Celebrating Jeslyn

One week from today we will celebrate our Jeslyn by planting a memorial garden in her honor. We have invited our friends and those that have supported us throughout this journey to help us create something to remember our sweet baby girl by. We've asked that everyone bring a plant or a pot of flowers that they would like to include in Jeslyn's garden. We plan to read a few meaningful passages/poems and place the brick we had made for Jeslyn (the same brick that was placed in the memorial walkway this year at Noah's Quest) at the base of her cherry blossom tree, to provide water and lemonade to drink, fruit and sweet treat to eat, as well as purple ribbons for everyone to hear to honor our Jeslyn. Although...wlikely plant the cherry blossom tree on Friday, September 12th as this is Jeslyn's due date, not the 13th. It will be something we can do as a family, privately, before we invite our friends and supporters to help us memorialize our girl.

I have been feeling very much at peace with this decision to include our friends and supporters in this way, because we couldn't have gotten through the last alomst 6 months without them. But, I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about how it will all transpire. I know that it will be an emotional morning/afternoon for me, and, I just hope that people will embrace that and allow whatever emotions or feelings that come for me to come without judgement. I worry about it because I am a worry wort. But, I am sure that everyone will be respectful and understanding. 

We don't have anything like this as of yet, but, I would eventually like to have something like the below to sit in he corner of Jeslyn's garden:

//www.catholiccompany.com/

Maybe one day, after everything is planted and it's spring time next year, we can place this in her garden for her first heavenly birthday.

2 Weeks

I cannot believe that two weeks from today is Jeslyn's due date. Two weeks from today, she is supposed to be working on making her way into this world, and, our family is supposed to be overjoyed as a new baby joins our family. Isla is supposed to lay eyes on her baby sister for the first time, and, my heart is supposed to swell to an unimaginable size at the sight of it. I am supposed to watch my husband hold his newest love and I am supposed to fall in love with him all over again. Jeslyn is supposed to be placed in my arms, all beautiful, cuddly, sweet, and tiny...opening up the flood gates of emotions a mother has when she first sees who has been jumping around, hiccuping, and kicking inside her belly all those days and nights. There are supposed to be Facebook announcements, phone calls, texts, emails, and many, many photos of the first moments of Jeslyn's life. Instead - none of this is to happen. None of it. All of my hopes and dreams for my life with my newest baby girl were stolen from me when on March 10th, 2014 it was confirmed that Jeslyn would likely not survive to meet her due date, or die minutes afterwards because her 18th chromosome had one too many copies. Because my baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18.

My heart aches for my baby...it aches for the huge belly I should have, but don't. It aches because of the grief I feel when I think about how I am supposed to lay eyes on my baby girl for the first time two weeks from now, and instead of that...instead of meeting Jeslyn and immediately falling in love with her a million times over, I am going to be a wreck. An absolute wreck. Because my baby is gone, and I will never get the chance to meet her on this earth. To hold her, kiss her, watch her learn to crawl and eventually walk, and grow. I only have the few memories of her that we created together, while she was alive and in my belly for 14 short weeks. It just feels criminal that I've been living all the milestones of this pregnancy without actually being pregnant anymore.

2 weeks...God, my heart aches. It just hurts so bad. 

I Have It

...today, I have hope.

Testing the Waters

I know I've mentioned this before...probably a lot. But, unfortnately, it's the plight of a baby loss mama. Well, most baby loss mamas I should say. It's hard...so hard, when you lose your baby (at ANY point in a pregnancy - no matter how the loss happens) and then have to pick up or resume your life. It's such a struggle...mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Literally, your whole world is turned upside down and you're left to somehow, pick up the pieces and keep going. For me, I had to keep going as best I could because I had to take care of and love my Isla. Although, that was difficult at times as well. Some people might think that having a healthy, living child might make the grief process less consuming or somehow, easier to navigate. But, I am here to say, for me, that has not been the case. From the second I started thinking of/dreaming of life with a new little one, Isla was a part of those hopes and dreams. She played a HUGE part in the decision making process for Alberto and I when we began talking about having a second child. I mean, seriously...if you know Isla, you know how vocal she is. She has been outwardly vocal about wanting a sibling for quite some time now. So, how could we not take her into account? Anyway, having said that, although she may make me smile and give me reasons to laugh, she also makes my heart hurt and she also gives me reason to cry. I've pictured her SO MANY TIMES holding "her baby", trying to help feed her baby, singing to her baby. Not to mention her growing up with her sibling...teaching him/her (I say him/her because when I had these thoughts initially, I didn't know Jeslyn was a girl) to play with blocks, make towers, to say her name. And then, when they're older...she would help teach him or her to ride a bike, to climb on the play structures at the park...all the things siblings do. ALL of that and SO MUCH MORE was taken when we lost Jeslyn. All of those hopes and dreams were snatched away from us and it tore my heart up into little pieces every.single.time. I thought about it. And if it's possible, it hurt even more when we learned that our baby was a girl. I've thought about Isla and Jeslyn being sisters and growing up together...loving on each other, learning from each other, playing with each other...and even now, it STILL tears my heart up into little pieces. 5 and a 1/2 months later, it still fucking hurts. But, that's to be expected. Because, like I've said so many times, to so many people...you don't get over the loss of your child and you don't get over the loss all the hopes and dreams you've dreamt up that include your angel baby. You just don't. Really, you just learn how to live with the pain and the hurt and you learn how to better navigate the hurt and the emotions you have as a result of those shattered hopes and dreams. 

