I know I've mentioned this before...probably a lot. But, unfortnately, it's the plight of a baby loss mama. Well, most baby loss mamas I should say. It's hard...so hard, when you lose your baby (at ANY point in a pregnancy - no matter how the loss happens) and then have to pick up or resume your life. It's such a struggle...mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Literally, your whole world is turned upside down and you're left to somehow, pick up the pieces and keep going. For me, I had to keep going as best I could because I had to take care of and love my Isla. Although, that was difficult at times as well. Some people might think that having a healthy, living child might make the grief process less consuming or somehow, easier to navigate. But, I am here to say, for me, that has not been the case. From the second I started thinking of/dreaming of life with a new little one, Isla was a part of those hopes and dreams. She played a HUGE part in the decision making process for Alberto and I when we began talking about having a second child. I mean, seriously...if you know Isla, you know how vocal she is. She has been outwardly vocal about wanting a sibling for quite some time now. So, how could we not take her into account? Anyway, having said that, although she may make me smile and give me reasons to laugh, she also makes my heart hurt and she also gives me reason to cry. I've pictured her SO MANY TIMES holding "her baby", trying to help feed her baby, singing to her baby. Not to mention her growing up with her sibling...teaching him/her (I say him/her because when I had these thoughts initially, I didn't know Jeslyn was a girl) to play with blocks, make towers, to say her name. And then, when they're older...she would help teach him or her to ride a bike, to climb on the play structures at the park...all the things siblings do. ALL of that and SO MUCH MORE was taken when we lost Jeslyn. All of those hopes and dreams were snatched away from us and it tore my heart up into little pieces every.single.time. I thought about it. And if it's possible, it hurt even more when we learned that our baby was a girl. I've thought about Isla and Jeslyn being sisters and growing up together...loving on each other, learning from each other, playing with each other...and even now, it STILL tears my heart up into little pieces. 5 and a 1/2 months later, it still fucking hurts. But, that's to be expected. Because, like I've said so many times, to so many people...you don't get over the loss of your child and you don't get over the loss all the hopes and dreams you've dreamt up that include your angel baby. You just don't. Really, you just learn how to live with the pain and the hurt and you learn how to better navigate the hurt and the emotions you have as a result of those shattered hopes and dreams.
I haven't even mentioned the part about how you (well me) find it excrutiating to see women who are pregnant. Other women, who get to carry their healthy babies in their big round bellies and they get to have their hopes and dreams safely intact. And not only that, but, they get to be naive about what it feels like to have a dead baby. And they get to worry about gaining all the pregnancy weight, having sleepless nights with a newborn, what it's going to feel like birth their baby. All that, and everything else women who are pregnant think about, dream about, and worry about. Everything I don't get to think about or dream about anymore. Then, there are the babies...the babies. I can't even. Seeing moms holding their brand new, deliciously beautiful babies is just too much to bear. I just can't even deal.
So, knowing the above...knowing how much it hurts to see pregnant women, knowing how much it kills me to see moms interacting with their babies, knowing how much it hurts to see children Isla's age loving on and/or playing with small babies, I've decided that it's time. It's time that I try, slowly, but surely, to integrate myself back into the portion of my life that I've avoided for quite some time now. And that means knowing that it will hurt - because it will. Knowing that I may get emotional and that I may need a "time-out" to cry or to calm myself down. Knowing that it may put me in a funk for the rest of the day. It means knowing ALL of this, and trying anyway. Why? Because I don't want Isla to miss out on things. Play dates, or birthday parties, or trips to local kids places. I've felt so guilty about keeping Isla locked up and away from her friends for as long as I have. So, I've decided I need to try. For her, but, for me too.
Over the last almost 2 months I've tried to do things with Isla I haven't done in a long time, and, I've listed some of them (and quick blurts about how it went) below:
July 9th, 2014 - Zoo trip with friends
-I was very apprehensive and scared about being in such a public place...a place I've visited plenty of times before. So, I knew it would be packed with kids, pregnant mamas, babies, and combos of each of those. But, luckily, Isla and I had a GREAT time! I think it was because I was with my fellow baby loss mama MMT. Being with her eased my fears, and, she said something to me later that reasonated...she said "strength in numbers!". It is so true - I felt supported, I felt validated in my fears...I felt blanketed with understanding. Thank you MMT!
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| Isla and MMT's cutie pie ready for a fun day!
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July 11th, 2014 - Family Storytime and the Splash pad
-I definitely fought myself on going to storytime. I've been to many a storytime, and, this particular storytime is family storytime. That means it's open to families with little as small as newborns all the way up to 6yrs. Just as I thought, it was definitely tough to be there. There were definitely small infants there, and, I just did my best to focus on Isla and be present with her. We sang, we moved, we read books...it was nice. Then, we got to go to a nearby splash pad with friends! That was nice, too. Isla really enjoyed playing with her friend K ;-)
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| Isla having fun with her friend K in the water! |
July 19th, 2014 - E's 1st birthday
-I felt my mood deflate on the way to E's birthday party. I was afraid, because, I thought that since it was a 1yr old's birthday party, there would be many littles there and it would be too overwhelming for me. But, I was wrong! E was pretty much the smallest kiddo there, and for the most part, all the other kids were Isla's age (her friends) or older. We had a great time - thanks for including us JM!
