I know the campus, and it's close to my home. Not to mention my study buddy T is going to PCC (she got accepted already - congrats T!) and she really wants to go to school with me. 

But, truth be told...being in that room today confirmed what I've known for a while and that's that I want to go to CCC! I literally loved EVERYTHING about the orientation. I loved the first year students that came to talk to us. They were SO honest and refreshingly candid. I also loved that the program's focus is on teaching us how to take care of people and NOT to pass the NCLEX. Don't get me wrong - passing the NCLEX is paramount and necessary for me to eventually become a nurse. But, they were very clear in telling us that if you learn the fundamentals of care taking via the program, that will translate into a passing scoring on the NLCEX. No joke - everything one of the first year students that came to talk to us said about why she chose CCC over the other school she was interested in is dead on with why I have been feeling like I want to go there (smaller class size, dazzled by the faculty during the interview, etc). I just get amazing vibes in general from the faculty and the students and on the backside of the orientation, it is crystal clear to me that I ABSOLUTELY NEED to go there!!! 

They even gave us lanyards with flash drives on them containing all our paperwork. It included the schedule, the student handbook, stuff about textbooks, uniforms, the physical exam they want us to get done, as well as immunizations. Love that they're being green and not giving us a thousand pieces of papers! On top of all that, the first year students even wrote us letters and they gave them all to us on the flash drive! There were about 10 of the current first year students that came to talk to us. An alumni came to talk to us too...he went on to complete the BSN at OHSU (which is my eventual goal). This guy is sort of spearheading the new alumni association CCC has instituted and with his help, I can be aligned with an alumni mentor who can help me to network and point me in the right direction in terms of community outreach, volunteering and possible job placement, etc. All in all, I can actually have three mentors...an alumni, a second year student, and a faculty member. I am actually able to choose two of those three...the second year student is matched up for me (via the current student nurses association president).

The more and more I think about it, the more and more it just feels right to me. Unfortunately, I feel like my chances aren't super good in terms of getting in because most everyone I know that got accepted to CCC as well as other schools is going to accept their spot at CCC. However, there were 60 people that were supposed to come to the orientation today...40 accepted and 20 waitlisted. There was a clipboard with all our names on it, so naturally I counted them. Of the 60 people on the list, 11 folks didn't show up or didn't initial. If you don't initial, you're off the list (accepted or waitlisted). Crossing my fingers that those 11 people are really off-off the list and that I either get an email in the next week or that some of those people were waitlisted and I at least move up on that list!

Fingers crossed!

Strawberry Jam

*** June 3rd, 2014

Naturally, I'd planned to make strawberry jam with the strawberries that we picked at Sauvie Island Farms (most of them, anyway...Isla and I ate a ton of them too). Honestly...there was no way we were going to eat the vat of berries we picked before they went bad. So, what better way to use them than to make beautiful little jars of homemade jam? Plus, we are actually in need of strawberry jam...you know, for the many pb-n-js that we make around here. 

So I knew I was going to make the jam, but, I have (or had - I now have the supplies) none of the supplied needed to make it! Thus, a trip to Winco (a local grocery store here in good ole Oregon...and probably where you live, too) was in order. I picked up glass half-pint jars, jar thongs and a magnetic lid holder. I also picked up a couple other things I needed...lemons, fruit pectin and sugar. I knew I needed these things because I consulted the Pioneer Woman, aka, Ree Drummond. If you've never visited her website...GO. Visit, and revel in the amazingness that she exudes. LOVE HER.

Anyway, she's got a couple blog posts (obviously she blogs) about how to make homemade strawberry jam, so I followed her directions meticulously and the end product came out amazing! I am so proud of my first batch of jam...I totally feel like a Ms. Susie Homemaker ;-) Here are Ree's posts, just in case you want the directions and the recipe:

Part I: http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/08/canning-101-and-strawberry-jam-part-1/

Part II: http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/08/strawberry-jam-part-ii/

Now, for your viewing pleasure...my jam!

Simmering my jars

...and the lids, too

Mashing the berries

Getting ready to boil the mix

My beautiful jars of strawberry jam!

Again?