I haven't even mentioned the part about how you (well me) find it excrutiating to see women who are pregnant. Other women, who get to carry their healthy babies in their big round bellies and they get to have their hopes and dreams safely intact. And not only that, but, they get to be naive about what it feels like to have a dead baby. And they get to worry about gaining all the pregnancy weight, having sleepless nights with a newborn, what it's going to feel like birth their baby. All that, and everything else women who are pregnant think about, dream about, and worry about. Everything I don't get to think about or dream about anymore. Then, there are the babies...the babies. I can't even. Seeing moms holding their brand new, deliciously beautiful babies is just too much to bear. I just can't even deal. 

So, knowing the above...knowing how much it hurts to see pregnant women, knowing how much it kills me to see moms interacting with their babies, knowing how much it hurts to see children Isla's age loving on and/or playing with small babies, I've decided that it's time. It's time that I try, slowly, but surely, to integrate myself back into the portion of my life that I've avoided for quite some time now. And that means knowing that it will hurt - because it will. Knowing that I may get emotional and that I may need a "time-out" to cry or to calm myself down. Knowing that it may put me in a funk for the rest of the day. It means knowing ALL of this, and trying anyway. Why? Because I don't want Isla to miss out on things. Play dates, or birthday parties, or trips to local kids places. I've felt so guilty about keeping Isla locked up and away from her friends for as long as I have. So, I've decided I need to try. For her, but, for me too.

Over the last almost 2 months I've tried to do things with Isla I haven't done in a long time, and, I've listed some of them (and quick blurts about how it went) below:


July 9th, 2014 - Zoo trip with friends
-I was very apprehensive and scared about being in such a public place...a place I've visited plenty of times before. So, I knew it would be packed with kids, pregnant mamas, babies, and combos of each of those. But, luckily, Isla and I had a GREAT time! I think it was because I was with my fellow baby loss mama MMT. Being with her eased my fears, and, she said something to me later that reasonated...she said "strength in numbers!". It is so true - I felt supported, I felt validated in my fears...I felt blanketed with understanding. Thank you MMT!

Isla and MMT's cutie pie ready for a fun day!

July 11th, 2014 - Family Storytime and the Splash pad

-I definitely fought myself on going to storytime. I've been to many a storytime, and, this particular storytime is family storytime. That means it's open to families with little as small as newborns all the way up to 6yrs. Just as I thought, it was definitely tough to be there. There were definitely small infants there, and, I just did my best to focus on Isla and be present with her. We sang, we moved, we read books...it was nice. Then, we got to go to a nearby splash pad with friends! That was nice, too. Isla really enjoyed playing with her friend K ;-)

Isla having fun with her friend K in the water!

July 19th, 2014 - E's 1st birthday

-I felt my mood deflate on the way to E's birthday party. I was afraid, because, I thought that since it was a 1yr old's birthday party, there would be many littles there and it would be too overwhelming for me. But, I was wrong! E was pretty much the smallest kiddo there, and for the most part, all the other kids were Isla's age (her friends) or older. We had a great time - thanks for including us JM!

"I mustache you a question!"

July 20th, 2014 - C's 3rd birthday

-Since we'd gone to a party the day before and I did pretty well, I was more confident today than I was the day before. ML and JL always put on a great party, too. So, I knew it would be a good time. Oddly enough though, the second I got there, my mood deflated again. I felt sort of uncomfortable and so for most of the party, I was stand off-ish. One of my very sweet friends was in attendance with her newborn twins and it was just so hard for me. At one point, I cried...I was away from everyone and in ML's house taking a bathroom break. But, ML, being the sweetheart she is, checked on me and while I was talking with her, I got emotional and I just let it out. Thankfully, she understood. Shortly after that, we left the party. Thank you for being so understanding, ML!

My big girl, sitting on a monster truck tire!

August 2nd, 2014 - Lady Bug 1/2 Mile Race

-Isla did great in her race (she got to run with her good friend S), and, I was such a proud mama! She even got to play a little bit on the play ground...and we danced together to a coverband that sang the Temptations "Ain't Too Proud to Beg". We had a pretty good time, and, I was glad that my friend AM mentioned the race to us a few months ago. 

Isla and her running buddy!

August 9th, 2014 - OMSI

-We've been going to OMSI for about a year and a half now. Isla has loved it ever since the first say we went. I used to take her ALL the time. But, just as I've avoided places like Jenni & Tommy's and library storytimes, I've also avoided OMSI. So, it was a big deal for me to go there with my family on this day. We took Isla in the afternoon/evening in hopes of avoiding a crowd, and, that was a great idea because there weren't overwhelming amounts of people in any one space. Overall, we had a good time exploring the exhibits and playing in the science playground. However, visiting the prenatal display was a bit too much (it was at Isla's request). So, I hightailed it out of there quickly.

