Heartbreaking...

Image: http://www.typophile.com/node/116362

Oh Brasil...my heart breaks for you. And for my husband because he is just devastated. Absolutely, positively devastated. The World Cup meant so much more than just soccer to the people of Brasil. Generations of Brazilians had been looking forward to it for quite some time, since it has been 64 years since the last World Cup was held in Brasil. To lose...and to lose, like that? 7-1 to a German team that looked overly prepared to play a Brazilian team that was sort of standing on only one leg (due to the absence of their star player, Neymar and their captain Silva). It was a brutal match to watch, and, I wish that I could erase it from my mind...and from the minds of the million of Brazilian that witnessed the utter humiliation of their countrymen. 

At this point, we can only hope that Argentina loses to the Netherlands and that the Dutch and Germany play for the Cup. Because, it would add salt to already gaping, painful wounds if Argentina were to advance.\

If you aren't quite into soccer (typically I am not, but, World Cup is different) and you don't know what this loss means to the people of Brasil, take a look at the below photo...it says it all.

Image: http://www.people.com/article/brazil-world-cup-fans-crying

Sad Saturday

Remember how I said in the last post that yesterday, 7/4, would have been a milestone day in my pregnancy with Jeslyn? The 30 week mark. And remember how I said my grief was bubbling below the surface ALL DAY and I felt like I needed to hold it in and be strong because we had company and I didn't want to ruin everyone else's holiday? Well...I shouldn't have done that. Because, it always comes out...always. My black cloud finds a way, and, today it rained on me something fierce. I was supposed to go to a Mom's Night In at a friends house this evening. She and some of my other friends put together n awesome set-up with tents, sleeping bags, food, drinks...the whole nine. And I'd been looking forward to going because it's been a long time since I've spent some good, quality time with these ladies. Oh, AND, we'd planned on going to the beach today. To Cannon Beach. It's sort of a tradition...we go to the beach the weekend after the 4th. But, NONE of this happened...none of it. Because all I could think about was missing my girl...grieving for my girl. I spent most of the day in bed, crying on and off...trying to tend to Isla when I can. But, mostly just drowning myself in my grief. And, that's OK. Obviously, I needed to. 

So, yes...today was a sad Saturday </3

4th of July {2014}

I could totally wax poetic about our nation's Independence Day...about what it means to be an American, about the sacrifices that were made by men and women to lay the foundation of this great nation. Because, well, that's what the 4th of July is all about. But...I'm not going to do that. Mainly because I'm sure (since you're probably an American, too) you know all this and you don't come to read my blog for lessons on history. Am I right? So, instead of doing that, I'll just tell you about our day...

Since I'm usually the first one up (between Alberto and I), I normally place our flag in it's flag holder on the morning of the 4th. It makes me happy to do it...gives me a nice patriotic buzz to start the day ;-) So I did that and then got the day started with my girl. She ate her breakfast and then we got her dressed for the day. Here she is...all red, white, and blued!

After that, Isla and I decided to head outside and do a little decorating. My had bought a few things at the dollar store to spruce up our house...you know, since we were having people over. I lined our grass with flags, hung up 4 red/white/bue bows, and hung a "United We Stand" banner. Isla loved watching the flags blow in the wind. We even played what she calls "on your mark, get ready, set, go!"...aka, racing each other up and down the sidewalk. 

Obviously I blacked out our house number...can never be too careful, right?

Before I knew it, it was time...time to watch Brasil play in the World Cup against Colombia in the quarterfinals. Alberto had been looking forward to this game ALL week! For the first half hour, I was sort of watching and doing Isla duty. Basically, trying to play with her while I also tried to pay attention to the match. Luckily, I'm a women so I am pretty good at multitasking (lol - yes, that is a subtle dig at my husband...love you babe). And wouldn't you know it...Brasil scored their first goal about 7 and a half minutes into the match (kinda funny, cause David Luiz got credit for the goal, but, it was really an own goal off the leg of one of the Colombian players)! So awesome :-) At about 1:30p I took Isla upstairs for her nap...yay! Now I could dedicate my full attention to the match. It was an intense match, but, a well played one as well. In the end, Brasil won 2 goals to 1. I was so excited for Brasil...but also for Alberto, because it meant that he wasn't going to be heartbroken and pissed off for the rest of the day. I wouldn't have complained if he was though...I completely understand. Come football season...when the Cowboys lose, and they will lose - he knows not to push my buttons and generally, not to do anything that I could interpret as screwing with me. 

