2 Weeks

I cannot believe that two weeks from today is Jeslyn's due date. Two weeks from today, she is supposed to be working on making her way into this world, and, our family is supposed to be overjoyed as a new baby joins our family. Isla is supposed to lay eyes on her baby sister for the first time, and, my heart is supposed to swell to an unimaginable size at the sight of it. I am supposed to watch my husband hold his newest love and I am supposed to fall in love with him all over again. Jeslyn is supposed to be placed in my arms, all beautiful, cuddly, sweet, and tiny...opening up the flood gates of emotions a mother has when she first sees who has been jumping around, hiccuping, and kicking inside her belly all those days and nights. There are supposed to be Facebook announcements, phone calls, texts, emails, and many, many photos of the first moments of Jeslyn's life. Instead - none of this is to happen. None of it. All of my hopes and dreams for my life with my newest baby girl were stolen from me when on March 10th, 2014 it was confirmed that Jeslyn would likely not survive to meet her due date, or die minutes afterwards because her 18th chromosome had one too many copies. Because my baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18.

My heart aches for my baby...it aches for the huge belly I should have, but don't. It aches because of the grief I feel when I think about how I am supposed to lay eyes on my baby girl for the first time two weeks from now, and instead of that...instead of meeting Jeslyn and immediately falling in love with her a million times over, I am going to be a wreck. An absolute wreck. Because my baby is gone, and I will never get the chance to meet her on this earth. To hold her, kiss her, watch her learn to crawl and eventually walk, and grow. I only have the few memories of her that we created together, while she was alive and in my belly for 14 short weeks. It just feels criminal that I've been living all the milestones of this pregnancy without actually being pregnant anymore.

2 weeks...God, my heart aches. It just hurts so bad.