The water feature is the business for Ms. Isla!

August 15th, 2014 - Jenni & Tommy's

-It's been about 6 months since I've been to Jenni and Tommy's. It's another place I've avoided like the plague for a while because it's a place dedicated to children playing. As a result, there's always tons of babies and pregnant mamas. Isla had been asking me to go for a while though, so, I decided to bite the bullet and go. Luckily, isn't wasn't crowded and there was only one little on hand. It was easy enough to avoid that family. So, Isla and I actually had a good time! She was OBSESSED with the Lightening McQueen car...need to find it ASAP :-)

She even has Lightening McQueen undies she loves him so much!

August 16th, 2014 - Big Truck Day

-Daddy was supposed to come with us, but, he got called in to work. So, Isla and I went solo. It was CROWDED, and, it was pretty darn hot. But, Isla and I walked around and looked at all the cool big trucks (fire trucks, police cars, dump trucks, a swat vehicle, and even huge cranes!) and she even got into a helicopter! We got to see some friends ST and her little H...it was good to see them for even just a little while. As expected, there were lots of families and babies and pregnant women. But, I tried to focus on spending time with Isla and making memories with her...and I think I was able to do that. 

My little pilot <3

August 23rd, 2014 - The Children's Museum

-We thought it might be a madhouse inside the museum because the parking lot was CRAZY. I immediatelt felt some anxiety at the thought of it being jam packed inside the museum. But, I guess all the people in the parking lot were headed to the Zoo (it was a gorgeous, very warm day). Once we got in, it was perfect. Not too many kids/babies/pregnant women, a locker to put our stuff in...it was absolutely perfect. We had a blast playing with Isla, and she had a blast too. The new outdoor adventure is AWESOME and Isla LOVED the creek and the fun stick maze. We'll definitely be going back!

Enjoying the water @ the creek!

August 27th, 2014 - Play Boutique with friends

-It's been almost a year since I've taken Isla to Play Boutique. I certainly had reservations going there because it's a place for kids to play. But, I knew that I was going with two women who are incredibly supportive of me and have been there for me in ways other people have not. So, I felt supported and like I could count on them if I needed them. Things went great though, and, Isla had a good time playing with her friends. I had a great time catchig up with my friends. I couldn't have asked for more. Thank you CH and LB for joining Isla and I - we love you ladies and your kiddos!

Love these kiddos!

Looking back on all the things we've done over the last 2 months, I feel pretty damn proud of myself. I have a tendency to get down on myself and wonder when I am going to be okay being in public without worrying about who is going to be there...how many pregnant women there will be there, who is going to bring their infant, etc. Part of that is because I miss seeing the people in my life who I've grown accustomed to seeing on a regular basis. Another part of that is because I want to make sure Isla's life is as normal a possible. And some of it is because I get impatient with myself and wonder why this grief journey is so damn difficult. But, unfortunately, there's no timeline, no blue print, no manual for this. You just have to do the work and let it unfold. I've done that, I've been doing that, and, I will continue to do that. And while I am doing it, I will try and be patient with myself. So, do me a favor...if you know me and you know what I've been through, you try and be patient with me too. 

August 19th - Day of Hope

It's been just over a month since I last posted here on my blog. I know, I know...I said that I was going to have the whole summer to blog my little heart out. And, here I am...not posting a new blog post in about 40 days. I'm sorry I haven't held up my end of the deal, and, let me just say...I am very grateful to those of you who come and check in with me on a fairly often basis. I really do appreciate that you care enough to take the time out of your day to read what's going on with me. But, truth be told, there are reasons why I haven't come to blog in a while. And right now, most of those reasons I am not ready to share. But, I will in due time. I promise. For now, there's something that I felt compelled to write about, and, that is why I am here. 

Today is August 19th - Day of Hope. It is a world wide prayer flag project and ceremony that took place this evening at 7:30p local time (PST here in Or). It was hosted by an amazing women by the name of Carly Marie. She has an incredible website that has great information on healing, different memorial beach photographers (they write angel babies names in the sand and take gorgeous photos of it for grieving parents), information on grief protects that you can be apart of, as well as these beautiful self-care affirmations. Carly brought together 7 women who are all apart of the grief community (for one reason or another) and they all read different pieces related to breaking the silence surrounding the death of babies and children. The project itself started on July 1st and concludes August 19th. The point of the project is to craft a prayer flag that is inscribed with a prayer, a mantra, a beautiful saying, messages, names, scriptures...or whatever is relevant or important to the individual making the flag and then join the community in hanging the flag in a significant place on August 19th. The ceremony began with lighting a candle in honor of the baby or babies in your life that have gone from this earth, Carly then spoke about the event and what it means, each of the seven women read their beautiful pieces, and then Carly closed with her story about her Christian. I could go into detail about what the women who participated in the ceremony read, but, I thought I'd post the ceremony here for you to view for yourself.