Our block party was slatted to start at 5p, but, I'd told J and her husband S, W, and our neighbors M and T from down the street (they set up shop at our house since their house in sort of at the end of the block and no one really hangs out up there) to show up anytime after 4p. Since the match was over at 3:30p, it was pretty much time to get prepped and ready to go for company. We moved our patio furniture out into the front yard...along with the new umbrella I just bought. We brought out our kitchen table, all our captains chair. Plus Al's grill. It was a nice set-up. W was the first guest to arrive and she brought her famous buffalo chicken dip, her other famous spinach artichoke dip, plus some cute flag themed mini cupcakes! After W, M and T and T's parent showed up with lots of goodies too. They brought a cooler filled with beverages, delicious Traeger smoked chicken, pasta salad, asparagus, and a nice corn and black bean salsa! M also brought plates and utensils...since I spazzed when I came to that. Last to show up were J and S. They brought lots of fun drink mixers (freshly squeezed peach juice and grapefruit juice) and a lovely peach pie. We had ALL of that stuff, plus our brotwurst, hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad, mac n cheese, AND baked beans. We were SET. 


The weather was gorgeous...perfect, really. Not too hot, no rain - just perfect. It was really nice to get to mingle and chat with some of my closest gal pals. We drank, ate, laughed...all while the kids played and we listened to music played by my ipad. Isla basically ditched us most of the day though. Our one of our neighbors had family over and along with their two girls, there were a few other kiddos for Isla to play with. They had bubbles out, a big box fort...and some of the other neighborhood kids brought out their powerwheels and bikes, etc. It felt so weird to be able to let Isla play and do her own thing, not having to be right next to her and worry about where she is and what she is doing every second. She's officially a big kid now, and, I gotta say...it felt good and made me smile to see her being the big girl she is.

My big girl...enjoying her Otter Pop.

Once it started to get dark...probably between 9:30-10:00p, the fireworks came out. By this time, T's brother and his family came and they brought fireworks! Thanks goodness, because we didn't buy any...even though we'd planned on letting Isla stay up for her first firework experience this year. Isla LOVED IT. I mean, she couldn't get enough of it! She got to do her very first sparkler and she got a box of those little noise makers. The ones you throw at the ground and they pop? She thought they were soooooooo cool! We sat and watched fireworks for about an hour, and, Isla just soaked it all in. I shouldn't have been surprised that she loved the fireworks so much...she's got a lot of my Dad's spirit in her, and, the 4th of July and the fireworks that come with it were my Dad's favorite <3

Her face when she saw the first firework go off!

Smiling in amazement <3

Sparkler!

Al and me

We called it a night at about 10:45p...as soon as the fireworks were all lit. Isla was still kickin'. But, I could tell she was ready to get some sleep. So, Alberto and I got her changed into her new big girl jammies (2 peice cotton ones...different than the fleece sleep and play jammies she's been wearing), tucked her in, and kissed her goodnight. 

Today was a good day...good times were had by all. Lots of eating, drinking, playing, laughing, singing, PLUS an awesome firework display. By all accounts, it was the quintessential 4th of July. However, all day...I couldn't help but feel half whole. Muted. The entire day it was festering, lingering...my grief was bubbling below the surface and I couldn't let it out. I didn't want to ruin everyone else's holiday - especially not since we'd invited people over. But...my goodness. What a HUGE oversight of mine. Sometimes, the milestones don't hit me until the day of. Like...I don't realize it's coming until it's already there. And that's what happened with this. Today, on this 4th of July...I am supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant with Jeslyn. Today I was supposed to have a big, fat, round belly and be just 10 short weeks away from meeting my newest love. My precious, beautiful, deliciously adorable baby girl. Instead, I am 16 weeks post losing her and still trying to find a way to get through the throws of daily life...as well as get through days like today - holidays; the 4th of July. A day I'll never get to spend with her...one of many, many days. 

July 4th, 2014...yet another reminder of how no matter how many days come between the day I lost Jeslyn and the current day, my grief is there. Ever present, ever painful. 