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| "I mustache you a question!" |
July 20th, 2014 - C's 3rd birthday
-Since we'd gone to a party the day before and I did pretty well, I was more confident today than I was the day before. ML and JL always put on a great party, too. So, I knew it would be a good time. Oddly enough though, the second I got there, my mood deflated again. I felt sort of uncomfortable and so for most of the party, I was stand off-ish. One of my very sweet friends was in attendance with her newborn twins and it was just so hard for me. At one point, I cried...I was away from everyone and in ML's house taking a bathroom break. But, ML, being the sweetheart she is, checked on me and while I was talking with her, I got emotional and I just let it out. Thankfully, she understood. Shortly after that, we left the party. Thank you for being so understanding, ML!
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| My big girl, sitting on a monster truck tire! |
August 2nd, 2014 - Lady Bug 1/2 Mile Race
-Isla did great in her race (she got to run with her good friend S), and, I was such a proud mama! She even got to play a little bit on the play ground...and we danced together to a coverband that sang the Temptations "Ain't Too Proud to Beg". We had a pretty good time, and, I was glad that my friend AM mentioned the race to us a few months ago.
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| Isla and her running buddy! |
August 9th, 2014 - OMSI
-We've been going to OMSI for about a year and a half now. Isla has loved it ever since the first say we went. I used to take her ALL the time. But, just as I've avoided places like Jenni & Tommy's and library storytimes, I've also avoided OMSI. So, it was a big deal for me to go there with my family on this day. We took Isla in the afternoon/evening in hopes of avoiding a crowd, and, that was a great idea because there weren't overwhelming amounts of people in any one space. Overall, we had a good time exploring the exhibits and playing in the science playground. However, visiting the prenatal display was a bit too much (it was at Isla's request). So, I hightailed it out of there quickly.
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| The water feature is the business for Ms. Isla! |
August 15th, 2014 - Jenni & Tommy's
-It's been about 6 months since I've been to Jenni and Tommy's. It's another place I've avoided like the plague for a while because it's a place dedicated to children playing. As a result, there's always tons of babies and pregnant mamas. Isla had been asking me to go for a while though, so, I decided to bite the bullet and go. Luckily, isn't wasn't crowded and there was only one little on hand. It was easy enough to avoid that family. So, Isla and I actually had a good time! She was OBSESSED with the Lightening McQueen car...need to find it ASAP :-)
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| She even has Lightening McQueen undies she loves him so much! |
August 16th, 2014 - Big Truck Day
-Daddy was supposed to come with us, but, he got called in to work. So, Isla and I went solo. It was CROWDED, and, it was pretty darn hot. But, Isla and I walked around and looked at all the cool big trucks (fire trucks, police cars, dump trucks, a swat vehicle, and even huge cranes!) and she even got into a helicopter! We got to see some friends ST and her little H...it was good to see them for even just a little while. As expected, there were lots of families and babies and pregnant women. But, I tried to focus on spending time with Isla and making memories with her...and I think I was able to do that.
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| My little pilot <3 |
August 23rd, 2014 - The Children's Museum
-We thought it might be a madhouse inside the museum because the parking lot was CRAZY. I immediatelt felt some anxiety at the thought of it being jam packed inside the museum. But, I guess all the people in the parking lot were headed to the Zoo (it was a gorgeous, very warm day). Once we got in, it was perfect. Not too many kids/babies/pregnant women, a locker to put our stuff in...it was absolutely perfect. We had a blast playing with Isla, and she had a blast too. The new outdoor adventure is AWESOME and Isla LOVED the creek and the fun stick maze. We'll definitely be going back!
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| Enjoying the water @ the creek! |
August 27th, 2014 - Play Boutique with friends
-It's been almost a year since I've taken Isla to Play Boutique. I certainly had reservations going there because it's a place for kids to play. But, I knew that I was going with two women who are incredibly supportive of me and have been there for me in ways other people have not. So, I felt supported and like I could count on them if I needed them. Things went great though, and, Isla had a good time playing with her friends. I had a great time catchig up with my friends. I couldn't have asked for more. Thank you CH and LB for joining Isla and I - we love you ladies and your kiddos!
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| Love these kiddos! |
Looking back on all the things we've done over the last 2 months, I feel pretty damn proud of myself. I have a tendency to get down on myself and wonder when I am going to be okay being in public without worrying about who is going to be there...how many pregnant women there will be there, who is going to bring their infant, etc. Part of that is because I miss seeing the people in my life who I've grown accustomed to seeing on a regular basis. Another part of that is because I want to make sure Isla's life is as normal a possible. And some of it is because I get impatient with myself and wonder why this grief journey is so damn difficult. But, unfortunately, there's no timeline, no blue print, no manual for this. You just have to do the work and let it unfold. I've done that, I've been doing that, and, I will continue to do that. And while I am doing it, I will try and be patient with myself. So, do me a favor...if you know me and you know what I've been through, you try and be patient with me too.