Of the readings during the ceremony, there were two that struck my heart personally, and, I wanted to post the words to those here:

Quote from Gerald Lawson Sittser, A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss

"Gifts of grace come to all of us. But we must be ready to see and willing to receive these gifts. It will require a kind of sacrifice, the sacrifice of believing that, however painful our losses, life can still be good — good in a different way then before, but nevertheless good. I will never recover from my loss and I will never got over missing the ones I lost. But I still cherish life. . . . I will always want the ones I lost back again. I long for them with all my soul. But I still celebrate the life I have found because they are gone. I have lost, but I have also gained. I lost the world I loved, but I gained a deeper awareness of grace. That grace has enabled me to clarify my purpose in life and rediscover the wonder of the present moment."

Here's  prayer flag I made for my friend MMT:

I actually added a 9 x 12 green backing to this (same green as the letters and cross) and wrote words like "courage", "love", "family", etc on it for her <3

Here's Jeslyn's candle, lit tonight in her honor:

Mommy and Daddy love you bear <3

Heartbreaking...

Image: http://www.typophile.com/node/116362

Oh Brasil...my heart breaks for you. And for my husband because he is just devastated. Absolutely, positively devastated. The World Cup meant so much more than just soccer to the people of Brasil. Generations of Brazilians had been looking forward to it for quite some time, since it has been 64 years since the last World Cup was held in Brasil. To lose...and to lose, like that? 7-1 to a German team that looked overly prepared to play a Brazilian team that was sort of standing on only one leg (due to the absence of their star player, Neymar and their captain Silva). It was a brutal match to watch, and, I wish that I could erase it from my mind...and from the minds of the million of Brazilian that witnessed the utter humiliation of their countrymen. 

At this point, we can only hope that Argentina loses to the Netherlands and that the Dutch and Germany play for the Cup. Because, it would add salt to already gaping, painful wounds if Argentina were to advance.\

If you aren't quite into soccer (typically I am not, but, World Cup is different) and you don't know what this loss means to the people of Brasil, take a look at the below photo...it says it all.

Image: http://www.people.com/article/brazil-world-cup-fans-crying

Sad Saturday

Remember how I said in the last post that yesterday, 7/4, would have been a milestone day in my pregnancy with Jeslyn? The 30 week mark. And remember how I said my grief was bubbling below the surface ALL DAY and I felt like I needed to hold it in and be strong because we had company and I didn't want to ruin everyone else's holiday? Well...I shouldn't have done that. Because, it always comes out...always. My black cloud finds a way, and, today it rained on me something fierce. I was supposed to go to a Mom's Night In at a friends house this evening. She and some of my other friends put together n awesome set-up with tents, sleeping bags, food, drinks...the whole nine. And I'd been looking forward to going because it's been a long time since I've spent some good, quality time with these ladies. Oh, AND, we'd planned on going to the beach today. To Cannon Beach. It's sort of a tradition...we go to the beach the weekend after the 4th. But, NONE of this happened...none of it. Because all I could think about was missing my girl...grieving for my girl. I spent most of the day in bed, crying on and off...trying to tend to Isla when I can. But, mostly just drowning myself in my grief. And, that's OK. Obviously, I needed to. 

So, yes...today was a sad Saturday </3

4th of July {2014}

I could totally wax poetic about our nation's Independence Day...about what it means to be an American, about the sacrifices that were made by men and women to lay the foundation of this great nation. Because, well, that's what the 4th of July is all about. But...I'm not going to do that. Mainly because I'm sure (since you're probably an American, too) you know all this and you don't come to read my blog for lessons on history. Am I right? So, instead of doing that, I'll just tell you about our day...

Since I'm usually the first one up (between Alberto and I), I normally place our flag in it's flag holder on the morning of the 4th. It makes me happy to do it...gives me a nice patriotic buzz to start the day ;-) So I did that and then got the day started with my girl. She ate her breakfast and then we got her dressed for the day. Here she is...all red, white, and blued!

After that, Isla and I decided to head outside and do a little decorating. My had bought a few things at the dollar store to spruce up our house...you know, since we were having people over. I lined our grass with flags, hung up 4 red/white/bue bows, and hung a "United We Stand" banner. Isla loved watching the flags blow in the wind. We even played what she calls "on your mark, get ready, set, go!"...aka, racing each other up and down the sidewalk. 

Obviously I blacked out our house number...can never be too careful, right?