Mama loves you and misses you, Jeslyn <3

My Soccer Star

I should probably start off by saying I don't even like soccer. Seriously. I never have. It's one of the few games I don't understand, and, my whole life I've steered clear of it. Until I reconnected with my husband, I guess. The year we got back together was 2010, so, it was a world cup year. He's a Brazilian, so, soccer is kind of ingrained in his DNA. Although we didn't watch every match, we definitely watched a few of the Brasil matches. It was so cute to see him root for his native country...all excited and super into it. I rooted for them too - just trying to show a little support for my man. But, the truth is...I could have cared less! Football is my game. 

Anyway, here we are - 4 years later and it's that time again. The World Cup is all anyone can talk about! And I'll admit it...I like it more this time around than I did last time. I've watched all of Brasil's matches and I've even watched some of the other matches (too bad the USMNT got knocked out today) too. In the past I've thought that soccer was mostly anticlimactic. But, I've felt differently about it while watching this years World Cup. Most all of the matches I've seen are exciting, and, some of them have even come down to penalty kicks! In fact, Brasil's first game in the knockout round came down to penalty kicks! We were away at Noah's Quest during the match, so Alberto recorded it. However, he only recorded it with 30 minutes of extra time. Because the match went into extratime and there were penalty kicks, the recording wasn't long enough to catch all the action! Thank goodness for YouTube. We were able to get video of the penalty kicks, and, Brasil won it 3-2! 

Why am I talking about all this? Well, a month or so ago one of the moms in my TV asked if we'd be interested in a soccer mini camp for our kiddos. Her BIL is a soccer coach, and, if there was enough interest, he would put on a mini camp for our kids. There was tons of interest (almost 20 kids total!), so, the camp was scheduled for 7-1/7-3 and 7-8/7-10. Couldn't have been better timing since the World Cup is in full swing! It's been so fun watching some of the matches with Isla and getting her excited for her first soccer experience. Even better, her aunt C and uncle J sent her a Neymar Jr jersey!!! She was in love with it the second she tried it on ;-) It's like all the stars aligned for my Isla! I couldn't be more excited to see her try her hand (or feet, hehe) at soccer for the first time.

Today was the first day of the mini camp and Isla was all decked out in her jersey and ready to play some soccer! She took to it right away, too. Almost immediately she ran off, got a ball, and started kicking it around (aka dribbling). She was so enthusiastic! Seeing the smile on her face was just infectious. My heart was beaming and I was just so proud of my little soccer star. She listened to the coach pretty well, and, didn't have any meltdowns or real "toddler moments" the entire time. They worked on dribbling, kicking to a target, and scoring. It was just the cutest thing I've ever seen! I felt like such a proud mama when the coach came up to talk to Isla and said that she was a natural. It is in her blood, after all. It was such a great experience, and since Alberto couldn't be there, I took tons of photos and lots of video, too. I can't wait to show him!

After the camp was over, we decided to go and play at the playground with Isla's friends for a little while. It sounded like a great idea at first. But, then...well, I started getting anxious, dejected, and sad. During soccer I was focused on Isla and it was very fast paced. Plus I was taking pictures and video like a mad women, so, I didn't have time to look at anyone else or really see anything else. But, now there were babies everywhere. The babies were at soccer camp, too. But, they were well away from me and like I said, I was focused on Isla. I was just having such a hard time mingling and staying present. I even invented a reason to get away and try to give myself a break: I told my mom to watch after Isla while I went to put my purse in the car. I tried to milk that as much as I could. Once I was back, one of my friends came up to give me a hug and chat. When she started talking, I could hear the words that were coming out of her mouth...but, I couldn't focus myself enough to answer the questions she'd asked me. I just felt flustered and I think I was starting to reach my max. It was a blessing in disguise that people started to file out and/or head to other plans and we were sort of the only ones left at the end. 

All in all, it was a great morning and I was incredibly happy and proud to be Ms. Isla's mama. But, there's always that cloud...hanging around, waiting to make an appearance. I guess I'm glad I've made some strides in my grief process and I am able to sort of check out when I need to in order to protect myself. 

On another note...here are some highlights from today's soccer mini camp!

All decked out in her Neymar jersey...BRASIL!!!!

Chillin' on her ball

Learning to put her foot on the ball

Chasing after her ball...she's got a great stride!