Going to Work

I was not looking forward to going in to work today. I may, or may not have mentioned this already…but, I work on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays a Gymboree Play & Music. I teach play and learn classes (levels 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and family gym), I teach a sports II class, I assist in an art III class, and I also work at the front desk between classes. Usually, I love my job at Gymboree. It’s so much fun to watch all my little clients learn while playing in a safe, structured, “yes” environment. It’s also great to get to know the parents as well. Some of them you even form more personal relationships with (D and his son C are a perfect example of that - hi D!). Some days are hard, but, all in all, it’s a joyous job that allows to me interact with all different types of children and grownups. I have learned so much about myself as a parent in the process, and, that has been one of the many blessings bestowed upon me while working with my Gymboree family. 

But, today…only 2 days post our last ultrasound and the CVS, I was not ready to face the world as a Gymboree employee. I was not ready to put a smile on my face and pretend like the life of my child is not in limbo. I was not ready to see the amazing things you see at Gymboree. You know…pregnant moms walking in with their beautiful pregnant bellies on full display. Moms of both toddlers and little ones, loving on their children, bonding with them while they play and learn. I just wasn’t ready for any of it. Despite all that, I did head in to work after dropping Isla off at school. 

I am usually the first there. But, today, L (co-owner and my boss) and teacher J (a co-worker of mine) beat me there. I walked in, sluggishly, sat my things down in the back, and proceeded to the front desk area to sign in. L greeted me, asked me how things went on Wednesday, and…I just LOST it. I was a sobbing, bawling mess while explaining to her what we saw over ultrasound, what it meant, what our genetic counselor said, and how long we’d have to wait for the results. L handed me tissue after tissue and eventually, took me in her arms as I continued to fall apart. Clients were begging to show up for our 8:50a art III class, so, L and I moved into the studio to continue talking. She asked me at that point how I felt about continuing on today. I told her I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. She absolutely understood and sent me home. I told her I would think about how I felt about coming in to work at Gymboree for the foreseeable future by the end of the weekend. So, home I went…to wallow, to cry, to sob, to bawl. To somehow get through the day, when, I have no idea if my baby is okay or not. To live, when I have no way of knowing whether or not the life that Alberto and I made will grow to full term, be delivered, and become a tangible part of the D household. Whether we’ll have our baby here for my birthday, or Halloween, or…the holidays. 

How in the hell am I supposed to wait until not next Wednesday, THE FOLLOWING Wednesday to know one way or another. God help me.