Before I knew it, it was time...time to watch Brasil play in the World Cup against Colombia in the quarterfinals. Alberto had been looking forward to this game ALL week! For the first half hour, I was sort of watching and doing Isla duty. Basically, trying to play with her while I also tried to pay attention to the match. Luckily, I'm a women so I am pretty good at multitasking (lol - yes, that is a subtle dig at my husband...love you babe). And wouldn't you know it...Brasil scored their first goal about 7 and a half minutes into the match (kinda funny, cause David Luiz got credit for the goal, but, it was really an own goal off the leg of one of the Colombian players)! So awesome :-) At about 1:30p I took Isla upstairs for her nap...yay! Now I could dedicate my full attention to the match. It was an intense match, but, a well played one as well. In the end, Brasil won 2 goals to 1. I was so excited for Brasil...but also for Alberto, because it meant that he wasn't going to be heartbroken and pissed off for the rest of the day. I wouldn't have complained if he was though...I completely understand. Come football season...when the Cowboys lose, and they will lose - he knows not to push my buttons and generally, not to do anything that I could interpret as screwing with me. 

Our block party was slatted to start at 5p, but, I'd told J and her husband S, W, and our neighbors M and T from down the street (they set up shop at our house since their house in sort of at the end of the block and no one really hangs out up there) to show up anytime after 4p. Since the match was over at 3:30p, it was pretty much time to get prepped and ready to go for company. We moved our patio furniture out into the front yard...along with the new umbrella I just bought. We brought out our kitchen table, all our captains chair. Plus Al's grill. It was a nice set-up. W was the first guest to arrive and she brought her famous buffalo chicken dip, her other famous spinach artichoke dip, plus some cute flag themed mini cupcakes! After W, M and T and T's parent showed up with lots of goodies too. They brought a cooler filled with beverages, delicious Traeger smoked chicken, pasta salad, asparagus, and a nice corn and black bean salsa! M also brought plates and utensils...since I spazzed when I came to that. Last to show up were J and S. They brought lots of fun drink mixers (freshly squeezed peach juice and grapefruit juice) and a lovely peach pie. We had ALL of that stuff, plus our brotwurst, hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, mac n cheese, AND baked beans. We were SET. 


The weather was gorgeous...perfect, really. Not too hot, no rain - just perfect. It was really nice to get to mingle and chat with some of my closest gal pals. We drank, ate, laughed...all while the kids played and we listened to music played by my ipad. Isla basically ditched us most of the day though. Our one of our neighbors had family over and along with their two girls, there were a few other kiddos for Isla to play with. They had bubbles out, a big box fort...and some of the other neighborhood kids brought out their powerwheels and bikes, etc. It felt so weird to be able to let Isla play and do her own thing, not having to be right next to her and worry about where she is and what she is doing every second. She's officially a big kid now, and, I gotta say...it felt good and made me smile to see her being the big girl she is.

My big girl...enjoying her Otter Pop.

Once it started to get dark...probably between 9:30-10:00p, the fireworks came out. By this time, T's brother and his family came and they brought fireworks! Thanks goodness, because we didn't buy any...even though we'd planned on letting Isla stay up for her first firework experience this year. Isla LOVED IT. I mean, she couldn't get enough of it! She got to do her very first sparkler and she got a box of those little noise makers. The ones you throw at the ground and they pop? She thought they were soooooooo cool! We sat and watched fireworks for about an hour, and, Isla just soaked it all in. I shouldn't have been surprised that she loved the fireworks so much...she's got a lot of my Dad's spirit in her, and, the 4th of July and the fireworks that come with it were my Dad's favorite <3

Her face when she saw the first firework go off!

Smiling in amazement <3

Sparkler!

Al and me

We called it a night at about 10:45p...as soon as the fireworks were all lit. Isla was still kickin'. But, I could tell she was ready to get some sleep. So, Alberto and I got her changed into her new big girl jammies (2 peice cotton ones...different than the fleece sleep and play jammies she's been wearing), tucked her in, and kissed her goodnight. 

Today was a good day...good times were had by all. Lots of eating, drinking, playing, laughing, singing, PLUS an awesome firework display. By all accounts, it was the quintessential 4th of July. However, all day...I couldn't help but feel half whole. Muted. The entire day it was festering, lingering...my grief was bubbling below the surface and I couldn't let it out. I didn't want to ruin everyone else's holiday - especially not since we'd invited people over. But...my goodness. What a HUGE oversight of mine. Sometimes, the milestones don't hit me until the day of. Like...I don't realize it's coming until it's already there. And that's what happened with this. Today, on this 4th of July...I am supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant with Jeslyn. Today I was supposed to have a big, fat, round belly and be just 10 short weeks away from meeting my newest love. My precious, beautiful, deliciously adorable baby girl. Instead, I am 16 weeks post losing her and still trying to find a way to get through the throws of daily life...as well as get through days like today - holidays; the 4th of July. A day I'll never get to spend with her...one of many, many days. 

July 4th, 2014...yet another reminder of how no matter how many days come between the day I lost Jeslyn and the current day, my grief is there. Ever present, ever painful. 

Mama loves you and misses you, Jeslyn <3

My Soccer Star

I should probably start off by saying I don't even like soccer. Seriously. I never have. It's one of the few games I don't understand, and, my whole life I've steered clear of it. Until I reconnected with my husband, I guess. The year we got back together was 2010, so, it was a world cup year. He's a Brazilian, so, soccer is kind of ingrained in his DNA. Although we didn't watch every match, we definitely watched a few of the Brasil matches. It was so cute to see him root for his native country...all excited and super into it. I rooted for them too - just trying to show a little support for my man. But, the truth is...I could have cared less! Football is my game. 