***June 2nd, 2014

So...Isla has pink eye, again. Seriously? None of the kids in her school have come down with it. Where the hell is it coming from? Her pillow case? Maybe I'm not washing it often enough...guess I'll have to make it a point to wash it more often? How often should I wash it? I swear...it's like a hybrid case of it, too. On Sunday afternoon I noticed her eye discharge was becoming more frequent...colored, too. You know, that yellow/greenish tint. As a precaution, I started giving her eye drops that minute. The exact same ones I gave her the last time she had pink eye. I think it helped, because her eye didn't have as much discharge coming out of it throughout the evening (this is still Sunday). But, today she woke up with her eye crusted shut. Yup - crusted shut. Obviously, I knew it was pink eye for sure right then and there. But, taking her in to the doctor today was a necessity because the eye drops we have are going to run out before we can give her enough doses to clear it up. It was relatively quick and easy...her doc agreed that it was pink eye and prescribed her more eye drops (different ones, actually). 1 drop, 4x a day, for one week. Simple, right? Well...these kinds of things aren't always simple with 3 year olds. But, Isla did pretty well the last time we had to give her eye drops. So, I assume she'll do well this time too. Fingers crossed!

Oh, gotta give a quick shout out to my hubbs...he stayed home from work this morning so that I could go to school. Couldn't miss the quiz I had today since I've already missed one. So, THANK YOU BABE!!!

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man ;-)

2 Birthday WIshes for 2 Lovely Ladies

***June 1st, 2014 

There are two special woman in my life that were born today, and, I want to wish them both a happy birthday!

Happy birthday Ms. J!!!! I love you to the ends of the earth and back, and, I am so thankful that you are my little sister and that no matter what happens in this life, you have my back. I am so proud of the things you've accomplished in your life so far and I look forward to seeing you prosper and grow over the next year of your life. Cheers to all the great things I know will happen to you this year - you deserve nothing but the BEST!!! xoxo

Happy birthday Mrs. J!!! I can't believe how lucky I am to have met you in school and to know you in that capacity. But, now, to know you personally as well...and to be able to call you one of my best friends. Getting through A&P with you was a blast, and, I couldn't have done it without you. I actually miss studying with you ALL the time! hehe No rest for the weary though, eh? Cause I know you're going to be studying A LOT more now...CONGRATULATIONS on getting into PCC's Radiography program!!! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!!! What an amazing accomplishment, and a great birthday present :-) Love you to pieces and I can't wait to witness you walk through this new journey over the next near!! xoxo

Splash...of emotion

***May 31st, 2014

Today was a busy day. We started with strawberry picking @ Sauvie Island Farms and after Isla's nap, we decided to take her to the splash pad at Progress Ridge. Here she is having a blast...and being super sassy, hehe

We were having a good time watching Isla play in the water and play with other kids. But, then...all of a sudden, the splash pad became a magnet for pregnant women and/or women with small infants. It was overwhelming. There was literally no where that I could look and NOT see a pregnant women or a women holding an infant. I really tried so hard to focus all my attention on Isla, to be happy, and to somehow be "immune" to my surroundings. But, as people kept filing into the splash pad area, it's as if that black cloud of mine came swooping in and just took all of the air out of my sails. Slowly but surely, the air in my lungs was squeezed out, and I felt like I was sinking...sort of closing in on myself. Alberto could see that I was retreating and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was thinking about my baby, and he immediately knew that I was having a hard time. He put his arm around me and tried as best he could to lift my spirits. But, the damage was done and I was beyond recovering. Something happened...something specific, but, it's now escaped my mind. Or, maybe it wasn't something specific? Maybe I was just DONE. Done with seeing the pregnant bellies and the babies and I just couldn't take it anymore. Whatever it was, I told Alberto "I want to go home" and right away he picked up our things, grabbed Isla, and we walked towards our car. Thank goodness I had her towel...because, I couldn't help it. I just started sobbing...uncontrollably, into the towel. It didn't stop, either. Not until we were about 3/4 of the way home and I knew I was going to have to see Isla when we all got out of the car. 

What's crazy to me is...we'd had a good day. A perfect day. And then, out of nowhere...BAM! My grief hit me and it hit me hard. I'm always grieving the loss of Jeslyn and my heart is always sad and I am always hurting. But, I guess I've been learning in small increments to deal with it on a daily basis. Even so, things like today prove to me that no matter whats going on in my life, how good things are, how busy I am, how good I get at managing my grief...my loss is ever present and it is real. There really is no "getting over" losing Jeslyn, no matter what anyone may think and no matter what anyone may say. My baby girl means the world to me, despite the fact that I never got to hold her, despite the fact that she never walked a day on this earth, despite the fact that I didn't get to do all the things a mother does with her child. Losing her hurts no less than having lost a child that was born into the world and died post birth. So, just like any mother that has lost her child...I get the privilege and the honor to love her and miss her, all the same. I say all this because days like today are both a blessing and a curse: a blessing, because I am blessed with love and the few memories I have of my Jeslyn. Cursed, because I will forever hurt and my heart will forever bleed for my heavenly angel Jeslyn.