Anyway, here we are - 4 years later and it's that time again. The World Cup is all anyone can talk about! And I'll admit it...I like it more this time around than I did last time. I've watched all of Brasil's matches and I've even watched some of the other matches (too bad the USMNT got knocked out today) too. In the past I've thought that soccer was mostly anticlimactic. But, I've felt differently about it while watching this years World Cup. Most all of the matches I've seen are exciting, and, some of them have even come down to penalty kicks! In fact, Brasil's first game in the knockout round came down to penalty kicks! We were away at Noah's Quest during the match, so Alberto recorded it. However, he only recorded it with 30 minutes of extra time. Because the match went into extratime and there were penalty kicks, the recording wasn't long enough to catch all the action! Thank goodness for YouTube. We were able to get video of the penalty kicks, and, Brasil won it 3-2! 

Why am I talking about all this? Well, a month or so ago one of the moms in my TV asked if we'd be interested in a soccer mini camp for our kiddos. Her BIL is a soccer coach, and, if there was enough interest, he would put on a mini camp for our kids. There was tons of interest (almost 20 kids total!), so, the camp was scheduled for 7-1/7-3 and 7-8/7-10. Couldn't have been better timing since the World Cup is in full swing! It's been so fun watching some of the matches with Isla and getting her excited for her first soccer experience. Even better, her aunt C and uncle J sent her a Neymar Jr jersey!!! She was in love with it the second she tried it on ;-) It's like all the stars aligned for my Isla! I couldn't be more excited to see her try her hand (or feet, hehe) at soccer for the first time.

Today was the first day of the mini camp and Isla was all decked out in her jersey and ready to play some soccer! She took to it right away, too. Almost immediately she ran off, got a ball, and started kicking it around (aka dribbling). She was so enthusiastic! Seeing the smile on her face was just infectious. My heart was beaming and I was just so proud of my little soccer star. She listened to the coach pretty well, and, didn't have any meltdowns or real "toddler moments" the entire time. They worked on dribbling, kicking to a target, and scoring. It was just the cutest thing I've ever seen! I felt like such a proud mama when the coach came up to talk to Isla and said that she was a natural. It is in her blood, after all. It was such a great experience, and since Alberto couldn't be there, I took tons of photos and lots of video, too. I can't wait to show him!

After the camp was over, we decided to go and play at the playground with Isla's friends for a little while. It sounded like a great idea at first. But, then...well, I started getting anxious, dejected, and sad. During soccer I was focused on Isla and it was very fast paced. Plus I was taking pictures and video like a mad women, so, I didn't have time to look at anyone else or really see anything else. But, now there were babies everywhere. The babies were at soccer camp, too. But, they were well away from me and like I said, I was focused on Isla. I was just having such a hard time mingling and staying present. I even invented a reason to get away and try to give myself a break: I told my mom to watch after Isla while I went to put my purse in the car. I tried to milk that as much as I could. Once I was back, one of my friends came up to give me a hug and chat. When she started talking, I could hear the words that were coming out of her mouth...but, I couldn't focus myself enough to answer the questions she'd asked me. I just felt flustered and I think I was starting to reach my max. It was a blessing in disguise that people started to file out and/or head to other plans and we were sort of the only ones left at the end. 

All in all, it was a great morning and I was incredibly happy and proud to be Ms. Isla's mama. But, there's always that cloud...hanging around, waiting to make an appearance. I guess I'm glad I've made some strides in my grief process and I am able to sort of check out when I need to in order to protect myself. 

On another note...here are some highlights from today's soccer mini camp!

All decked out in her Neymar jersey...BRASIL!!!!

Chillin' on her ball

Learning to put her foot on the ball

Chasing after her ball...she's got a great stride!

Dreams

I had quite the dream last night. It was unsettling, upsetting, and just awful.

The night before I was texting back and forth with my friend MMT (might sound familiar...I've mentioned her before). She is so kind and understanding...amazing, really. I won't go into details about why she is a fellow baby loss mama, but, I will say that she is expecting her first rainbow baby and I am so happy for her. She let me know as soon as we began talking almost 3 months ago that she was expecting (so considerate of her). I was so grateful to her for not judging me about needing to hold off on meeting her because it was (and still is) difficult for me to be around pregnant women. But, I mean...who was I kidding? Of course she would understand - OF COURSE. She has been through this grief, continues to go through it, and is bravely working through it while also working on creating another tiny human. One of the things she wanted to talk to me about was attending a different Brief Encounters support group...different from the one I've been attending. It's usually a bigger group and is open to all types of infant and pregnancy loss - not specifically termination due to medical reasons. I'm not going to lie...I've thought about going before. But, I never looked into when the meeting was because I thought that I was supposed to go to the meeting specifically for my type of loss. MMT explained that that is not the case - I can attend both meetings if I so choose. However, she was very clear to say that although I may meet more women this way, and, I may be able to bond with some of them and create some relationships with mamas who know what I am going through (that obviously being a very positive thing, I think)...there may also be women there who don't understand why I (Alberto and I, really) made the choice I did and could potentially not be outwardly supportive about it. She also mentioned that the women may not outwardly share about their stories specifically and that the group dynamic and makeup can change from meeting to meeting. When she mentioned that, I said that it wouldn't be a problem because I totally can see why people may not understand why we chose to terminate Jeslyn's pregnancy, and, hell...sometimes, I don't understand why I made the decision and went through with it. Sometimes, I question and judge myself...and to this day, the decision we made doesn't sit right with me. But, I try so hard to continue to tell myself that the decision Alberto and I made was made out of LOVE...for Jeslyn and for Isla. It was not made lightly, and, there were many words spoken and tears shed in relation to it. We, in my humble opinion, made the "ultimate parental sacrifice"...we chose to end our daughter's life and shield her from any suffering she may have been enduring then and any she may have had to endure in the future. We chose to put the burden of the choice and the aftermath of that choice on us. We live with the burden so that Jeslyn didn't have to have the burden of hurting or suffering. Some people may call it selfish - I call it SELFLESS. Why? Because I didn't think of myself and the suffering, the pain, the anguish, the hurt, and the grief I would have to endure in making the ultimate parental sacrifice that I made. I only took into account my girls. 

After talking with MMT about the above and more, I went to bed. Apparently, my brain needed to play out the conversation I had with MMT in my dream, because, my dream was basically a recurring scene of someone who I know (who just announced her third pregnancy) denouncing me and calling me a "babykiller" because I chose to terminate Jeslyn's pregnancy. No matter where I was, she showed up with her son and proceeded to harass me and tell me how terrible my choice was and how she could never do that to her baby. She even went so far as to give her son some sort of pamphlet to give me...you know, pro-life propaganda. I was just so hurt, upset, sad, and distraught in my dream. It was like my heart was being ripped out of my chest over and over again. I couldn't get away from her, either! No matter what I did, she showed up and found a new way to tell me how incredibly selfish I am and how wrong I was for doing what I did. When I woke up...I was broken. Absolutely broken, and, I felt gutted. Upset. It was awful, how I felt, and, I don't ever want to feel that again. I have no idea if the person who was in my dream would ever think this...or if she'd have the audacity to come to me with her thoughts. But, for her sake and for mine - I hope my dream was just that...a dream.

Seriously though - mind, STOP. DO NOT, I repeated DO NOT allow me to have such a dream EVER, EVER again.

Sincerely,

Sensitive, grieving mother of two <3

PS - all those things people say about dreams? You know, "follow your dreams", "dreams do come true", "dreams reveal purpose"...FUCK THOSE THINGS. In this case, anyway. 

Noah's Quest 2014

I found out about Noah's Quest at Brief Encounters (something I talk about a lot!), and as soon as I found out about it I knew it was something I wanted me and my family to participate in. Noah's Quest is a charity event that raises money for Brief Encounters (the non-profit organization that puts on the event) as well as other causes that are similar and/or helpful for those who have lost a child. It consists of a dove release, a 1k walk/run for kids, a 5k walk/run for kids and adults, and a 10k run for adults. There's also face painting, a kids zone (a play ground as well as a bounce house) and an informational booth with info on different resources for pregnancy/baby loss. This year was the 9th annual event, and the event itself is inspired by Carol and Cary, parents of Noah, who was born still on September 28th, 2005. When they created the event, they used it as an outlet for their grief and as a way to keep the memory of their son live. It's become much more than that though - it's a place for parents, friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins, and anyone who has been touched by the loss of a child to honor and remember their loved one(s) life as well as share their grief and their story with other families experiencing something similar.

I'd been watching the weather in Sandy (where the event was held) all week, because today is the day I will run my first ever 10k. I've never run a race in rain, so, that was kind of worrisome to me. But, no matter...I was going to run the race, no matter what. Today's event started at 8:45a with a dove release which was very peaceful and sort of set the tone for the event. Following the dove release was the 1k walk/run for the kids. It was so cute to see the kids run their race. They were so excited and some of them were even competitive! Some of the littler kiddos rain with their parents and that was cute to see too. 

After the kids finished their race, we begun staging for the 10k race. For some reason...I wasn't nervous. I was very calm and ready. Maybe because I felt Jeslyn with me <3 Before I knew it, the race started and we were off. After the straight away came the first AND second hills. I was not happy, hehe Hills are my arch nemesis and I usually walk them. But, today I was running a race, and I had it in my head that I wanted to run the whole 6.2 miles. So, I ran those hills...or trotted up them, I should say. I wasn't running at the pace I wanted to going up those hills, but, I at least put one foot in front of the other and pushed onward. I thought several times about why I was running...to keep myself from quitting. I reminded myself over and over that I was running for Jeslyn. Running to remember her and to honor her. After I made it up the hills, the course was pretty flat for a while...until it was time to head into the forest. So, up another hill I went until I descended into the forest. It was beautiful - and muddy! But, it was fun to get to run through the trees and have a little cover from the light mist that was falling on me. I enjoyed running while I was in the forest, it felt serene. It felt like I had been transported to another place and I was alone and one with the world. Just me and my thought about my girl...until I ran up on yet another hill. I managed to trot up it and then down the other side, and, I thought I was home free with the hills at that point. But, nope! There was yet another pretty steep hill on the ascension out of the forest. The runner ahead of me stopped running and walked up the hill...I should've followed suit (to conserve a little energy). Instead, stubborn me decided I needed to trot up it. So, I did. But I was TIRED afterwards, that's for sure. I was happy to make it out of that forest and it turned out that that would be the last hill on the course. THANK GOODNESS! It was pretty smooth sailing after that point and since the course was a 5k that you run twice, I knew I would be coming up on the start line at some point and I would get to see Alberto and Isla and all the other wonderful families cheering us all on. I was so excited because seeing their faces would motivate me to keep going. Sure enough, I came up on Alberto and Isla at the straight away to the start line and they cheered me on and gave me the boost I needed to start the second leg of the race. I knew that as soon as I finished the straight away though, that I would have to run those two hills again. Dang it! ha As much as I wanted to run the whole race...when I got about a quarter of the way up the first hill, I had to walk. Disappointing, but, I needed the break...not just because I was tired, but, I could feel blisters starting to form on my feet. When I got to the top of that hill (maybe they weren't hills...just inclines? hehe) and turned the corner, I started running again. But, I ran up on the second hill/incline and again began walking. This is where the turning point came for me. From this point on, running was painful for me and it became a fight against my feet for the duration of the race. I walked/ran the rest of the race, grunting and wincing from the pain most of the way. At some point before I descended into the forest again, I stopped to tie my shoes tighter, hoping that would help with the rubbing. No such luck. On I went though, pushing through the pain as best I could. Pulling on thoughts of finishing for my girl for motivation. Although that helped to keep me going, I couldn't wait to get out of that forest! I knew I didn't have to fight anymore hills once I was out of it, and that I only had about 1.5-2 miles to go. On this last portion of my run, I passed lots of families/groups walking the 5k and they were so nice to cheer me on and give me more motivation to finish. With each step though, I felt the burning sensation from the blisters, and I couldn't get to the finish line fast enough! Finally, I was on the home stretch and Alberto and Isla were in my sights. I tried to pick up the pace and finish strong. I did, somewhat, heh. But, it didn't really matter, because...I WAS DONE! 1:03.33. Not the fastest, but, I completed the race and that was an accomplishment on it's own. I DID IT!!! For my baby. For my husband, for my Isla...and for myself. As soon as I could, I took my shoes off and there they were. Blood/pus blisters. OUCH! I didn't bring flip flops (wtf was I thinking?), so, I walked around barefoot the rest of the time. 

While we waited for all the walkers/runners to finish, I lit a candle for Jeslyn in the tent with the memorial candles. It always feels good to light a candle and watch the flame burn in remembrance of my girl <3 We also took pictures and I ran around and played with Isla (she all of a sudden wanted to be a runner like mama - so incredibly cute!) too. After everyone was done with the race, Pat Schwiebert talked about what this event means and she read off some really awesome magnets. My favorite? "Warning: grief zone ahead". She is so inspirational, and I enjoyed listening to her words. While she was speaking, it began to rain rather hard...and, I couldn't help but think it was all of our babies crying on us. Letting us know that they felt loved, honored, and remembered. With the rain, Pat and Carol decided it was time to unveil the memorial walkway. Carol and some of the kids in attendance picked up the rocks and the blanket that was covering the walkway and then they walked across it, revealing the walkway for everyone to see. It was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. I laid eyes on Jeslyn's brick immediately. My heart swelled with pride and joy and I was happy. So happy and so proud to have a brick there for my baby among all the other amazing angel babies' bricks. We took a few pictures as a family and a few pictures with Jeslyn's brick. We also talked to a few mamas (so lovely to see you MMT!) and tried to find bricks for mamas who couldn't make it out. After about a half an hour, Isla began to get restless, so, we decided it was time to make our way home. 

It was such a lovely event, and, I am so grateful to have been apart of it. I feel like I am part of a bigger cause...and that is to bring awareness far and wide about baby loss, and, to honor the life of my baby and the lives of all the other sweet angel babies in the process.


Here are a few photos from today :-)

Pat Schwiebert of Brief Encounters speaking before the dove release

My loves before the race

Ready to run for Jeslyn <3

My ugly runner face...my feet were killing me!

Almost finished!

With my Isla after I finished.

Jeslyn's brick <3

Showing big sister her little sister's brick.

Me with my girl and Jeslyn's brick <3

Family <3

A little blurry, but this is part of the course in the forest.

Jeslyn's memorial candle (bottom center)